poetry critical

online poetry workshop



C*S*
vida

as if the dark's were never in your shadows
 1
and even they knew what it meant to shine,
 2
 
 
darkly grace in mixtures of ugly, and I
 3
inconditely taste of your beauty
 4
and struggling to hold on, as demersal things
 5
 
 
hysterically soaking ideas in the bottom of
 6
oceans, hidden with every bit of you, running
 7
in the depths of me, and the foggy ocean
 8
knew not what to make of us, slowly seas moving
 9
towards pitch black and blue, as time hurried to
 10
agitate the rising of black nights, yet calmly
 11
as feathers, shadows falling upon your smile,
 12
 
 
black holes conspired against your light
 13
and you didn't even dim... I wish never to
 14
win your love, but to be a-part, mixtures
 15
 
 
like the wind in your hair and the ocean breeze, and although
 16
to you oblivion holds me, to me our whole life re-appears
 17

11 Feb 09

Rated 10 (8.5) by 5 users.
Active (5):
Inactive (8): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(183 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

nice insinuating line in this, with nice wording, and with the focus always seeming to be on the object, your thought of 'it', and what that means to you. very real evocation of both situation and of strength, seemingly allowing you to control the situation through us, through our reading.
 — geckodrome

Thank you, this subject means a lot to me. If you understand this poem you'll get what It feels to me, losing someone you care for.
 — unknown

that's kind of all i really understand. i was hoping it was this, and that i wasn't 'reading into it' my own trip. nice read.
 — geckodrome

Really like L13-15 and the style of this piece.  
 — sybarite

Line 2 - 'even them knew' Is that to be 'even they knew," speaking of the darks, whatever they are?

Inconditely - can't find a definition
demersal - can't find a definition

Lines 13-15 are very strong but the rest seems almost dreamlike, that half awake state of talking but not using words that make sense.  

Not sure what to make of it.
 — Isabelle5

-Inconditely -
Badly constructed; crude / [Latin inconditus : in-, not; see  in-1 + conditus, past participle of condere, to put together

-Demersal -
1.  Dwelling at or near the bottom of a body of water: a demersal fish.
2. Sinking to or deposited near the bottom of a body of water: demersal fish eggs

thanks for L2
 — unknown

incondite, from my concise OED, has it as 'ill-put together'. and i'd read 'demersal' as, of not worthy (things)... like, 'un-warrented', un-merited'?
 — geckodrome

ough, la, la! : )

where did you find 'demersal'? my full OED is software, and down.
 — geckodrome

smggs. there it was online, all that time. a fisheries term. so, re-reading -- yes, 'bottom of oceans'.  

i'm dumb. nice poem.
 — geckodrome

Wow, thank you for those definitions.  Always good to learn a couple of new words.

Now, can you take the comma from after 'knew' in line 2?  It all makes more sense now.
 — Isabelle5

doesn't the comma need to be there for emphasis? the way the comma is used by the Elizabethans? shakespeare? to show 'meaning as emphasis'?
 — geckodrome

I don't know if it's "even they knew what it meant to shine" OR 'even they knew, what it meant to shine."

Different in emphasis, depends what is really wanted there by the poet.  
 — Isabelle5

the 'emotional', i think.

and even they knew,
what it meant to shine.

-- don't we, poets, figure and build emotion up out of difference and repetition?
 — geckodrome

Yes, Mike, but it's up to the poet, not the reader, to define it for us.  I'm waiting to hear what this poem's creator has to say.
 — Isabelle5

even they knew, what it meant to shine
(even 'her shadows' knew, what it meant to shine)
 — unknown

and, in using the comma, the author has defined how we're to read this. you're asking the author to drop the comma, not me.
 — geckodrome

I didn't ask her to drop it, I posed a question, asked if that's really what she meant.  Can you take the comma....that's not a command, it's a question.
 — Isabelle5

does every suggestion to you 'you asked her to drop the comma' have to always be taken by you as an authoritarian imperative?? it makes you seem reactionary. all i'm doing is simply dialoging, looking for the explication, not the final solution. the truth is always in the author, the poem is always the author's truth.
 — geckodrome

Well, dialogue with the poet, not me.  This is not our poem, it's someone else's.
 — Isabelle5

what part of the critical dialog, as shown in Poetry Magazine's letters section, did you decide you'd ignore today?
 — geckodrome

guys please don't argue over a comma,,,, thank you both, very very much, for your thoughts on this, I honestly appreciate it. I'm just happy someone enjoyed this poem...  
 — unknown

author, the dialog here in pc. is about poetry, and this comma business is actually pretty important for p.c.. there's no logical or 'parts of speech' reason for the comma to be where it is in line 2, but there is historical and literary reasons for it to be there. that's what we're talking about and why. problem with P.C. is that it isn't a beginner's site -- it's a full-on writer's site with many levels of writer and poet, and you can't expect us not to read you as though we'd written the poem ourselves... editing it, reading it upside down, looking for the author in it. and, isn't that better than, 'this is good/bad' comments? really?
 — geckodrome

I agree and I know you're right. I put the comma in it's place for emotion. Almost without thinking it just went with the sentence as if L2 was incomplete without it. It was my only way to express to the reader and myself that even her shadows, even they knew, what it meant to shine. I wrote that line because shadows don't shine, their shadows... ha but hers in a million did! (at least in a poetic sense... Plus let me just add I'm from Brazil, I speak Portuguese and my grammar can sometimes come off weird or wrong, but that comma was placed there for a reason I'm sure of that.) I appreciate so much your comments thank you sincerely.
 — unknown

another thing that's evident, is that the line sings better with the comma there, dividing it into harmonics.

another thing too, is that John Donne didn't study the same 'english grammar' in school which we study, but studied 'latin grammar'. the punctuation marks of the 16th century were inspired by reading, and reading aloud, and in his and his contemporary's poetry the marks are meant to show how the poem is supposed to be felt. modern english punctuation and spelling is really a product of business practice needing consistency for passing messages and making unmistakable contracts and orders.
 — geckodrome

I suppose my Portuguese grammar rub off into my English...
 — unknown

nice poem.
: )
 — fractalcore

Thanks Fractalcore :)
 — unknown

This is a beautiful and sad poem.  I would have to say that the comma in L2 after "knew" is out of place.  It serves no purpose there and it inserts a breath/pause where no breath nor pause is needed.  The comma at the end of L2 is fine.
 — starr

starr, don't you think that people tend to quick-read 'poetry', like it was a newspaper item? so, i'm reading this as a poem -- wording with cadence, and i make the pause naturally, probably as you do too? but, i think that the others maybe don't, and that they need the comma to slow them at that point. reading the poem as a sequence of melodic and romantic harmonies, that comma just is 'there' and not a stopper, since i'm coming to rest at that point naturally.
 — geckodrome

geckodrome you hit it on the money. It's not some comma that interrupts the sentence or slows you down or anything like that. It's there for emotion you pause right there for a second to give reflection to what was just read... It's like me adding an exclamation mark!! in the middle of my sentence. ?? idk if that made sense but that's the way I see it.
 — vida

vida, have you noticed that people who don't write english as a first language write some of the most beautiful english poetry? is it because they're free'd of 'school grammar' -- but, english grammar is what they learn! or, is it that they're coming from a culture which really likes poetry and song, and wants life and song everywhere, and not just in a 'music hall' or on the 'telly'? maybe it's only that most of the people here in p.c. aren't musical, and want blog truth and small-confession and quick word-snack. anyway, i was delighted when the author of this revealed that portugese was part of it. it's such a beautiful language.
 — geckodrome

yeah sometimes not knowing the rules gives one the freedom of innumerable possibilities, bending the laws of grammar one did not even know was there... It's important to know and understand grammar but I feel poetry goes beyond the normal surface of "school grammar." It should surpass into creative thinking and reading.    
 — vida

so I guess you don't like my poem, thanks for rating it a "1" that was pretty harsh...
 — unknown

any poem gecko comments on i will rate with a 1
 — unknown

i don't rate any poem with a '1'. i rate them all '10', so that someone else gets a chance to read it.
 — geckodrome

another reason to rate every poem gecko goes near with a 1
 — unknown

Just rate the poem for what it is, whatever happened to that idea?? Just give it an honest rating both ways whether high or low!! How stupid to have a rating system ran by idiots...
 — vida

the entire idea of 'rating' a poem -- where is that real? in what literary scene is 'i got a 10 at poetry critical' an important thing for an author?
 — geckodrome

the more gecko comments the  more i rate poems with a 1. simple math.
 — unknown

Thank you all for your comments
 — vida

great read!! 13-15L
 — unknown

black holes conspired against your light
and you didn't even dim... I wish never to
win your love, but to be a-part, mixtures --> sends a wondrous message of love
 — AlchemiA

Thank you so much... I really like those 3 lines too, very inspiring
 — vida

This is beautiful. i like the effect this poem brings upon me.
 — nurze

:)
 — vida

not bad
but the punctuation could choke a donkey
 — chuckle_s

this is beautifully written-
my only suggestion would be to put a comma between 'you' and 'oblivion' in line 17
otherwise, very nICE...
 — JKWeb

Hey you know I was reading that and I have to agree line 17 is better now I think... thanks
 — vida

I took out the comma l 17
 — vida

tory burch shoes
yeezy shoes
curry shoes
kobe 9
michael kors outlet
lebron soldier 10
westbrook shoes
atlanta falcons jersey
longchamp bags
adidas outlet online
basketball shoes
kevin durant shoes
air jordan 13
yeezy
louboutin shoes uk
cheap oakley sunglasses
http://www.kobebas ketballshoes.us.com
adidas ultra
nike huarache
jordan retro 6
vans shoes
timberland outlet
yeezy boost 350 v2
nfl jerseys
adidas pure boost
adidas nmd
hermes belt
yeezy boost 350
lebron 14
longchamp bags
adidas ultra boost uncaged
nike flyknit racer
adidas stan smith sneakers
kyrie shoes
prada glasses
michael kors outlet online
adidas yeezy
michael kors handbags
tom ford eyewear
yeezy boost
van cleef arpels
calvin klein outlet online
balenciaga
longchamp
nike zoom
retro jordans
yeezy boost 350 v2
kobe shoes
michael kors outlet online
tom ford sunglasses
nike air force
yeezy boost 350 v2
moncler outlet
off white
nike air max 2018
air max 90
new england patriots jersey
off white hoodie
lebron 15
yeezy 700
chrome hearts online
nike zoom
christian louboutin
air jordan
adidas nmd runner
jordan retro
louboutin shoes
nike air force 1
nike foamposite
adidas yeezy
adidas stan smith
air force 1
paul george shoes
yeezy boost 350
yeezy shoes
nike air zoom
longchamp outlet
hogan outlet
off white clothing
kobe basketball shoes
nike air presto
longchamp bags
kyrie shoes
nike polo shirts
nike air max 90
converse outlet
yeezy boost 350
michael kors outlet
russell westbrook shoes
nike air max
asics shoes
yeezy boost 350 v2
Kanye West shoes
kobe 9
pandora charms
yeezy boost 350
adidas nmd
michael kors outlet online
goyard bags
kobe shoes
air max
supreme clothing
adidas tubular
balenciaga triple s
rayban sunglasses
adidas tubular
moncler jackets
nike hyperdunk
chrome hearts online
longchamp handbags
adidas superstars
adidas stan smith shoes
air jordans
adidas eqt
moncler jackets
jordan shoes
basketball shoes
ferragamo belts
adidas online shop
nba jerseys
golden goose
nike roshe one
nike max
pandora jewelry
curry 4 shoes
nike polo
nike football boots
yeezy boost 350 v2
links of london
balenciaga
kobe basketball shoes
true religion
nike flyknit racer
patriots jersey
real jordans for sale cheap
links of london outlet store
red bottoms
kd shoes
adidas yeezy
longchamp handbags
oakley sunglasses
nike air huarache
ferragamo belt
red bottom shoes
michael kors outlet store
adidas superstar
kyrie irving shoes
jordan 13
pure boost
kyrie 4
balenciaga sneakers
nike mercurial
nike zoom running shoe
nike sneakers for women
supreme hoodie
dior glasses
tory burch outlet
100% real jordans for cheap
kobe shoes
lacoste online shop
golden goose outlet
prada sunglasses
nike outlet store online shopping
nike flyknit
kobe sneakers
converse outlet store
adidas stan smith
adidas shoes
adidas eqt
nike air max 90
jordan 4
oakley store
ray ban sunglasses
jordan 11 retro
air max 90
cheap basketball shoes
air presto
asics kayno
nike air huarache
goyard
nike hyperdunk 2017
nike dunk shoes
af1
adidas yeezy boost
nike lebron soldier 10
tory burch shoes
lebron 13
nike basketball shoes
hermes belt
michael jordan shoes
goyard bags
nike running shoes
kobe 11
adidas outlet
moncler jackets
vibram five fingers
true religion outlet
adidas ultra boost
michael kors outlet
adidas ultra boost
goyard handbags
nmd
nike flyknit
golden goose
nike dunks
gucci belt
cheap nba jerseys
nike air max
cheap jordans
roshe run
ultra boost
chrome hearts
jordan retro 12
zx flux
falcons jersey
fitflops
harden shoes
moncler outlet
air max 2018
michael kors handbags
nike free
curry 4
ferragamo belts
birkin bag
retro jordans
goyard handbags
yeezy
nike outlet
moncler jacket
roshe shoes
adidas gazelle
vibram fivefingers
crazy explosive
hermes handbags
russell westbrook shoes
nmd
van cleef
air force 1
mlb jerseys
adidas nmd
off white clothing
birkin bag
yeezy boost 350
nike air max 2017
cheap jordans
longchamp
yeezy boost
longchamp
ray ban
cheap mlb jerseys
longchamp outlet
nike roshe
burberry
links of london sale
nike air zoom
nmd
adidas ultra boost
adidas eqt support
hogan outlet online
jordan 6
nike air huarache
yeezy boost 350 v2
adidas store
yeezy boost 350 v2
cat boots
kate spade handbags
yeezy shoes
links of london
michael kors outlet
nike air force 1
balenciaga shoes
adidas crazy explosive
adidas outlet
nike cortez men
birkin bag
adidas yeezy
iniki
100% real jordans for cheap
bape hoodie
hermes belts for men
yeezy shoes
moncler jackets
lebron james shoes
adidas iniki
michael kors handbags
longchamp bags
damian lillard shoes
converse outlet
pandora charms
paul george shoes
asics gel kayano
stephen curry shoes
vapor max
dior sunglasses
cheap nfl jerseys
nike air max
adidas nmd
golden goose
yeezy boost
lebron soldier 11
michael kors handbags
adidas zx flux
pandora bracelet
yeezy boost 350
balenciaga shoes
nike roshe
chrome hearts
jordan 11
air yeezy
yeezy shoes
true religion jeans
golden goose sneakers
adidas nmd r1
yeezy shoes
fenty puma
tom ford sunglasses
tom ford eyewear
kobe byrant shoes
nike huarache
ray ban
ferragamo belt
lebron shoes
nike free run
vapormax
nike huarache
vans outlet
calvin klein outlet
yeezys
lebron 15
golden goose sneakers
yeezy boost 350
kyrie 3
michael kors factory outlet
yeezys
yeezy boost
derrick rose shoes
reebok shoes
adidas tubular
bape hoodie
nike roshe
yeezy boost
james harden shoes
adidas nmd
gucci belts
air jordan 4
yeezy boost 700
adidas yeezy
yeezy boost
nike cortez
christian louboutin shoes
longchamp longchamps
adidas tubular shadow
timberland boots
kyrie 4
nike air force
oakley sunglasses
cheap jordans
cheap jordans
hermes belt
nhl jerseys
jordan shoes
vans shoes
ysl
converse shoes
nike sneakers
asics running shoes
true religion
yeezy
burberry outlet
nike roshe run
goyard handbags
curry 4
jordan 12
yeezy boost 350
hermes birkin
pandora jewelry
fitflops sale clearance
michael kors outlet
lacoste polo
authentic jordans
caterpillar boots
nike shoes
reebok outlet
adidas superstar shoes
michael kors outlet
nike sneakers for men
lacoste outlet
chrome hearts
nike shoes for men
yeezy boost 350
fitflops
balenciaga shoes
yeezy boost
nike lebron soldier 11
oakley sunglasses
http://www.kobeshoes.uk< br /> adidas tubular shadow
kobe 11
adidas tubular
ysl handbags
jordan shoes
adidas superstar
cheap jordans
michael kors uk
nike huarache
michael kors
john wall shoes
yeezy boost 350
lacoste outlet
longchamp handbags
 — unknown

Recent Best (expand)
    0.309s