poetry critical

online poetry workshop



80 degrees in december
unknown

my raw hands are so cold
 1
the skin's freezing in little pieces
 2
to the blue plastic bench in the park, where i sit.
 3
and id wrap them up,
 4
but i left my gloves on the cheap seats in your car
 5
for the next time we were together
 6
which apparently, wont be until its 80 degrees
 7
in this december
 8
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 9
 
 
my raw hands are so cold
 10
the skin's freezing in little pieces
 11
to the blue plastic bench in the park, where i wait.
 12
for the bus to pull up, take me to a destination
 13
id rather not be. places with memories
 14
id prefer to forget. but I know Ill get on anyways
 15
 
 
Look out the window and see that time we went for a picnic.
 16
you forgot the blanket; i misplaced the food.
 17
and by the end the grass stains on our legs made us laugh.
 18
 
 
It'll take me past the dairy shop on the corner,
 19
and i'll be calling you at two a.m., crying
 20
youll take me out for ice cream; demand more sprinkles
 21
and when i lose my cone we'll go back for another.
 22
 
 
And I know my bus will have to go by the street
 23
where I watched my dog get shot, and bleed out
 24
because no one would come, and your cell was off
 25
when you finally arrived I was mopping his life off the cobbled road
 26
 
 
I'd like to forget, but here I am bringing it all up
 27
before the bus even arrives.
 28
the aching of my fingers reminds me.
 29
and id wrap them,
 30
but i left my gloves on the cheap seats in your car
 31
for the next time we were together
 32
which apparently, wont be until its 80 degrees
 33
in this east coast december
 34

9 Feb 09

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Since it has been 80 in December many times where I live, the ending doesn't hit me very hard.  Do you not have pockets is my next question.

I'd like more to this, more of who you are, what brought you to the plastic chair.
 — Isabelle5

any better?
 — silentspring

I'm not sure I like the changes
 — unknown

I like the long version, gets us inside your head a bit and the last line makes a huge difference.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks isabelle5.

anyone else have any comments?
 — silentspring

Can't say anything but how much I loved it! You maight want more instructive crit than that, but that's not my way. I like the way you wrote it, and the voice rings true.
 — crimsonkiss

0.451s