ow, ow, ow change the last line, it hurts my brain
Tonight, the moon rose so bright and big
that it seemed possible to put your hand
behind the old man's head, draw it near
for a kiss.
So luminous, so blinding,
hard to keep your car from
veering off into a wall.
My eyes shone like moon-spotlights,
as if I had swallowed it whole.
sorry, I got carried away with the moonbeams, didn't I?
As you can see, I think this has great potential but needs some tightening. I find it odd to say you'd put your hand behind it's head, make love to it but you don't make the needed reference to the man in the moon, to a face, lips, anything you can make love to. I don't think you need the 'handful' line, it's distracting, to me at least.
Hank, of course! I should have guessed it was you, this is your style, absolutely!
its half excellent. just make the 2nd half better than the 1st.
(the 1st being GREAT!
grabbed me by the neck unexpectedly.
grab me again!
throw 8-12. do them over.
i mean, if you ask me...)