|For Love of Home
I sip coffee on the back steps
watching October’s sun
crest the tops of trees, as
chickadees dart here and there,
among the benevolent leaves.
I was born here
Red squirrel runs helter-skelter
along the stonewall,
bushy tail twitching—ever on alert,
while a phoebe performs
on a tattered clothesline.
I have lived here forever
Two crows—keen-eyed watchers
in conifer towers,
carry on a conversation, while
asters stand tall, with their thin,
purple petals puffed out
against a chilling breeze.
I will die here
A downy wings to the dark
recesses of a forest filled
with mystery and myth,
and here on weathered steps,
sipping coffee beneath October skies,
I find peace of mind.
Scatter my ashes in these winds
2 Mar 09
Rated 9 (7.4) by 4 users.
Active (4): 5, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 5, 10, 10, 10
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ONE thing to correct, otherwise absolutely perfect.
Line 16 - conifer has an i.
Thanks for finding that typo Isabelle.
rustic , peaceful , full of wit "Two crows-keen-eyed watchers" to make my black lab bark, this yarn "filled with mystery and myth", an eight spoked wheel "on weathered steps" eight stanzas, each spoked from the hub to the rim, perfectly... j.g.smiles
the wheel of dhamma!, nice write paul, elegantly placed and use of words, light and with nice aroma. good work
"hot coffee—preferably hazelnut."
Thanks goeszon, syrossoul and faith; for reading and for the commentts.
very well done, the alternating rhythms with birdflightct
, life, death, eternity. very well written with a keen eye for a natural scape. enjoyed this. i might delete "with a cup of hot coffee-preferably hazelnut" strictly for sonic purposes and go directly into line 28. otherwise, perfect. thanks.
Thanks for the comment Azzizz, I think I'll leave it as is for the time being. Welcome to PC.
Thanks for the 1, asshole--at least have the guts to leave a comment.
Small change in last stanza.
This is so beautiful. I'm obsessed with birds myself and am in the middle of writing something about that obsession. What is it about birds? I'm not a bird-watcher type or anything, they just make me very happy to look at.
Only tiny quibble in a poem that flows perfectly. Line 6 might read better without the "the".
Thakns smugzy, this is still a work in progress--especially the last stanza.
Hi Paul. Nice, nice. :-) I'm not a big fan of definite articles, as they tend to be the 'fat" of the poem, thus getting in the way of the "meat" of the poem. Read this w/o the "the's" in L's 9, 22 & 23. Also, "their" in L18 would be an added possessive pronoun you could probably do without. I would leave New Hampshire out of it, insert that somewhere in a footnote and just end with "winds." My opinion of course. A masterpiece in the making indeed. :-)
Thanks starr, I made some significant changes.
Hi Paul: I think you may have misunderstood what I was saying. What I'm saying is that the words "the," "a" and "an" can be the "fat" of the language. Read this again w/o using these words and see if you note the difference in the recitation. This is something I learned here in the past 3 years from some of my favorite teachers/coaches. If you don't like the way it sounds this way, then by all means, go with what your muse tells you. I think you may agree with me. Do this out loud and I'll up you from an 8 to a 9 for effort alone, my friend. Keep on keepin' on with this. Writing is most definitely a discipline (and a pain in the ass sometimes.) Take care. :-)
borrowed... writing is a craft and skill... working itself into art... art is when... you can make the reader... see things as you see them... not just hearing... what you say... about them. Scatter my ashes in these winds... j.g.smiles
Thanks starr. I think I'll let this sit as is for now; maybe work on the title.
goeszon, thanks for the revisit.
Here's what I'm trying to say, Paul-
Let's take a closer look at L's 15-17, 18-20 and 22-24 for example:
Two crows-keen-eyed watchers
in conifer towers,
carry on conversation, while
asters stand tall with thin,
purple petals puffed out
against chilling breeze.
I willl die here
A downy wings to dark recesses
of forest filled with
Just so you can the difference in sonics w/o the usuage of all those definite articles you're employing throught the strophes.
Nice weekend. :-)
p.s. I'm just waking up, so please 4give the poor syntax. Need coffee. :-O
Shortend title, switched some stanzas around and changed ending.
again, i find myself touched by the creatures of fur and feather, and the natural breeze that lifts this poem above the cans of rubbish piled upon these walls so often. you write of nice things, and in this piece i am introduced to something spiritual, and peaceful.
i am to say, however, that the coffee really irks me. as if this overused, trendy beverage has any meaning to me, and that it is made such an important part of the poem, disappoints me. meaning, the title and first line make me think the poem is going to be about friggin coffee; and a reason why i would normally not even bother reading the poem. (sorry, it's a personal opinion only).
so, might i add that although the poem is lovely, it's a little heavy on the moderators. namely "benevolent" leaves; "weathered" steps; "conifer" towers. there are more in the poem, which i feel are useful in creating imagery, but some of it gets tiring, for lack of a better word. lines 15-17 roll the roughest for me-- perhaps it would improve if it were a little less tongue tying. also, looking again, i think "deciduous" sounds nicer than "conifer".
my last annoying pick is that line 21 and 28 are separated. what a nice ending if they were joined.
nice poem, paul. =-)
Thanks jen; still a work in progress. I do love coffee though; three to four cups a day :)
Also, jen, I'm thinking about dropping coffee from the title :)
Took coffee out of title, still working on L 20.
Much, much better! :-) Upped this to a 10. You've worked so diligently on this in getting it to "sound" right and I believe you've succeeded. Good job!
Thanks starr, I'll probably still tweak it here and there.
Where did your pronouns go? Did you have them or did I remember wrong?
It's still good!
I did some trimming, Isabelle, with help from starr and jen.
Changes made--I think for the better.
I changed this back to the original version--for my peace of mind :)
Wow...you've put so much effort into this one, Paul. Looks, sounds, reads nicely still. :-)
Yay! Happy to see the pronouns back!
Thanks for the revisit starr, and yes,Isabelle, it's much better with the pronouns. thanks.
I read this, and was impressed. I love the juxtapositioning of the second voice .The language is realy well chosen, for sound and for rhythm, 'two crows - keen eyed watchers' is gorgeous. I sometimes include crows in my dog walking poetry, because they amuse me, and provoke me into watchfulness. I have read some of your others, and thoroughtly enjoyed. I like writing which feels easy, but is actually substantial, and thought provoking. thanks ani
Thanks crimsonkiss, I really appreciate your comments :)
i now see many more spokes in the wheel, and my labs still bark at those "keen-eye" watchers... the crows...j.g.smiles
Thanks for revisiting goeszon :)
Oh this is lovely! Tranquility goes nicely with my morning coffee. Thanks-nice work.
Thanks for the lovely comment sybarite :)