poetry critical

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an autumn poem
unknown

the weather this September
 1
brings a beauty I remember,
 2
with its leaves of rust and ember
 3
making chatter in the breeze.
 4
 
 
the sun is bold, but quiet
 5
tracing orange along my palette,
 6
skies of marmalade and violet
 7
seem to kite across my brow.
 8
 
 
And while bumblebees are nesting,
 9
golden ragweed settles, resting
 10
on the crest of itchy winds
 11
that carry feather, seed and kin.
 12
 
 
the wild geese fly
 13
and I watch my children cry
 14
as they watch their Charlie strive
 15
to join the crowded skein
 16
 
 
my darlings, young and hearty
 17
run through fields of
 18
shaken barley-- wave goodbye
 19
to birds like Charlie
 20
and the last of summer's green.
 21

25 Oct 08

Rated 8.4 (8.3) by 12 users.
Active (12): 1, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 3, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Well, this touches me in so many ways. It  gives me a lump in my throat. Very beautiful, lyrical words that reflect a generosity of spirit. I love it.
The use of rhyme is particularly effective and heightens the lyricism of this.

A few small suggestions.
line 8 "it is" rather than "it's "
capitalize Charlie throughout. (I'm not sure who Charlie is. A dog? A child? I would like more of a clue)
line 29 "lonesome" is a just a little too cute for me and unnecessary. Less is more here I think.

These are small things. A little more clarity about Charlie would definitely make the last two stanzas more powerful. But this is a beautiful poem and I'm a bit in awe of it.

smugzy
 — unknown

Like a breath of fresh air, this poem clears my windpipes-----Beautiful!
 — unknown

thanks S, you made me smile to think that someone still likes the simpler things in life, and poetry.  i appreciated your suggestions.  thank you!
=-)

unknown, thank you too.
 — jenakajoffer

"It is the nature of the artist to mind excessively what is said about him. Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others." - Virginia Woolf

this pome works on the light verse level of Natures beauty and abundance -- the other level of your son's ability to see in ways the pome says is a visual clue to his ability to work through our limitations in seeing and see through his eyes too, like you do so well in this pome
 — AlchemiA

I love the way this rolls off the tongue when read aloud, and I agree with smugzy on the effectiveness of the rhyme scheme--this is wonderful writing jen.
 — PaulS

The lyricism in this is really well done.
 — aurelius

This is (wow) such a beautiful poem for the Fall.
 — dax

Woah this is Jen's poems. Nice to sees!
 — dax

Luscious writing.  My faves are 26-31.  Thankfully, pigeons don't fly south, lest I'd be one heartbroken Shitdawg this winter.  I'll still be out there providin' 4 'em in the very frigid months 2 come.  xoxo, Jen.  
 — starr

The lyricism, imagery, wispy tone, and alliteration in this are beautiful. Rarely have I read images sewn together so smoothly.  
 — Kiite

autumn is from september 21 ( or 22, depending on the year ) until december 21. it is still autumn, this being november 24, no matter how wintry the whether. i just noticed all the embers!
good shit  
 — chuckle_s

How wintry the WHETHER?  Someone needs to learn how to spell correctly.  
 — unknown

Quite lovely.  A question - ember or umber in line 5>  Umber is a color, ember implies fire so either could work but did you really mean ember?  Do leaves leave embers?  Sorry to pick at it but I'd like to know.  Umber would be lovely there.  
 — Isabelle5

thanx dinglenuts
i pretty much never make spelling mistakes
its an inside joke

hey baby
lets talk about the weather













whether or not i **** you tonight
 — chuckle_s

so adorable, beautiful.. the rhythm is wicked. this poem gave me goosebumps to read, your word choice is A+ !!!!!!
 — mosaic

Very beautiful, and deserving of the Top-Rated Spot. Well done.
 — unknown

One wonders at first what Charlie is or has to do with this piece. But then I see Charlie as yellow peril... the down colour of young ducks and geese which are vulnerable to predators and ever changing weather conditions. Hence charlie for me here = yellow peril = fear or low self esteem.

Then one wonders how you permit Charlie's usage into this piece. But the change of Narration from first to second/third person L13-19 tells me I am not dealing with a novice poet here and I tip my hat to your talent vis L 20-21.

Now before I continue I must also say this piece is more about reflections of youth from the N than about external seasonal, fauna or flora changes, and you've a stunning piece which requires more than just the ease it read with to understand its fathom ... which is brilliant IMO.


Nits: all of those pronouns (THE) make it look tardy. And if you're worried about meter (which is erratic anyway here but works well) simply pluralise the following nouns as that will compensate.
Most academic poets may claim the plural suffix doesn't add a syllable... but they are linguistically mistaken as sonics make the rule ... not them!

V/S 2 needs much consideration as its flow and rhyme degrade the read.
You need also to reconsider many of your line breaks throughout the piece as line ends are more appropriate than signified pauses in most cases presented here.

Also, the final S/V need to be more crisp

my darling's youth
26
and gnarly,
27
run through fields of
28
broken barley/rye--spoken
bye to/like birds like/to Charlie
30
and what lasts of summer green.
31

Tis a fine piece you need hone.

All the best
BJ
 — Blackjack

Sorry about me morning dyslexia btw ... a bucket of coffee should fix it (I hope)
 — Blackjack

Beautiful as usual - you just get better with time...
 — lzug

wow. thanks everyone who read and commented on this.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I like, "on the crest of itchy winds"... "crest" especially fresh.
 — lewisstreet

very lyrical.
nice write.
: )
 — fractalcore

This poem is wonderful.  I was really moved by the last two stanzas, the last one in particular.  Could Charlie be an injured bird that a family helped recover who is now rejoining the wild?  I found it really moving to think of Charlie this way, leaving his temporary family behind but struggling to re-join the other birds as well.  I found the use of "like" in line 30 particularly moving.  I have one suggestion that I think would make this poem even more powerful: what if you removed the second stanza and replaced it with what is currently the fourth? I tried reading it like this the second time, and I think that introducing the reader to Charlie earlier on and then return to him two stanza's later could work very well.  Just a suggestion. Wonderful Poem! I'm printing this out and saving it.  
 — Kwongdzu

I quite enjoyed reading this, however the question immediately sprung to mind.

Is this really, poetry, sadly I came to the conclusion that it was not poetry.
Little or nothings scans, nothing is in step, it seems to be just a mish-mash of line endings.
Take line five as an example, “ember” is it be inferred that the leaves were smouldering. Did you perhaps mean amber?
Line nine seems a bit of a burden “oranges” would orange not have sufficed just as well.
Charlie I presume is a domestic goose or gander, wistfully watching a gaggle of wild geese, turn into a departing skein. Though me thinks it was a bit early if the barley was still standing.

Mor.
 — unknown

Very vivid. Flows wonderfully. I love it.
 — neimade

Strange how certain lines engender different reactions in others.

Children running through a field of barley in September, an unlikely occurrence I must admit, except perhaps in the Highlands of Scotland were late frosts may have delayed seeding or a poor summer delayed growth and ripening.
Barley being the earliest of all grain crops to be harvested, in fact, winter barley is normally harvested late July, and such farmers are normally preparing their ground for reseeding in September. Most crops winter or summer it is hoped are in silos by the end of August
The timing of the barley harvest is usually quite critical moisture content of the grain being the deciding factor. In Canada, it is common to harvest barley for silage when the protein content is at its highest usually about three weeks before maturity.
A lot of new fugal diseases have recently appeared in barley namely stripe and rust, the fungal pores of which could be considered dangerous to young children if inhaled in any quantity, therefore it’s advised not to let children roam through such fields unless their safety can be verified; lung and bone disease are not unknown.
Some fields of barley infected with fungal disease are sometimes left standing in order that they may be burned, there being no harvestable value in them.

As I say, strange how the readers mind goes in different directions not envisaged by the poet

Mor.
 — unknown

I was just thinking, it must be a strange part of the world you live in.
Those lovely bumblebees who are such a delight to hold and would never dream of stinging you.
Do they really nest in September, a great number of flowers have not stopped pollinating until early October.

Mor.
 — unknown

thanks lewisstreet..neimade  =-)

hi fract,
nice to see you; i hope you are doing well.
thanks for reading.

kwong, i'm so happy to read your comments; the bird, you got it perfectly, thank you.  I like your suggestion of moving stanzas, and i can see why you say that, however, it's not going to work out; i need the feather, seed and kin to precede the wild geese, then the children, then my darlings...and so on.  great ideas though, and thanks so much!
 — jenakajoffer

Hello Mor,
thank you for the entertaining comments, i am happy to see that you enjoyed this before you realized it wasn't poetry, lol.

I would be happy to put you up someday at my home and show you all the wonderous things in my world; you would be amazing and enlightened.  I may not have farmhouse butter, but I do have the best bacon.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

that should have said
"you would be "amazed",
hahaha, lmao.

jen  =-)
 — unknown

Well, I might not know much about poetry, but I do know a thing or two about bacon. After the war we used to keep up to a thousand  head of large white/ landrace cross pigs.
Every year we killed a pig for the farm house, and guess who got all the dirty jobs.
We had a very large cast iron bath kept especially for the purpose of scalding and scraping it in, weighing in at twenty score it was no mean task for a boy of ten.
However, all was accomplished with few moans and groans.
In due course it was salted with saltpetre and when cured was duly hung in the kitchen.
Unfortunately one of the by-products of the operation was bowl upon bowl of brawn, black puddings, and miles of sausages.
Whilst the rest of Britain was on meat rationing, it did not seem right to complain some how.

Mor.
 — unknown

This is my kind of writing, I like this.  I strive in my writing to be this good.  I'm no good with the critical words of wisdom so I'll just say thank you.
 — rockstudies

amber?
 — rockstudies

Pretty much perfect to me    =)
 — themolly

i don't particularly think the rhyme works the way it's laid out.

it can work without a scheme and it can work with a scheme, but you can't mix it up in the middle of the poem. i find that the first stanza rhymes so perfectly in scheme, meter and rhythm that i try to read the rest of the poem in the same meter.

and the rest of the poem doesn't work in that meter.

however, your images are beautiful and your words are chosen perfectly, so i can't knock too hard.

i just like to see it either metered or not.

my personal opinion. 7.
 — mould_jesus

Mor, I love pork but I will not eat blood pudding or black pudding or headcheese.

thanks so much, rockstudies.  no, not amber.

hi th'molly, =-)

i dig you mouldy-j.  thanks for reading.
 — jenakajoffer

Hi,
I knew something was bothering me.
This may seem to be a bit of a daft question, especially after me saying I did not think it qualified as poetry.
Can you tell me the reason that is if there is a reason, for the mixed application of capital letters, it just looks rather odd to my eye?

Mor.
 — unknown

Mor, it seems as though she only capitalised the proper nouns - I, Charlie, September??
 — unknown

helloo Mor,
yes, daft question indeed--
i would think the use of punctuation hardly matters if the words don't qualify as poetry.  ;)
however, to humour you,
i took smugzy's suggestion to cap the names; this was originally all in lowercase.

i do think "Charlie" should be cap'd.  but i lowered the "S" in september.
thanks for revisiting.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

thanks unknown,
that's what i wanted to say.

whattya think of September/september?
i don't know.
 — jenakajoffer

Jen, I thought it looked better with the cap S, making September, and by extension, Autumn, more important seeming??
 — unknown

yeah, i like it better too
or maybe i am just used to seeing that way.
whatever you do, don't make me cap the 'a' in autumn.
thanks again,
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Hi,
Sorry to take up some much of your time on what you obviously appear to consider are trivialities.
However just because you are not used to reading properly formatted English does not mean that you readers are so afflicted.
In fact, the adverse could be considered the norm.. A few silly kids on PC do not make the corn grow.
However, I personally have never been one for obeying rules, which I consider are wrong or have been badly drafted by whomever.
Never the less I do believe that there is a general rule, which states all punctuation and capitals, or no punctuation or capitals, but never the two combined.

Of course, Autumn and autumn are two entirely separate conditions
Autumn in nature is the being of the leaves falling, hence fall.

Autumn in Wordsworth’s impeccable poetry is.
“Life's autumn past, I stand on winter's verge. .”

Or as Fuller aptly puts it.
Dr. Preston was now entering into the autumn of the duke's favour.

Just a thought, just trying to be helpful, though it’s true to say nobody ever seem to help me. O woe is me or I.

Mor.
 — unknown

Hi, don't worry
this space goes on and on and on...
but no! i don't think the punctuation issues are trivial.
in fact, i agree in that it's either no punc, or all punc.  so i suppose i have gone against my own beliefs here.  i am not opposed to changing it all the lowercase, as it was originally THAT WAY.
thank you for the help, i enjoyed the references.

so, i'm going to change it all to lowercase, and you tell me if it looks BETTER.
i think that is a better option than going all caps.
 — jenakajoffer

Well, I have just posted some un-capitalised poetry (for lack of a better word) on Freewrights Peer Review and was frankly quite surprised at the reaction; I would suggest you try it in both versions adorned and unadorned, just to see what happens.
Who knows, somewhere along the line you might even receive a half-serious review.

Mor.
 — unknown

b-e-a-utiful. this poem is just marvelous. excellent choice of words.
tu es interessant.
 — ashleydohert

Hi back again.

I knew there was something bothering me about this poem.

It’s the first stanza; it did not quite make sense to me.

the weather this september  
brings a beauty  
i remember,
with its leaves of rust  
and ember  
making chatter in the breeze-

This September’s weather
brings beauty’s I remember.
With leaves of rust and ember,
makes chatter in the breeze.

Do you see what I mean.?

I don’t think changing to small capitals has made a great deal of difference, just looks slightly more childish that’s all. After all, it is a children’s poem.
However, despite it faults, I still like it.

Mor.
  
 — unknown

Hi Mor,
thank you.
so it's really line6 then, that's causing your spot of bother.
or so it seems.
as if line 6 should not be a continued thought of L5, but rather something else that reminds of beauty.  'and the chatter in the breeze' or some such thing.  that could work, whether you were suggesting i alter than line or not.

the lowercase does make it more 'children', but no, i don't really think a cap here and there makes a difference.  except for the small "i", which i don't like.

thanks for returning with mor thoughts.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

oops, ashley,
i almost didn't see you nestled in there between Mor.

thank you kindly,
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

nice poem.
 — hank

Lovely!
 — RenataYDuma

thanks hanky panky
and RenataY  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

exceptional use of rhyme, very varied and unique scheme and line breaks. Honestly, perfect representation of what a modern poet can do with attention to meter. Biggest problem would probably be the couple cliches. autumn/september/rust/ember... all true and representational... but also very easily noticed, and therefor often represented throughout poetry. make something out of it that its not already. (ps, quite obviously the later stanzas do that with the poem... but try to employ fresh imagery)
 — godofgaming

nice work on rhyming, but the core of the poem never gets shaped -- it's all just a game of juggling some sounds. maybe it's not your fault, or maybe your vocabulary isn't strong enough to find better phrases from more astute rhyming? i don't know. but, i was wondering if, ( sung by Al Jolson ) the leaves of brown, they came tumbling down -- that september, in the rain? through every word of doubt i read this, whispered, the raindrops seemed to sing a sweet refrain. though, i ask you, if spring is here, to me and you, is remembered? that cheap popular song from the 30's, in the rain?

and, why, yes why, you ask,
should it be cheap? when
everyone -- yes, each and every
pooty critical beast seems to feast,
on,

the sturm and drang
of everything thang
they remember --
that's
september, in the rain.


this is really gooey and should go good with graham cracker poetry.
 — trashpoodle

i love this. the images you paint are beautiful! very refreshing to read, flows perfectly.
 — arwilson1203

This poem's structure is good.
Odd but in a good way,

And it kinda reminds me of The Lady Of Shalott, the way it's written.

I like the imagery. Great Job!!! =]]]
 — Sonson999

I really like the syntax of this. Interesting organization.
 — cubbzor

This I love. No more to be said.
 — crimsonkiss

I love, love, LOVE the meter & rhythm on this. Fantastic.
 — xChelseax

dear poodle, do you like s'mores?  hehe...

thanks for reading my poem.  autumn is a beautiful bastard.

thanks to you also,  
arw, sonson, cubbz, crims, chelsx
 — jenakajoffer

Jen:  I just got this.  I think you want "amber" in L5.  Amber is a color.  Ember is a burning fragment from a fireplace, grill, campfire, etc... .  The "10" remains because it's a gorgeous write.  :-)  xoxo! Shitdawg
 — starr

WOW. what a true piece of poetic art. favorited. :)
 — Sequiturist

I do like how it rolls of the tongue--
I like how each sentence is placed as well.
 — mandolyn

thank you very much Seq, and mandee.

hey Starr, thanks buddy.  you know, the ember is making chatter, i think someone else thought it should be amber too.  'leaves of rust' is rust, nothing else, it just rolls like it's another descriptor of the leaf colour.  kind of a trick i guess.  embers make chatter.
thanks as always for lookin oot far meh!  xo
 — jenakajoffer

i really like the poem.
and the content.
Line 12; seem to kite across my brow. it jars.
stanza 2, 3, and 4 start with and, and, as.
can they be removed?

Line 31; would gold read better than green,

anyway. nice write. i like your poetry.
 — billy423uk

thanks for the great critique, billy
you're right, and thanks for noticing,  
i had meant to change the couple 'and' starter lines, as i agree
they weren't very polished.

i made a few tweaks in the line-breaks, stza 2,
but i love the kiting line, so it will never change.  but thank you. =-)

also,
green is summer, gold is fall.  so, that's what i mean with green ;)
however, i just realized that skein is pronounced 'skay-ne' so my rhyme is screwed.  huh, after all this time eh.  that is awful, how come no one told me?

mould jesus was right, this poem should follow a proper meter, and it doesn't.
the end of L6 & 12 should rhyme as well, but now that 25 & 31 don't either, i guess it matters none.  oh well.

thank you for your comment, i appreciate your helpful thoughts.
 — jenakajoffer

1st stanza - quite nice, but consider "chattering in the breeze." It doesn't sound forced and still carries a nice visual

2nd stanza - skies of marmalade feel sticky. Violet's nice, but I'm not seeing marmalade skies kite across your brow.

3rd stanza - active voice -> while bumblebees nest

4th stanza - as the wild geese fly
and
I look to see children cry


All in all a good work. Visuals well wrought. Well chosen words. I like it.
 — Bloodfetish

Hello Bloodfetish,
can't thank you enough for your visit to this poem.
your thoughts have been most helpful, and I've implemented most of your ideas, though still struggling with some.  I'm happy you've made an appearance, it's been a very long time.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

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