| Summer Reign
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sybarite
| Cerulean skies leech the greens from spring. | 1 |
Halcyon under a Midas sun, | 2 |
saffron wheat fields ripple in sultry airs; | 3 |
pay homage to the reign of summer. | 4 |
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Indolent surf gently beckons. | 5 |
Beach-babies emerge in August rushes; | 6 |
erupt from the sand in bursts of color, | 7 |
glistening like jewels on burlap. | 8 |
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Melting pots steam and simmer. | 9 |
Steeping tensions almost boil over. | 10 |
Red hydrants uncapped release the pressure; | 11 |
street-corner oasis in asphalt deserts. | 12 |
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As the moon raises her silver against him, | 13 |
Sol exsanguinates in glorious rivers. | 14 |
Royal blood striates the horizon | 15 |
in crimson and umber pageantry. | 16 |
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We, his loyal minions | 17 |
seek haven in castles our own. | 18 |
Slumber off the honey mead of summer | 19 |
in the crisp of line-dried linens. | 20 |
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23 Jun 09 |
Rated 8.1 (8.1) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 1, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1):
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(57 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I remember this one...'twas the short-sweet poem that was begging for expansion...and you delivered its request in a weave of poetic silk...
could you get away with removing 'to' from line 10?
it felt like a slight speed bump on an otherwise smooth ride...nonetheless, nicely done...
— JKWeb
Very "colorful" poem. I like it :-)
— Redlander
L10 would then read: Over-heated and soon boil over--which is awkward don't you think. I'm not entirely happy with this line myself.
what about: Over-heated, about to boil over?
Thanks so much for coming back to read this lengthier version, appreciate the comments and pleased that you like it.
— sybarite
L10 changed--any better?
— sybarite
very good re-write.
— DeformedLion
Ah yes-
line 10, much better...
— JKWeb
Thank you Redlander and DeformedLion.
JKWeb--thanks for coming back again--gratitude.
— sybarite
Every single line is perfect, except for that And in line 17.
— Isabelle5
Thanks for reading and liking Isabelle--the offending "And" is gone--I didn't like it much either but the line seemed too short or something--maybe it still is?
Oh, should there be a comma after we?
— sybarite
.....in keeping with the color references throughout--would it be too much or too obscure a reference to change L17 to: We his terra-cotta soldiers (or minions or army)..?
— sybarite
cerulean halcyon midas these words just scream
WELCOME TO THE FANCY FACTORY WE HAVE A POEM COMING OFF THE CONVEYOR BELT RIGHT NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ IT?
nice poem.
— chuckle_s
I'm not sure how to take your comment chuckle_s?
The "fancy factory" comment seems in opposition to the "nice poem" one...?
— sybarite
" because it defies our narrative expectations that have been pounded into our brains by the school system. Obviously, it is not meant to make sense. It is a collage. It is the deliberate destruction of meaning and an attack on any attempt to analyze it using traditional literary methods."
DOES THIS SATISFY YOU
— chuckle_s
um thanks.....I think....
— sybarite
I've read but did not comment -- you metasense stirring passions with Sun rise -- your words echo the Romantics with their Renaissance eyes that dare to see, Beauty -- the genuflect in l3 seems clunky to me while the rest of your descriptors flow so smooth -- your painters pen whirls with colour, like a garden full bloom with flower -- tight Sybyl-write
— AlchemiA
Many thanks, AlchemiA for reading and leaving encouraging comments.
Perhaps the more simple "bow" to replace genuflect or possibly "yield" in keeping with the bounty of wheat a good summer will bring...?
Your thoughts?
— sybarite
bow is softer yet there is that undulating wave which grasslands do when winded into play, how would you say that remarkable image?
— AlchemiA
ahhh......that would be "ripple".......
~gratitude~
— sybarite
Yes, comma after we. We, his loyal minions, seek haven in castles of our own, slumber off the honey, etc. LOVE the 'crisp of line-dried linens!
— Isabelle5
Much thanks for your assistance JkWeb, AlchemiA, and Isabelle.
I struggled for hours with this write--probably upwards of 30....I knew it was there...
Thank you for helping to make it better.
— sybarite
:)
— unknown
thoughts:
pretty words.
cerulean should be banned from poetry.
halcyon, too.
why is the surf indolent? seems an oxymoron.
burlap. nice.
why almost boil over? why not boil over?
i want to hear more about the oasis. what is it?
striates. nice.
pageantry, blah.
crimson should join cerulean.
crisp, nice touch.
keep writing. not scored. this isn't finished. pull it back a bit. write more with less.
— noodleman
Yay! Your summer has reigned over my pigeons! How DARE YOU!!! LOL! I LOVE your writing in this one, Syb. It's so tender and colorful, but more than that, it's accessible; I can see it AND feel it simultaneously. Bravissimo! \"10.\"
— starr
Thanks for the feedback noodleman.
I'll consider some changes but I have a couple of questions.
This "say more with less" -- I see comments like that sprinkled about many a poem here. Could you, perhaps, using a line or stanza of this piece, demonstrate this "more with less"?--I'm never entirely sure what the commenter is alluding to with that reference.
I like your idea of expanding on the "oasis" but again, not sure how to do that without loosing the form in this. I deliberately chose to write 4 line stanzas so I'm not sure how I could expand that stanza without having to expand the rest of them as well....which puts me back in the "more" instead of "less" dilemma.
~gratitude for the constructive critique.
— sybarite
starr
Bunches of hugs for you! Thank you for your lovely comment. I think your pigeons should be trumping my summer reign. I read your poem and peek at the pigeon pics every morning -- both put a smile on my face which is always an excellent beginning to any day.
Your enthusiastic comment is much appreciated. Your pigeons and your smile bring joy!
— sybarite
noodleman--missed this in the first response...indolent, as in lazy, summer surf is generally a gentler surf...I don't see an oxymoron in that....
— sybarite
:-), syb. Your poem is beautiful! xoxo!
— starr
hi
i interpreted indolent as impudently lazy. i cant imagine an indolent anything beckoning. maybe glowering.
i prolly would have gone with langorous or some such. i understand.
more with less was, in this case, addressed towards some of the language. i write this way sometimes, and i always find on later reflection that it feels self-conscious. that i need to prove i am a poet by knowing what cerulean is. or, see my latest. frondescent. we all get over the top sometimes. id pull back on the adjectives a bit. were i you.
i dunno. just love the oasis metaphor. it could be its own poem. like it.
i was remiss in pointing out the strophes that are perfect, in particular the last. just beautiful.
— noodleman
my mother used to tell me that good writing is a process of murdering your darlings. you have a lot of darlings here.
too many notes. (see amadeus)
namaste
— noodleman
Noodleman
Many thanks for the additional feedback--I better understand your previously comment now. I like the oasis metaphor as well. I think it might be my favorite part of this write. Perhaps I shall see if it will write itself into its own little poem....
~gratitude
— sybarite
drenched with description. I love it.
— Anachocolata
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10 as of 7/30 9pm
— BxPR
#6 9:13 pm
— BxPR
BxPR--what's with the numbers??
— sybarite
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