The bitter taste
of you and me together
has melted, its aroma singing aloof
in a cup of spilling sorrow.
You lay there cocooned
on a parched rag of earth
baited like an archaic mermaid
gleaming in hope and butterfly skin
shreds of bones
and a tattered trousseau
squirming under sulfurous sunlight
with lipstick laden lips chewed in ire.
9 Nov 08
Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 10, 10
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I like this very much. It's powerful, very original and true from start to finish. The more I read the more I marvel - I particularly love the other-wordly mermaid imagery with which you reveal such compassion. This is one of your best trochee and improves on lots of readings, just as the most interesting, multi-layered poems always do.
This has a timeless quality that I love. It is also very beautiful and lyrical. Impressed.
m ire d
Interesting perspective. I don't find the alliteration overdone as on reading the poem several times I didn't even register the alliteration, so it's working for me. Again, the adjectives don't interrupt the flow of this as each word conveys something.
taste - together
arch ai c - merm ai d
squirming sulfurous sun
Thanks sweet smugzy.
alright unknown. it may seem a little wordy to you but i am sure it was required.
thanks again smugs ;) muwaah.
thanks unknown. nice.
another great one, troch.
trochee, I agree with smugzy on every point. The alliteration is not over-done, in fact I believe it's what makes the poem read so smoothly. Nice work.
go raibh maith agaibshe...
Maidin 's tús an lae
's fágaim mo bhaile.
Tá mo chroíse go brón
's fada ar shiúl m'óige.
'S Fágaim mo Bhaile...
Morning and the start of the day
and I leave my home.
My heart is grieving
and my youth is long past.
And I leave my home...
thnks sweet unknown.
i see why people favorited this. you know how to create great images as well as effectively use metaphors. the last word was so efficiently used. don't mean to boast about the grand qualities of this poem but i kind of have to.
instead of 'you curse'
get rid of 'you' and make that 'cursing'.
consider leaving out 'with' in l9.
these two changes might solve the run-on feel of s2; which is wonderful. just needs some tweaking.
thanks unknown 1 (varun?) - good one.
thanks unknown 2.
upon my knee, a bouncing lass
in my glass, a pint of bass
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