|The Perfect Logic of a Five Year Old
My daughter--age five.
Precocious little moppet,
wants me to quit smoking.
She doesn't feel like being an orphan--yet.
I explain the difficulties,
the possibility of failure.
She lets me finish.
"It isn't that hard mommy," she counters,
"just don't buy any more cigarettes."
Blinks once--sage green dismissal.
and off she romps, back to Barbie.
I'm left to ponder, smoke
13 Feb 09
Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Inactive (5): 7, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10
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The stupidity of innocence
Hmmm--should "just" be capitalized in L9?
maybe indenting 8 and 9, just to set it off as dialog? the 'just' is part of the sentence. you'd maybe, with prose, have to put a quotes at the end of 'mommy', cause the 'she says' part isn't part of what you're quoting?
geckodrome--thanks for the suggestion--and noting I'd missed a set of quotation marks after Mommy in L8--corrected.
Now--any opinion on the poem itself, outside of grammar?
Oh, I forgot--I'm considering changing the title to Pirouettes and Logic--opinions?
uhh!!! I like this poem a lot! How simple it all sounds from her perspective...how nice and simply simple!
"sage green dismissal"- brilliant! And I like the title as it is.
Thank you nnikizad and unknown--appreciated!
Yup. The end line is very cliched. Maybe bring the addiction factor into the last line somehow by juxtaposing it with something else that's smoking-related i.e. ashes, matches, etc... Food 4 thought. :-)
Thanks for the feedback, appreciated and I agree with both of you--the ending is too cliche and doesn't make a lot of sense. It has personal significance because this child of mine, now 19, also smoke. Mirror was to show monkey see, monkey do. That being said, this would make little sense to anyone else reading it.
Do you think there is any room in this to include something about her now being older and a smoker or do you think I should rework the ending to fit better with what's there?
I love this poem it's cute and shows how simple children think everything is=) Love it=)
Yes, just don't buy more. That is simple. I like the way you've kept the lines real, the way it looks in my head as you tell it. Line 10 is priceless!
don't change the ending. anywhere else it might be cliche. but in this poem it is perfect
This whole work is balanced perfectly on 'Pirouteets'. Out-freaking-standing.
Thank you PaleHorse.
I really liked this a lot because I related...my grandmother is on oxygen and can't quit smoking....I felt like the five year old, thank you for this read. It painted a familiar image in my head.