|There Used to be Daisies Here (revised)
there used to be daisies
we'd crush them
as fierce as dandelions grew
tenacious, we rooted
you would think I'd remember the moment
we stopped talking to each other
silence we threw at each other
tension so brittle
a sigh could beget
clouds gathered in eyes
you thundered and raged
I howled and poured
...sheets of tears
drenched in misery
we were wretched to each other
in the chill aftermath
bereft in the wreckage
of faith turned fallow
wondering where the daisies went...
30 Mar 09
Rated 8.4 (8.6) by 10 users.
Active (10): 8, 8, 10
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"A sunflower maddened with light sheds the seeds of poems" the Ferlinghetti times one j.g. smiles "pretty hot stuff"
This was a good read, particularly suited for my present mood. Well constructed, emotive writing.
|21-24 are my favorites. Thanks.
yes, you've captured broken romanticism with a deft trick of the pen in which we realEYEsed seasons ( like love ) change 'n end -- a poets write in which we share your pain and look 'n look 'n dare to see, the dramas of humanity -- well writ with insight in it
Thank you AlchemiA.
8 and 9 and 25 seem unnecessary
22 rained? you rained?
l30 i thought at first "well didnt the daisies get crushed by the making love?" dont we know exactly where the daisies went? they got crushed?
demented garden -- uh, well, it doesnt seem very nice to let me know that we are supposed to be in a garden until the very end of the poem. it seems as though the writer had it in their mind the whole time, but neglected to mention this very concrete image -with an abstract touch- until it was too late. the entire garden thing needs more attention paid to it throughout the poem, else it smacks of "throwin it in", which does not help.
i certainly liked some of the comparisons, such as the storm/thunder/howl and the 12-18
chuckle_s, thanks for the feedback--will take your suggestions under consideration.
.....I love daisies
Wow... this really blew me away. I couldn't have said it better!
l31-32 sent shivers through me, i love the flow of this, so easy and well built, a wonderful piece, a new favorite for sure
9 is borderline corny
10 should be you'd or you would
25, consider were instead of got
29, consider shivers or it shivers
31 I think is unneeded, or at least the word myself, and I think demented in 32 could be cut
24 is a great line but I don't think it flows well in summation, and I can see your intention but can you attack it from a different angle?
otherwise I love it, everything is poignant, it's set where I've been and where many of us have been, the form and the grammar match the intention and set the pace of reading, and I do tend to overcritique, but all in all this is very good. If I could change one thing it would be the last 3 lines;
"wondering where the daisies went...
in this garden, where nothing can grow."
Thank you everyone for the feedback--much appreciated. Will take all suggestions under consideration.
I've made some changes and re-posted as revised. Would like to know what you think. Thanks.
this made me beat my girlfriend
just so i could see us grow
Love flowers in isolation, in secrecy, in loneliness. All the love poetry in the world came from the loneliness of the lover. Now they were not ecstatic songs sung by carpenters. They were songs of loneliness expressing the anguish of separation. "Let my loneliness cover me," says one ghazal [Persian Poetry]. "It is my only companion."
Did you remove the revised version? I can't find it!! I do prefer lines 5-9 to the lines you had in the other version about digging a hole etc (although I can't quite remember them...)
But I really liked the ending in your other version.
Thanks again for the feedback smugzy
--I've self-bumped the revised version. I think I like this version up to the ending, and the revised version ending--perhaps I should simply re-post a combined version of the two?
--combined draft of the previous two versions posted. Let me know what you think, thanks!
perhaps this ends best at line 27 as the last two follow by inference -- hearing it as an echo of eden where that first green is golden, when the daisies were
AlchemiA--thanks for the feedback and I think you might be right. Something with the last 2 lines wasn't sitting well with me either and maybe that's it--they just shouldn't be there.
Edited, thank you!
something still not right and/or missing in the transition to the last stanza.....Help!!
1 to 8 is a little gem with clear reflections -- "you thundered and raged, I howled and poured" is an awesome rendering of the battle of the sexes -- I feel the end is well done as its bookended from beginning to end
l22 to 23 could be tellin' -- as you're pouring miseries we know you've been wretched with each other
clouds gathered in eyes
a storm broke the silence
you thundered and raged
I howled and poured
??? then your allusion to natures storms follows through to the last strophe in the still aftermath
I'll have to think about your last suggestion. I'm kind of fond of L24 even though it's inferred in the four lines above it. I see what you're saying and will ponder things a bit.
Thanks again--your comments are much appreciated.
great. All emotion , and lovingly turned into poetry. Life eh?
Thank you crimsonkiss, and yes--life--but what would we have to write of if it were painless....?
Never have I looked at, or longed for daisy's more. This is a fantastic write.
Thank you Palehorse--much appreciated!
What I wouldn't give to write like this! Most of us have been here, but few of us could put it to words like you have here. Excellent work.
Thank you PaulS--appreciated.
Had to come back and read this again--can;t get over how damn good it is.
High praise--thank you again PaulS--gratitude.
I like your poem - its form and flow works and the meaning is clear. I'd like to make some comments (which of course may be superfluous considering this is already very good) but here are my thoughts nonetheless:
Technomancer noted that L9 should have a "you would or you'd" and I'd have to agree - it trips me up there. Not sure about each other X2 but not a big hang up.
I don't like suggesting word changes but your movement to this point in the poem is building in a quiet and tense way and when I get to a storm "broke the silence" I'm a little deflated by the cliche. I think it could be more strongly linked to your previous lines by using something like - "a storm opened" reversing the image of a closed door (or another word/phrase that doesn't use silence again but captures your intent more subtly).
I wasn't sure about bereft in L26 (an adjective that reads like a verb?) Is the meaning accurate?
He loves me , he loves me no more. I love daises and the your use of them in this poem.
grew tangled...(my favorite line and such a perfect fit with rooted and memory).
Thank you for the detailed critique--very much appreciated.
Thanks for pointing out L9 again--I had corrected that in a previous edit and obviously overlooked it in future edits. Both you and Technomancer were right about that line.
I removed the first "each other"--hadn't even noticed the repeat--thanks for the sharp eye on that.
I've also changed L19 to (hopefully) avoid the cliche you pointed out.
Again, very much appreciate the critique and suggestions for improvement.
Nice choice in the work "squalls" - with its double meaning!
thanks for coming back to read the changes--appreciated
Big group hug for the unknown "one"--cause ya need it!
unimpressive group of rather predictable, unimaginatively arranged words, all the rain and thunder metaphors, all the chilly aftermaths, all the lazy built walls of emotional insecurities and turmoils. this was painful to read.
...and all said without the integrity to post your name...coward.
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