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big moon
hank

The moon tonight was so bright
 1
and big upon its rising i swear you
 2
could wrap your right hand around
 3
the back of its head and draw it near
 4
to make love to it and speak quietly
 5
though you'd have a handful
 6
 
 
the moon tonight was so luminous
 7
that you would have had a hard
 8
on(e)time i could just keep the car
 9
from veering off into a stone wall
 10
due to that brilliance of the mighty moon
 11
my head seemed its receptacle
 12

10 Feb 09

Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 6, 7

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Comments:

ow, ow, ow change the last line, it hurts my brain
 — Ananke

Tonight, the moon rose so bright and big
that it seemed possible to put your hand
behind the old man's head, draw it near
for a kiss.

So luminous, so blinding,
hard to keep your car from
veering off into a wall.

My eyes shone like moon-spotlights,
as if I had swallowed it whole.
 — Isabelle5

sorry, I got carried away with the moonbeams, didn't I?

As you can see, I think this has great potential but needs some tightening.  I find it odd to say you'd put your hand behind it's head, make love to it but you don't make the needed reference to the man in the moon, to a face, lips, anything you can make love to.  I don't think you need the 'handful' line, it's distracting, to me at least.
 — Isabelle5

Hank, of course!  I should have guessed it was you, this is your style, absolutely!
 — Isabelle5

its half excellent. just make the 2nd half better than the 1st.
(the 1st being GREAT!
grabbed me by the neck unexpectedly.
grab me again!
throw 8-12. do them over.
i mean, if you ask me...)
 — gnormal

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