poetry critical

online poetry workshop



space
hank

this can take you away from there
 1
remember why you use it
 2
there is where you give away
 3
here is where you get
 4
here is where you rejuvinate
 5
or at least can dream while awake
 6
this we know is important
 7
remember Rousseau
 8
walk to dream or walk to see
 9

24 Feb 09

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i think i know where your wanting to go with this, but not sure if it gets there and gets us there. I think perhaps you need to cut this down, minimalise it into the essential essence of what you think is the essence of you, and in doing so this will become a nice place for us all of to look into too.
 — syrossoul

-of
 — syrossoul

thanks syrossoul.
unfortunately, or not, i can't change any of it.
 — hank

nice conceit but i turns into don't judge until you've walked a mile for his camels kind of advertising. i don't want to remember rousseau. he's kind of long winded and preachy in the original. i'd rather remember peter orlovsky singing his simple songs and not telling us about the songs he likes to sing.
 — geckodrome

didn't know it did that, for you, gecko.
Rousseau was simply an image.
 — hank

in my head.
 — hank

humm, i think 'rousseau' is a kind of 'fish' in french. maybe you're channeling again.
 — geckodrome

yeah, maybe.
 — hank

well, if you are, then, green to green and red to...
 — geckodrome

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