poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Perfect Logic of a Five Year Old
sybarite

My daughter--age five.
 1
Precocious little moppet,
 2
wants me to quit smoking.
 3
She doesn't feel like being an orphan--yet.
 4
I explain the difficulties,
 5
the possibility of failure.
 6
She lets me finish.
 7
     "It isn't that hard mommy," she counters,
 8
     "just don't buy any more cigarettes."
 9
Blinks once--sage green dismissal.
 10
Pirouettes--just because,
 11
and off she romps, back to Barbie.
 12
I'm left to ponder, smoke
 13
and mirrors.
 14

13 Feb 09

Rated 8 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 8, 8
Inactive (2): 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(127 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

The stupidity of innocence
 — unknown

Hmmm--should "just" be capitalized in L9?  
 — sybarite

maybe indenting 8 and 9, just to set it off as dialog? the 'just' is part of the sentence. you'd maybe, with prose, have to put a quotes at the end of 'mommy', cause the 'she says' part isn't part of what you're quoting?
 — geckodrome

geckodrome--thanks for the suggestion--and noting I'd missed a set of quotation marks after Mommy in L8--corrected.

Now--any opinion on the poem itself, outside of grammar?
 — sybarite

Oh, I forgot--I'm considering changing the title to Pirouettes and Logic--opinions?
 — sybarite

uhh!!! I like this poem a lot! How simple it all sounds from her perspective...how nice and simply simple!
 — nnikizad

"sage green dismissal"- brilliant!  And I like the title as it is.
 — unknown

Thank you nnikizad and unknown--appreciated!
 — sybarite

Yup.  The end line is very cliched.  Maybe bring the addiction factor into the last line somehow by juxtaposing it with something else that's smoking-related i.e. ashes, matches, etc... Food 4 thought.  :-)
 — starr

clmt, starr,

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated and I agree with both of you--the ending is too cliche and doesn't make a lot of sense.  It has personal significance because this child of mine, now 19, also smoke.  Mirror was to show monkey see, monkey do.  That being said, this would make little sense to anyone else reading it.  

Do you think there is any room in this to include something about her now being older and a smoker or do you think I should rework the ending to fit better with what's there?
 — sybarite

I love this poem it's cute and shows how simple children think everything is=) Love it=)
 — IsabellaSwan

Yes, just don't buy more.  That is simple.  I like the way you've kept the lines real, the way it looks in my head as you tell it.  Line 10 is priceless!  
 — Isabelle5

don't change the ending. anywhere else it might be cliche. but in this poem it is perfect
 — unknown

This whole work is balanced perfectly on 'Pirouteets'. Out-freaking-standing.
 — PaleHorse

Thank you PaleHorse.
 — sybarite

I really liked this a lot because I related...my grandmother is on oxygen and can't quit smoking....I felt like the five year old, thank you for this read. It painted a familiar image in my head.
 — psychofemale

0.318s