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=Spiritual Healing, One With Another=
netskyIam

I know you have illness,
 1
 
 
so let's light these candles,
 2
 
 
ten, forty, sixty floral scented.
 3
 
 
 
 
And as we meditate
 4
 
 
to heal and get answer,
 5
 
 
let us remember,
 6
 
 
paraffin vapors
 7
 
 
cause cancer.
 8

20 Oct 08

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I know you have cancer,
so let's light our candles;
ten, forty, sixty,
floral scented meditations

now as we breathe
to heal, for an answer,
let us remember
paraffin vapours
cause cancer.
 — unknown

Thanks above for the great ideas!  I am pasting right below, the original from which you worked your retouches. I think that what you did for me there is about the best way to "crit" a poem:  show the poet YOUR take of what it should be.   But for now I =think= I shall go back the original, dashed-off message board version, just adding a comma or so.  It's to be a funny poem.  OH AND JUST IN CASE:   I am not a 'miscandelist', either.  But all that crap we breathe....well,
be healthy, peeps... and always ventilate well like they do near Uranus.  I sure do!
 — netskyIam

archival, what I had up for the first two hours, before reverting to the message board original, plus one comma after "remember":

----

I know you have cancer,
so let's light our candles,
ten, forty, sixty,
floral scented.

And as we meditate
to heal, for an answer,
let us remember
paraffin vapours
cause cancer.

:  )
 — netskyIam

PS: just removed a comma from before "floral".  It is funnier.
Commas just about kill me, much agony in decisions, decisions;
Being the Decider about commas is worse duty than being President of the United Snakes.
 — netskyIam

Yes to removing the comma and no to 'get answer'
sorry but it clangs in my ear.

seek rejoin?

I don't think the poem is funny, but it does have a larger irony to it.
 — unknown

Thank you so much, just above. @@@running changes: I have only, just for now at least, double-spaced all the lines to slow down and make the absurdity more ponderous looking.

To you unk above, thank you indeed!  It will be a great clarification and ease to myself if you were to copy and paste the pome, removing the 'orrible Line Numbers.  And then space it and re-word it as if it were your own thing to improve, which it is.  I learn so much more, clearly by SEEING what others would make of the....this thing (i understand that not all people think humour is humour; it's such a delicate condtion.

The "get answer" may not be ideal to your ear, but here's why I chose it: the usual, expected word might be "to heal and get well"; but this pome is a thing of  mantric-like wishy-fishy stuff: seeking answer seems to jar it just the right way, toward the acerbic finish (that's my thought at this time.  It is not meant to be graceful, really, but rather clumsy and inept, like most fumbling people are inept in trying to console the illness within and without, and often then rambling off and saying something they must regret forever.  But it is true:  candles burning in a home are not at all healthy--study vapourizng hydrocarbons and scents and musks of any sort: they cannot do a body good, and none of us lives on and on by noses alone.  

Re-form the poem as you see fit for me? I would really enjoy it if every poet put off by =any= aspect of this poem "rewrites" it as he or she sees fit.  You show, I look and think.  But most of all I thank you for your gift of time.  There is so little time, really, for any of us.
 — netskyIam

Reid. There is no way i could hold a candle to... err-umm...
what i meant to say is
it's your poem to work on, but while i'm here.


I know you have an illness
so let us light our candles
ten, forty, sixty floral scented

now as we breathe
to heal, and seek rejoin
in meditation.
We should remember  
paraffin vapours
cause cancer.
 — unknown

Thank you, right above.  It is only a humour poem.  YOUR re-write shows me much of how you think.  Even better, It has improved L1 greatly.  In time I may make more changes, but that L1 going from "have cancer" to "have illness" sharpens the wicked (pun) humour finish of the last line.  Very nice of you to help and actually get this thing looking better.  In time it will be altered again, most likely.  THANK YOU, very much!
 — netskyIam

hahaha!  Can't win!  Life causes cancer.  
 — Isabelle5

: )
(thanks for your silver laughter, Izzy dearest!

Taffy, your daughter by rape.
 — netskyIam

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