poetry critical

online poetry workshop



blue eyed women, hips like ancient rivers
unknown

whats up?
 1
texts an old coworker.
 2
two weeks ago
 3
we met in a bar.
 4
in the morning
 5
i woke up next to her
 6
thinking we had a chance:
 7
 
 
sent her a text
 8
later that day
 9
saying she should
 10
let me
 11
take her out to dinner:
 12
 
 
hadn't
 13
heard from her since.
 14
 
 
i text back:
 15
floundering like a squid on ice.
 16
 
 
she texts back:
 17
lol! you and your words!
 18
 
 
waz good wit you?
 19
i text.
 20
 
 
i thought
 21
i was over david
 22
but i'm not,
 23
she texts.
 24
 
 
the xylophone
 25
is always out of tune for me,
 26
i text.
 27
 
 
what?
 28
 
 
no hard feelings
 29
it's the way of the iguana
 30
and the sasquatch
 31
and the cheese grater,
 32
i text
 33
and turn the phone off.
 34
 
 
i'm sitting
 35
in the corner of
 36
the truck-stop restaurant
 37
with my headphones on.
 38
 
 
hunched over a notebook
 39
with a pen
 40
watching families
 41
and couples
 42
intermix over dinner.
 43
 
 
their world
 44
is not my world:
 45
 
 
i'm a strange hunter
 46
prowling at the edge
 47
of this blind light.
 48
 
 
i know this.
 49
 
 
know it very well.
 50
 
 
but every once and a while
 51
blue eyed women
 52
      hips like ancient rivers
 53
 
 
knock me off course.
 54

20 Feb 09

Rated 10 (8.9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8
Inactive (5): 4, 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

lines 2 thru 7, 9 thru 12, so much like my seventies, line 16, i relate to this, lines 25, 26, change of life, right... she still needed a tune up though... lines 30,31,32, vivid instinct, lines 35 thru 45 knowable, lines 51, 52, 53, 54, still effect me to this day, easy reading, funny, very good... smiles  are easy... jemuldie goeszon...
 — goeszon

Always admire this style of poetry--little snippets of life rendered to art--nicely done.  Hips like ancient rivers is a beautiful line--lovely way to describe the curves of a woman.
 — sybarite

sure and your dick is like a curved like a mammoth's rib


save yourself and move - there are plenty like you everywhere taking advantage of the wasps.  
 — unknown

each word hard penned onto a note page, as you sit there, watching, reflecting.. taking those notes.. instinctive .. and expanding .. every word right..

good poetic form.. excellent read..

[click]
 — Gynoid

this is really sexy. thank you for writing this.
 — gynodrome

I love this. It took me by surprise - starts off so prosaic but the way it's interspersed with flights of textual fantasy works so perfectly to delineate this idiosyncratic, poetic, sexy loner.
 — smugzy

Love this, enjoy the authority with which you use images, and the apparent ease of conversational tone, simultaneously containing the Hopper like loneliness of the human experience. I was impressed with the last 4 lines. Brilliant way to end.
 — crimsonkiss

pretty good.
 — dismantleme

their world
is not my world:

Simple and yet to the heart of things.
 — dia

0.188s