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Slick Torrent
Haxxen

Trail of serpent, followed me here
 1
Or perhaps I followed it too
 2
To a village of idiots and occasional wisdom
 3
befalling the fancy of fools.
 4
 
 
*
 5
 
 
Iniquities abound
 6
And too, am I bound
 7
By their peculiar chimera
 8
Of libertine ladies gracing my floor
 9
Whilst the man
 10
Masturbates at my door.
 11
 
 
*
 12
 
 
The scent of lewd coupling
 13
oft' graces my lips
 14
While copulate literature
 15
Flows
 16
from my fingertips
 17
Ending up here in some virtual space
 18
With no grace of its origin
 19
given.
 20
 
 
*
 21
 
 
This slick torrent of digital lore,
 22
in time
 23
will be gone,
 24
and thenceforth unknown
 25
Leaving there only tablets
 26
Of truly wise Toltecs
 27
Writ
 28
In immutable stone.
 29

5 Feb 09

Rated 9.5 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (2): 9

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Comments:

Very impressed!  Love the flow and line breaks.  L13-20 are fabulous.  
Great concept--apropos for this time and place.
 — sybarite

I may have to start kissing your ass sybarite.  Not only do I like your comment, but find myself enamoured by your writing as well.  ty for the comment.
 — Haxxen

this poem's got some cool moves.
my suggestions are simple changes to things like ending and beginning a line with the same word, like you have "to/too" L2-3.  also the comma in line 1 is uneccesary.

village idiots and fancy fools, woo!  i like that.

i strongly suggest a rephrasing of line7.
perhaps "and I too, am bound" or even better "and I, bound".
'oft' is odd and it bugs me, but that's me.
why 'thenceforth'?? ha, that's a toughie.  (lose comma at the end of 24)

great ending, yesirindeed. got some nice words going on.
thanks!
 — jenakajoffer

Great advice Jena.  The comma stays because I think breaking that flow up makes it easier to digest somehow.  Also, would keep too and to... thats just the way I "roll".  :)  HOWEVER yes, line 7 bothered me.  Will relook at that, and I agree that 'oft is a little pretentious here.  Thenceforth however stays.  I put too much thought into that word, wihich I think is sorely under utilized, just to abort it.  Losing comma in line 24 also a good idea.  Thanks for the crit.
 — Haxxen

ok that's cool Hax, but you did real neat and tidy in this poem until the last stanza where it's riddled with those messy looking tadpoles we call commas.  just look at it! lol.

of course you gotta roll the way ya roll, i'm all into that too,
but just to be playfully argumentative, the placement of the first comma does not aid in digestion, it causes constipation in that it slows things down uneccesarily.

=-)
 — jenakajoffer

ok Jenna, fair enough, will think about that (Line 1).  

The commas in the last stanza are supposed to give the impression of the poem slowing to a grinding halt (like "The machine" will one day.)  It doesn't work huh?
 — Haxxen

nope, messy as all hell.

by the way, what exactly is a toltec?

(you can call me Jen, if you like)
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Hmmm.. that sucks.  Maybe different linebreaks then instead of commas.

What a Toltec is depends on who you talk to.  They are supposed to be the ancestors of the Aztecs, but some historians think that they were mythical.  Castaneda talked alot about their wisdom in vague terms.  Some, however, believe that all ancient wisdom began with the Totecs, and that they were far more advanced than we are today.  Some think that not only the south american pyramids, but also the pyramids of the pharoahs bear inscriptions that were narrated by this race.
 — Haxxen

hm, interesting.  thanks for indulging me.  are you a historian?

yes line breaks will do it.  the way i figure, you should have only one comma appearing at the end of a line, and that would be after Toltecs.  this way, your piece will look pretty.  

a good friend of mine taught me that.  i don't always follow it, but it's pretty cool advice when you aren't indulging in punctuation.
 — jenakajoffer

i mean, showed me how all those commas and stuff at the end of a line can look kinda ugly sometimes.
=-)  
 — jenakajoffer

sorry for comment whoring all over your poem.  i will now turn off my computer.
 — jenakajoffer

Not even nearly a historian.

If you're going to be a whore, a poetry whore seems like a safe aside to the alternative.  Thanks for being mine in the moment.  :)
 — Haxxen

U faintly porno litteratur u...I (sickko that I am) actually liked it.  U'v left your mark, only its all over the sheets.
Nice product.
KIU  :)
LaG
 — LaGamba

Jena, change to line 7 made.  thak you.  not thinking it will live up to what you meant, but your pointing it out afforded a sinmple change that makes me happier overall.

R/H
 — Haxxen

Cool poem.  I especially like the opening stanza.  Nice write.
 — JKWeb

Second stanza - I lol'd
 — faith

some rotfl.  
 — Haxxen

lol

great.

worked its way up to that standing oveja ending on . . . . Toltecs

thanks

Chap Ultapeck[err]
 — unknown

Lines 13-17 = YESSS
 — faith

"Pair of De Sade's."   No disturbance or concern, shit's f'd up so go with it - You are the, "immutable stone." BS.  Care...Care, and care some more.
 — percocet

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