| summer will rebuild us
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shadowskiss
| I formed you | 1 |
(as we all do ) | 2 |
slowly, delicately | 3 |
in my mind | 4 |
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framed you | 5 |
with old pieces of birch | 6 |
found in my memory | 7 |
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I filled you, | 8 |
deftly | 9 |
with small thoughts | 10 |
malleable and warm | 11 |
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slid a few | 12 |
cold rigid ideas inside | 13 |
as a reminder | 14 |
that we can all be callous | 15 |
at times | 16 |
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last summer | 17 |
we were seamless | 18 |
stuck together | 19 |
hazy, in the heat | 20 |
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humid moments | 21 |
made it so easy to confuse | 22 |
my creation | 23 |
with your soul | 24 |
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but we're all ever changing | 25 |
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I'm | 26 |
frantically rebuilding | 27 |
reframing | 28 |
refilling | 29 |
my idea of you | 30 |
yearning | 31 |
for a perfect reflection | 32 |
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19 Mar 09 |
Rated 7.7 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 8, 9
Inactive (1): 6
(define the words in this poem)
(73 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
"Poetry is a handprint of the invisible, a footprint of the visible reality, following it like a shadow."
Ferlinghetti... line 19 hazy, in the heat... j.g.smiles
— goeszon
Thankyou, Ferlinghetti.
— shadowskiss
i really enjoyed this, however, the word "thoughtful" on line 22 struck me as out of place. i understand what you are saying but perhaps there is a better word. it seems to clash somewhat against the mood of the poem-- if you see what i mean
— endlesstrain
I know exactly what you mean, I hated thoughtful too , maybe thought filled creation? I can't think of anything better either!
— shadowskiss
wonderful little poem
dont like the title though. unless you have a bionic leg
thanks
— unknown
why not remove "thoughtful" entirely? - I think that works just fine.
-Za
— unknown
Lovely work--fresh air on a subject matter done to death in poetry--difficult to do and you've managed it extremely well. Kudos--impressed.
P.S.--what about wishful or wistful or some like word in place of thoughtful in L22?
— sybarite
Thanks very much unknown. Summer will reconstruct? Something like that? I'm realy not sure about the title...
Za! I removed the thoughtful completely and I like it SO much better. Thanks very much.
Sybarite, thanks very much for the lovely comment. I removed thoughtful entirely. Better?
Thanks again to everyone.
— shadowskiss
Nicely written shadowskiss. My only nit is punctuation--if you use puctuation you should use it throughout the poem, not just in spots, or don't use it at all.
— PaulS
Hey Paul! Thanks very much for reading. I always find myself on the fence with punctuation (it obviously shows here). I would generally say I'd rather go without, but then lines like, "slowly, delicately" get me, as I'd like to create a pause without punctuation or separating them into two different lines. Should I just trust the reader to do the separation while reading themselves, or should I go punctuation crazy on this?
Thanks again for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it.
— shadowskiss
The title of this poem appeals to me on such a personal level. It is so hopeful, warm, lovely. I'm not sure if the use of ( ) in L2 is effective, as it is the only instance of this in the text and I'm not convinced that line is so special that it deserves such aesthetic highlighting. Also, the adverbs in L3 are a little heavy on the tongue; perhaps revert them to verbs instead? This edit could also prove for interesting content that is in keeping with the current but overall more sophisticated and interesting. L6 is gorgeous, and truly begins to weave the sentiment of your title into the lines of the poem itself in an extremely subtle but wildly effective manner. L7's "memory" I am wary of; the term "memory" has evolved into somewhat of a poetic "Don't." In what other way can you imply "memory" artfully and uniquely without using that specific word? This is an revising opportunity to really showcase your command of language and/or possibly imagery and implication. Is L9 strong enough to stand alone? I'm not sure it is. However, Ls10-11 are lovely. I think you may be lacking a necessary comma in L13 - as is, I think this section reads faster than intended, as it flows much quicker than the rest of the text. I love love L15, but I think the trite, simple nature of L16 detracts of 15's worth. I do hope you decide to omit L16 - it is implied, and omitting such would be a poetically mature decision and magnify the mature choices you've already made throughout this text. Ls17-20 are great, really great; "stuck" gives me pause, as I wonder if the term isn't too easy?, but this stanza is awesome, along with the following; Ls21-24 are so strong in content. What unique ideas! I strongly suggest removing L25, as it is a bit on the cliche side and contradicts, in nature, the strong original lines that preceed it. Additionally, the final stanza spells out the ideas of L25; therefore, it is truly unnecessary. Love the final stanza.
My major revision suggestion would be to reconsider your line breaks. Words like "deftly," "at times," "I'm," and the many many gerund -ing verbs in the last stanza do not warrant their own lines - every line in a poem should be its own miniature poetic moment, in my opinion. What is you stance on the issue? You're making so many great choices in this text - perhaps carry that trait over into your analysis of your enjambment.
I'm truly enjoying reading your poetry on this site.
— WordsAndMe
WordsAndMe, thankyou so much for taking the time to read this as well as writing such an indepth critique. I really appreciate it. I have a long response for you mulling around in my mind but it is very late for me and so I will respond soon. I just wanted you to know I did read your thoughtful comment.
— shadowskiss
In terms of the sentiment and the way you've expressed it this works very well. It's quite subtle which I like. There are a couple of places it could be even more subtle and the meaning wouldn't be compromised.
Lines 21 -24 in particluar.
Not sure you need "made it so easy" in line 22
Maybe line 24 could just be "with you"?
Haven't got time to do this justice now. Will pop back when I return from my hols.
smugzy
— unknown
hello smudgzy I know its been forever, however. Any other criticaler out there as well. As for line 21 to 24. Do you mean to say I should simplify it to "humid moments made me confuse my creation with you" ? Thanks for the comments and taking your time to read the poem. :)
— shadowskiss
nice poem
— varun
Thanks very much Varun.
— shadowskiss
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