poetry critical

online poetry workshop

coffee with vagina

i noticed her glasses:
black square rims.
abnormal camouflage
maybe she's got something,
i thought to myself.
i noticed her ass:
bubble butt,
a real apple-bottom.
i'm a lush for
that kind of eclipse.
i sat there at the bar
alternating shots of black velvet
and bottles of bud light
trying to forge
an angle.
she seemed like the
kind of girl
who'd read ayn rand,
the kind of girl
who'd appreciate
an original
off-speed pitch.
finally decided
i'd tell her
she had the
of an eccentric.
she walked by
to the restroom
while i was playing pool
with a city snowplow driver
named frank.
when she came out
i asked
if i could tell her something.
she said.
you've got the
of an eccentric,
i told her.
how long did it
take for you to
come up
with that?
off the cuff
purely off the cuff,
i told her.
what else you got?
she asked.
there's something solemn
in your face
that outlasts the crowd,
i told her.
that's just
more of the same,
she said
and went back
to a table full of
fleece and wool:
carbon credits
and patronizers of
farmers markets.
what was that
all about chief?
asked frank.
i gave her
my best knuckle ball
but she didn't flinch,
i said
and chalked my cue.
i think she takes her
coffee with vagina
if you know
what i mean,
he said.
that's good
ego salve,
i said.
nice ass though,
he said.
like a
i said.
ha ha
that made
him laugh.
i sipped my
crown and seven
the horizon
for something more

10 Jan 09

Rated 10 (7.6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (34): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(13 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
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Tight!  :-)
 — starr

HA! I like it!!
 — autumn1860

the title alone is a working piece of art, nice write.
 — syrossoul

unk you've written some gritty pieces here and they all wrestle the reader into realistic moments to garner - a Bukowski-esque story that is believable 'n well writ with your wit in it
 — AlchemiA

nicely done.
 — stackpop

coffee and vagina. this title keeps stirring in my head
 — unknown

Great job! the title is unique and it started out like an overtune for the rest of the poem. Well stroked prose. and I really enjoyed the build and the punch line and perfect finish.  
 — jpnoir

i propose a toast for all the
well-writ prose that you post.

ayn rand, says frank o'connor,
takes her coffee with a vagina
and would shrug off even the
prospect of atlas being liquid
and fluid in a flawed flued
head by the fountain in


er a faved "diez" as the
spaniards would put it.

: )
: )
 — fractalcore

er minus one : )
coz i hate to
repeat myself.

[ : ) ]
 — fractalcore

nice work justin

 — unknown

it's good writing, but the subject leaves me a little bored... what is more interesting to me is you writing this, watching yourself writing it...

i understand the moment captured, the scopic focus round the anchored theme, in this case.. 3 words.. amusing as they are.. it's also tedious in the obvious context here..

.. you begin by objectifying subject, subject then responds as subject, and when dismissed you return to even more vigorous objectification... and this may very well be the point.. the reflection of your knowing just how crass most of this moment and interaction actually is... watching yourself invert your own intelligence for the sake of ego... which would make you actually hyper-selfaware.. which I like in people... oh yes..

..but even so, this is good form, one which you have practiced and honed well, and it is open to questions, which you don't run away from, you expose yourself to an interrogation, wether you intend this or not..

.. reads like a Boys Own Manual on how too be male... but it is something less obvious too...

and by 'amiable, i think you mean 'available', or 'easier to schmooze with cheap talk', or 'desperate', or 'cheap', or 'dumb', or 'naive'... as, obviously, women who know their own minds, and can see right through your 'sweet talk' are out of your league :)

still, not so bad a read...
 — Mongrol

ha. mongrols comment is even better than the poem.

 — unknown

crude and heartless.
 — unknown

It just.....it just..........it reads like prose. I don't know. that bothers me.
but a good story with some poetic moments.
 — Kassidy

So lovely
 — themolly

very Bukowski.
 — jonsatin

this reminfds me of fdostev?? haha creepy title!!
 — unknown

fdostev aka justin?

you betcha.
: )
 — fractalcore

i just realized that i am surprised he used the word vagina. id have expected cunt.
 — unknown

i hope you approach me when we meet in a bar
 — OKcomputer

BANG UP JOB with this one... (pun intended)
I can't fault it, really, although I think you should CAPitalize your "I"'s.
keep up the good work!!!
 — aforbing

why not "coffee and cunt" ?
 — unknown

yeah tight!
 — bohemian


the tone is free and there
is a great humor to it
 — Salamander

nice critique Mongrol!

Justin is tortured by his self awareness moreso than most.

When someone equally self aware or more self aware interacts with him, he reverts to primitive behaviors for solace.
 — unknown

That made me laugh so fucking hard.  10.
 — Aziel

Also, did you pick the name Frank on purpose?  That was the name of Ayn Rand's husband.
 — Aziel

i wonder if
wrote this
and i wonder if
has ever read any
 — unknown

schweeet :)
 — FrayedSkirt

Great stuff.  Made me smile.
 — CryptApoidea

He should have asked her for email and met her for coffee and vagina later.
 — eljota

24 ratings? I don't think so.
 — unknown

http://www.poet rycritical.net/read/30078/
 — unknown

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 24 users.

that's what it says ;)
 — Mongrol

espresso infused genitals

i fucking love this shite
 — ash_toddler

really enjoyed this!
 — shards

HAHA! This is great. I really enjoyed it and saw it unfold in my mind's eye. Nice one!
 — grneyeddevil

you're spittin some great flow there. my only suggestion would be to replace some of the hesaid/shesaids with "quotation marks." i think readers would understand.
 — stateofmind

love the title.
 — autumnsea

this is his...its the same guy as laura nezbit..
 — brother_sun

read both of them i just rated this one to show the similarity in the writing...
 — brother_sun

hm, the unknowns up there believe this to be justin's. i too thought that when i had first read it back then- but i never said anything. maybe they are talking about a different justin because that wasn't his screen name back then. this is a great poem and i believe it is something he could definitely write- the ending is very him. :)
 — mandolyn

I read this poem, remembered my favorite college bar, and smiled.
 — TrickyB

This is great.
 — dannyprice

This is fucking amazing. 40-50, damn! LOL
 — yield

http://nyqpoets.net/ poet/justinhyde

This guy?
 — unknown

that sounds awfully familar if you read some of his poetry...justin hyde
 — brother_sun

justin hyden...i looked up some of his work and he is really good..he is a correctional officer..my dad use to work for the prison system federal that is..but i think this is him same style same thin line breaks and very sexual too..his writing that is..
 — brother_sun

 — unknown

glimpses of the surreal replaced with hints of physical presence.  I would say that it is good because it makes it seem like you are there; however, this comes off as fictional.  And you miss a lot of punctuation that helps define the meaning of the poem.  What does a statement made by a character mean if it is not ;parenthesized?  
 — percocet

So women's asses are what poetry is about here?
 — annakatterin

I think this is another testosterone poem that implies any woman who will not let herself be picked up is a lesbian. It is the kind of sophmoric thought process that makes all men look like idiots and women objects.
 — unknown

No, women's asses are not what poetry is about here but each poet is allowed to write their own experience.  You can like it or not but it's part of the show.  If you don't like it, don't comment, it's very simple.
 — unknown