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Collateral Damage
RfrancisR

George Bush!
 1
 
 
I’d like to pin open his eyes
 2
like Alex in A Clockwork Orange
 3
make him focus
 4
every charred child
 5
every mourning mother,
 6
every purple-blood soaked brother
 7
sprawled on the streets of Falluja,
 8
every warped, melted,
 9
broken piece of iron,
 10
every street covered
 11
shattered black burnt glass
 12
in Ramadi or Mosul,
 13
every shrapnel torn innocent
 14
shredded in a million
 15
pieces of flesh
 16
and kidney, and intestine,
 17
and brain, and lung, and heart,
 18
splattered on the walls,
 19
the doors, the windows---
 20
another extirpated life ---
 21
the ashened earth,
 22
even in his Green Zone.
 23
 
 
And bind his hands
 24
behind his back
 25
so he can’t cover his ears,
 26
and make him listen
 27
the canon thunderclaps,
 28
the whistling projectiles,
 29
the screeching,
 30
the helpless babe
 31
yanking his bloodied,
 32
smashed, decapitated,
 33
immovable mother's
 34
corpse, and all the screaming
 35
and crying and
 36
grief stricken howls
 37
from elongated
 38
contorted naked faces
 39
of families un-made
 40
by another artillery shell blast,
 41
another trigger happy soldier
 42
or another laser guided,
 43
GPS guided, mis-guided
 44
“smart” bomb off target.
 45
 
 
Make him vomit to Beethoven.
 46

2 Jun 09

Rated 9.3 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (1): 9

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Comments:

i think that rather than come out and say

Alex in Clockwork Orange

which requires the reader to have specific knowledge, mostly of the film
it would benefit the writing to simply give an insider's text of what you mean
which requires the same knowledge, but will generate a more powerful effect

I'd like to pin open his eyes
"Viddie well!"
make him focus...

see what i mean?
 — unknown

This is honest, heart-wrenching, up-to-the-minute, angry and well written.  What more can I say?
 — Isabelle5

unknown -- good idea. I will consider it.
 — RfrancisR

Thanks isabelle
 — RfrancisR

an expulsion with
out

lyricism
 — unknown

Naked, raw and true - maybe newpaper articles should be written this way to shake to sleep out of our eyes and the cobwebs from the collective apathy that surrounds not just the one man. I love this kind of diatribe that can express so eloquently the rage behind the injustices imposed by such hegemony.
Well done and many many intense and important images.
 — Cocoa

I thought the "Alex' line was essential, brilliant in this spot.  
 — Isabelle5

Right on, brotha!  You nailed THIS one.  Just a couple of small things I noticed:  L13 has "ash"
and L23 has "ashened."  What I might suggest for sonic's sake is to remove L13 completely where in L12, we already have the shattered, black, burnt... (ashes.)  Also, the "un" in "unmovable" in L33 seems off to me.  Maybe IMmovable?  Funny how all of these things I'm noticing are in L's that end in the number 3.  LOL.  L's 13, 23 and 33.  Hmmm...things happen in 3's, y'know.  Great, kick-ass, in your grillpiece poem, Bobby!  :-)
 — starr

This reminds me of my "Republican('t)" poem.  Yours says so much more though.  :-)
 — starr

thanks starr,

I took your advice. I really appreciate the compliment on this, because I really appreciate your poetry. I have something a bit softer and gentler to add over here, but I have reached my limit for the week.
 — RfrancisR

Wow!  No beating around the bush here!  Ha ha, sorry, couldn't help myself.  This is good, good, REALLY good, in your face poetry you have written here RfrancisR.  I've written about this damn war, but nowhere near as well as this.
PaulS
 — unknown

I was so jacked by this I forgot to log in!
 — PaulS

Thanks a lot unknown!
 — RfrancisR

Thanks paul. I am flattered.
 — RfrancisR

both the book, and the kubrick film, were titled
"A Clockwork Orange"
it (the film) continues to be one of my favourite films, and to see its title burped out in this ham-handed manner tells me something about the author. as a coincidence, i note that the poem seems to be a slam against an individual - on the basis of violence for which they should apparently be held accountable - yet starts out by relating a desire to do something violent to that person, and makes allusion to one of the most violent non-horror films of the time. funny.

after seeing the reviews you've received, i wonder if the penultimate line is some type of clever note on holding back a flood of material items, or whether the poem was not read very carefully.

opening the poem with

George Bush!

is an immediate political polarization, which tells me that 'here we go, another OPINION poem'. that is fine, if the poem that follows would deliver its opinion/editorial in a fresh way.
it doesn't.
in all, the piece comprises a couple of run-on sentences, poorly punctuated. i might suggest that this is indicative of a rant, and the poem may benefit from the removal of all of the punctuation; or not, this is a matter of personal preference, by times.

please note how often certain words recur throughout the poem.
every charred
every mourning
every purple
every warped
every street
every shrapnel
and kidney
and intestine
and brain
and lung
and heart
and bind
and make
and all
and crying
and grief
almost as well to title the poem 'and every'!
after reading a few times, it is obvious that the poem is really just listing a bunch of things the author finds less than tasteful. i really find no personal touch in this, any further than one might find in any of a million such 'political lobbylist' poems.
better to relate something of ones self, in poetry, than just a spittle-infused angry letter to the editor. in my opinion.
good luck.
 — unknown

I like this poem - alot - but  I think unk makes some valuable points. I like coming back to the poems that intrigue me to learn from the good critiques that are occasionally posted (hoping that learning to critique well will make me a better writer!) I think the voice is clear and the point of view is obvious. It's clearly an emotional rant which heavily condemns conflict. But it is one dimensional. It doesn't capture the complexity of why or how humans can kill so callously. There's no internal conflict in the poem, which could really bring this poem to whole new level, seeing as it's such an obvious rant against conflict in the first place (hitting on the hypocrisy of it all). Maybe there's a bit of that with the reference to The Clockwork Orange as unk suggested.
I'm thinking that it almost needs some perspective that holds not just one man responsible - what about the democratic nation that brought him into office - with whom does the responsibility really lie?
Could there be a more subtle deeper meaning to the rant - for example - the purported reason for going to war (oil? terrorism? economy of war?)
Finally - it occurred to me that the first half of the poem graphically ensures that the reader is keyed up for some pretty intense images (eyes pinned open) and you paint those images well.
The second half leads us to a different sense of hearing - might you bring more "sound" to this part to bring out the prepped entry into this stanza.
I like this poem - which is why I'm trying to spend more time with it - so I hope I don't offend you as I use your writing to dig deeper. :>)
 — Cocoa

what for?

really. what the fuk for?
 — unknown

Really. Dig deep - or just creep (around in the dark) with a desultory tale between your legs.
 — Cocoa

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