|The Pigeons in Congress Square
for another flurry
from the next
when careless feet
of city drifters
cause them to scatter
23 Jun 09
Rated 9 (6.9) by 4 users.
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 6, 6, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Don't know if you're up to change this at all. I'd change lines 6-7 to "I bring them bread." The title already tells us they are pigeons/birds.
Line 8 - sustain means to keep something going. You need that to say stave off or something to show you are helping reduce their hunger, not keep it going.
Line 14 - do you need to before scatter? "...cause them to scatter."
I like the gentleness throughout, just think some change is necessary to make this right.
Isabelle, thanks. I wasn't fully awake when I posted this. :-)
Way too go, Starr! Cute pix too!
this is the sort of poem i would have like to have read while the same sort of thing was happening as i read it. like when i saw some pigeons in london or something.
but when it comes to pigeons your "high coo" piece takes the cake. so, indeed, maybe boring is apt.
Lovely simplicity. The middle photo--one sees the joy you receive from your flock. I should think they help you start each day with a smile....wonderful.
Whoa, this is getting better and better! Nice revisions, Starr.
Thanks, sybarite and Isabelle. Glad u like the pix, syb. Aren't they cute?! It's a blessing when ANY animal trusts the human touch. :-)
ahh starryman -- you flew me up and dropped me like a stone -- birds as metaphor for thoughts is an age-old method of Shamanism -- the birds we're first seen to be omens of air which we'd then prophecy, extrapolate if we'd dare -- then we kenw we we're all connected in serendipity by letting our thoughts fly or fall, like these poems we write with our all -- the surprisal of stone breaks through the glass -- nice
I love you, Alch! Thank you for your constant wisdom and loving, open spirit. :-)
I really like the changes you made...however, I was wondering if you could get away with excluding line/word 12 'stones'. It was like you couldn't decide which word you liked better (been there!) so you used both...actually, I might have done the same thing though I read it without 'stones' and it felt just as if not more effective without...nonetheless, I like...
Thanks, JK. Good catch there. It's not that I couldn't decide which word to use. For some reason, I just thought that they both would do the trick and they didn't. I concur and have made the change per your suggestion. Thanks again! Glad u like it! :-)
was the only decent part of the poem.
now there's nothing to redeem the poor thing. :-(
I think you could be right, Chuck. I just changed it back. I took another look at it and wasn't really feelin' the change. Thanks. :-)
I'm glad you put stones back, starr. Chuck was spot on with that assesment.
Thanks, Paul. I'm glad I did too. :-)
actually, now i re-read JKWeb's assessment,
i think he may be right about them stones.
....had to come back to peek at your photos again....*lol*...your pigeons are spreading joy....
Okay, I don't get the stones word at all. Pigeons scatter pebbles, seeds but stones?
Syb...glad u dig the pix. They are my babies! And unknown, what I'm saying is that they (as a flock) scatter like stones. The pigeons are not scattering anything; they scatter like stones (having been tossed up in the air;) that kind of thing. :-)
P.S. Terrific smile...yours...not the pigeons ;)
Still playin' around with this here and there. :-)
hmmmm.....I think I liked the previous ending.....Stones had weight to it....left us with something to carry in our pockets.....to contemplate....
Thanks, syb. Back to the original ending. :-)
: ) !!
I don't object to the stones, necessarily but maybe if it said, "like thoughts, like stones." The stones is out there alone on a line, making it look as if it's not connected, in my opinion. I don't think you need stones, it sounds finished at thoughts.
....I believe you posted a comment about not being able to please all the people all the time.....exactly what you don't like is exactly what I do like about "stones"
I love that it's just dropped there....the way thoughts sometimes drop in without connection to anything going on around us.....and how, at times, those thoughts are heavy.....like stones
Just that I feed wild Doves on my balcony and though they toss out the corn and anything else they don't like, I've never seen them toss stones. I could imagine using pebbles instead of stones but to me, stones is a larger image, something I can't imagine Doves/Pigeons moving. They all eat gravelly pebbles for their digestion, maybe I'm focusing too much on that. I LOVE the image of them scattering thoughts like seeds but not stones.
But it's not my poem!
I agree with sybarite about the inclusion of stones. I feel the stones have a direct connection to the careless feet of city drifters. The pigeons scatter like stones kicked absentmindedly.
Isabelle, I'm trying to make you understand this. Each bird looks like a stone (being tossed) when they take off. It has nothing to do with them spitting stones or pebbles. It's the vision of them all suddenly taking to the sky and (in my eyes) appearing like a bunch of stones being thrown. I also like syb's comparison to the thoughts being "heavy." That's something that comes through one's own interpretation of a poem. Very cool, syb! I never would have thought of that myself. Hope this helps. :-)
I'm going to shut up and just enjoy the poem, although I do think that you might consider putting the end like,
Paul, thanks (again.) Exactly. Isabelle, I'd definitely include the "like" before "stones" if it would add anything musically and/or sonically here. I DO appreciate your input/suggestions though. Sometimes, y'just gotta do what feels right to "you." We'll see what any others have to say too. :-)
i particularly find it telling
this 'can't please everyone' thing
how you rarely seem 'married' to your words, starr
a naked woman with a nuclear weapon would
stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting me to
change a single comma, let alone a whole word
most of the time
do you even care about the 'poems' you post?
....just checking...it's the same....I'm glad.... :)
Chuckle_s, thanks, but hypocrisy isn't my style. I changed "stones," then I DECIDED to put it back. And I've never professed to ever being "married" to my words; I'm merely just engaged with them. I'll wrestle with a poem long enough to ask for feedback and then if what I receive in feedback matches what I feel for the best of the poem, then I'll make a change. Otherwise, I just sit on it and let it write itself. Thoughts deserve freedom too, bud.
Thanks, syb 4 lookin' in on me. Nope. I like it this way and I'm keepin' it this way. Thanks to everyone who rode on pigeon wings with me on this one. They're beautiful creatures and deserve to be captured just right in words. :-)
Where did your "Wild Ghosts" poem go...?
Hey, syb. I took it down. I wasn't feelin' it. :-O
... : (
for the record.....I really liked it....
One touch of nature makes the whole world kin...
Troilus And Cressida Act 3 scene 3
The Bard of Avon...
Thanks, goeszon! Syb, it's back (in a revised, shorter version.)
Happy 4th, u guyz! :-)
A Nightingale Sang in Berkely Square
Pigeons from Da Block, meanie Ghetto birdz. How I adore !