monarch-y flits o'er
fields of Clover
dirty and unaware
that i'm no longer the sky,
the half moon--
he stole me away
to sunflower fields
13 Nov 08
Rated 8 (7.6) by 10 users.
Active (10): 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 1, 2, 3, 3, 5, 6, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
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i like this..
Very interesting and creative. I am grounded, daisy chained - wish I had written that!
the ending is empty and if it could somehow end around line ten it would be, i think, a definitive poem on this topic. it deserves a second edit.
Yes, this is very creative. I really like the line breaks in this and the second stanza is SO powerful.
Nice one, loving last 4 lines!
nice writing, Aziel.
mike has a good point but i don't mind
the way this piece is right now.
i'm getting really bored of sunflowers,
they're freakin everywhere.
nice poem though. I'd like to see it end before the flowers come in,
but the bucking (woops i almost typed 'f*cking') is really cool.
very good line breaks.
interesting way of describing this strange, sometimes awkward and disorienting event.
i like the use of shamelessly in |12. good word.
flowery 'n well laid out under the swooning half moon Aziel -- a ten for the imagist brevity making many flushed reflections
ps. the fucking is really cool.
ending maybe could be sharpened.
"blood red" would be stronger. I know you lose the flower theme then, though. Why the capital for clover?
Love the poem overall.
i could have sworn i already commented and rated this. anyway, good stuff here.
i'll give it a quick 7.
yes i very well remember commenting on how i like the phrase "bucking shamelessly."
this conveys your image quite well.
the wording of this poem is really nice..."i'm no longer the sky, but underneath the half moon--"...cool image right there.
very nice job
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oh lovely. love the bucking part -- Eugene