poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Free Spirit
faith

Contemplating through my open window,
 1
I gape at open seas,
 2
i descry the life i could have lived,
 3
The one i would've been.
 4
With light blue eyes,
 5
ascending through open skies,
 6
I see the light.
 7
 
 
Gleaming like a lemon-shined donut,
 8
drenched in atmospheric shine,
 9
i approach the light.
 10
Holding no denial in my steady beating heart,
 11
I soon forget.
 12
All my sins, my cries,
 13
they clear through the sky.
 14
My spirit fills the air, ever so unobstructed.
 15
 
 
I am free.
 16

1 Mar 09

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God bless the one with nerve who wrote this piece here, with steady breathing heart ?  i am sure that you wrote this out of your heart.... keeping studying your work and work harder on this... do not stop writing i have been told...
writing is a craft and skill working itself into art. art is when the reader see things as you see them not just hearing what you say about them... borrowed...j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

Nik, It's Rich.  These are really very good and you should be proud that you wrote them.  There are many adults who can't write this well.
 — unknown

I would change the first line immediately.  Contemplating out my aperture is just too misleading - it could mean 'talking out my ass,' pardon my frankness.  It does not inspire the reader to read on, neither does gape.  

Overall, although I know what you mean to present, it isn't strong enough.  You have to be there, in that place, before you can write it.  It isn't coming through strongly as a real place, in my opinion.  

Can you keep revising until the reader can see the image of freedom as clearly as you do?  It's worth the effort.
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the info, ill try to edit that.
 — faith

and thank you so much goeszon!!! :)
 — faith

i like poems on freedom. you wrote this just right.

at first, i was going to suggest making the first line shorter, moving some of the words to another line ... but after reading line fifteen, you realize such a suggestion isn't good.

nice work.
 — listen

I love you.. and I love the donut part.. Its nice c:
LOVE YOUR MUMMY
- Dutch
 — unknown

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