poetry critical

online poetry workshop


the blows
desert hear
volcano cones--
making stains
Mike Hendershot 2009

19 May 09

Rated 8.2 (8.6) by 11 users.
Active (11): 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
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'volcano cones push' is a nice image and this ties itself into an emblem well. it's poetetic in its motion, because it makes the mind translate while reading. that's 'art'.
 — trashpoodle

darkly is an over affectation to the imagery, you could easily drop the ly at end of dark, and make this step better in the narrative..

not a bad read..
 — Feminoid

thanks for your comments i made a change you suggested and it looks ,works better..
 — ambiguos

oof, just as a counter suggestion, the poetry move was to make 'darkly' the forcing move into another space. it may be that this can be read as linear, but it's much better as a three-dimensional poem, in what seemed to be the way you actually heard it.
 — trashpoodle

oof, i see your point in spelling it this way, darkly, it gives more meaning as a the area was dark because of the explosion and flow outward of magma and therefore push, sand, darkly in motion... point well taken, trashpodle..
 — ambiguos

hahahahahaha!  very fuhney, you comic genius.
 — unknown

thanks for your comment unk  he-he-he : )   i was the class cut up which cost me dearly come grade time, an i lost out on general education except for a few things i learn from standing in the hall... i wish i would have stay out of the hall for English which i could use here greatly ... of course i excelled in p.e. chasing the girls which paid of later... thanks
 — ambiguos

Is blows for the desert?  If so, you might need hears, not hear, to match the plural blows.  I like the volcano cones but I've never seen one in the desert.  Dark and darkly both work, in my opinion.  You can read it as being mostly with the sands OR mostly with the stains.

push sand darkly


darkly making stains.

I enjoy lines that can fit more than one way.  
 — Isabelle5

yes blows is for the desert, in the high desert where i live the wind blows so it came out that way just a short piece, at one time the desert did hear the volcano push it's fingers thru the sand and make a black dark mess... these were only cones as they called them , they are real and near the Barstow area they are worth seeing.. thank you very much for your interest and comments... i will answer more questions if needed.
 — ambiguos

CA desert?  No idea, I might need to go visit and see the visuals of what gave you this poem.  Thanks for answering!  
 — Isabelle5

i wholly disagree with the darkly suggestion, it really doesn't force the central narrative around this at all, just distracts form it - which isnt the word darkly at all but the word 'push' .. the rest is affectation around the force, the action, the animation of 'push'..

the internal 'oof' of push is diminished by darkly .. as it saps the force of it into form too delicate for the power of the poem .. Poodle offered you misdirection in his counter..
 — Feminoid

making stains

has the epic quality of the action implied in this piece..
 — Feminoid

Both Opinons, no one is correct but the poet.  Stop fighting on someone's poem.  
 — Isabelle5

true .. opinions are just that  .. opinions ..
 — Feminoid

the more i look at it i could have done it a few ways, by leaving out words or adding words when i laid down on the floor to write, this is what came out, i did not realize the different ways i could have done it and now i am surprise at the ways it could be done... i hope i will think more about writing later the ways it can be done without ruining the thoughts at the time, thanks again for all the interest...
 — ambiguos

Translingual Information Detection, Extraction, and Summarization of this vague inchoate idea would cause the computer to fracture into stained-glass shards -- here your 'lil imagism piece gathers, regurgitates, surges some underground urges darkly making stains -- I'd like more than less I confess, to manage a form in this formless write, nevertheless an interesting piece with your name making it relevantly ambiguous
 — AlchemiA

You could do your own 'variations' on this, show us some of the different ways.  Isn't it fun to go back and see your work with freshness?
 — Isabelle5

"Translingual Information Detection, Extraction, and Summarization" ... just sent a shuddery thrill down my spine ;)
 — Feminoid

Well, for someone who can build her own robot....!  
 — Isabelle5

oh, only small servo driven automaton, with a base of 20 or so programmed response sets. like an insect, walking, reacting, applying response through sensory visual devices...

.. you'd have to talk to the rest of the team, and then about 20 other teams to get a fully working 'human' robot :)
 — Feminoid

alchemiA... so interesting, entertaining... underground urges darkly making stains, perfect realization... relevantly ambiguos,  as i spell it, who other could have known... you girls are crazy, i love you all...
 — ambiguos

i go for 'darkly'.

today, i learned,
that 7 was also magikal.

anything can be.
; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks Fractalcore, it is an honor... i must check out magikal... i voted for darkly too cause that is what came from my brian at the time, it seems right, sounds right, and works right, thanks for your notice...
 — ambiguos

Nice image here ambiguos, with a nicely done format.  You could put a dash after cones, or not--very well done.
 — PaulS

PaulS... thanks for your observation these things when needed are always welcome especially from a war horse like you, plus it brings it to attention once again to the public here at p/c... thanks again
 — ambiguos

Dark or darkly either way a good poem
 — Redlander

I understand.... this whole thing about a word seems blown up a tad, I suppose though if a word were change in Declaration of Independence it might have caused an uproar, this piece was nothing close, thanks Redlander for your interest and support of this simple piece...
 — ambiguos

this blows
 — Liliana

Everyone is entitled to there fine comments...
 — ambiguos

Good read
 — frugal

Fugal... Thank you for "Your" read, those comments are always enjoyed !
 — ambiguos

Nice concise imagery, different from your Bicycle Shop poem, I like this one too.
 — BxPR

thank you BxPR for your comments on both pieces...
 — ambiguos

Cool short poem.  Nice and concise.
 — JKWeb

JKWeb... doing this poem was by accident an I never thought anyone would enjoy it... the title was fun to come along with this was some of my early stuff... thanks for your interest in Push may it  continue to make stains... this was a real place here in California, which means hot-furnace... for those who care here...
 — ambiguos

Hm, I like it.
 — andyleggett

Thanks Andy !wish you were still around... j.g. smiles
 — ambiguos

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 — apple3580