poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Innocence in Pale Green
Isabelle5

On the other side of the ocean,
 1
where the tide is tipsy,
 2
naked women run.
 3
 
 
Palm fronds span
 4
a man-sized hand.
 5
 
 
Blue diamonds
 6
with fang-slither
 7
shine in the heat.
 8
 
 
Summer never ends;
 9
the water is perfumed with tansy,
 10
liquor drips from feminine spigots
 11
 
 
and men bend their knees to drink.
 12

30 Jun 09

Rated 9 (7.9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 2, 3, 4, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(501 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Dig it, love the imagery.
 — PaleHorse

i liked this.  might i say though that i think line 3 is ill-placed.  naked women run is just a silly line anyway in my opinion, but if you insist on it, i think it would work better after line 5.  

it's trying sometimes when a poem lists off what everything is 'doing'.
it starts out real nice with the two lines, then lists off a bunch of (yes nicely descripted) observations.  it's like a documentary.

i liked it, don't get me wrong,
just find things like this lack any depth or feeling.

the title seems lost.  
nice poem though.
 — jenakajoffer

you had me at "naked women" and then they dissapeared and i was sad.
 — DeformedLion

ok, no, i re-read...and love it.

you build this up perfectly, such that each succesive image builds into itself, into the poem, like foundation over foundation and we don't get high and are thus safe from falling off. this is well layered that way.

the final image is a keeper. beautiful and real, and yet...not. quite the colourful piece you have with this one.
 — DeformedLion

Naked women isn't silly, only the image of it in your head.  Think of tropical places untouched by modern things, a gloriously natural state for the people grown up there.  You have to read the whole thing as a whole, the way nature is.
 — unknown

I, too like this little poement...the naked women line is what drew me in...the rest of the poem kept me there until the final genuflect sip...good one !
 — JKWeb

Final genuflect sip!  Good one!
 — unknown

Yup, yup, yup :)
 — JKWeb

I re-read ...makes me want to read other poems by this mysterious unknown...
 — JKWeb

You have.  
 — unknown

Well then, it won't do me any good to guess as you wish to remain on the down-low...I understand...either way, me likes...
 — JKWeb

no, naked women run is silly
but not only that, i think it's also uninventive
and possibly even sexist
not that i fuckin care much about that
but really, only the men and children wear clothing?
what is this, a spin on the blue lagoon?
 — jenakajoffer

wicked.
 — Anachocolata

uh-oh...is this another nature scene of yours that i have failed to attend?
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

  In my opinion, this is a wonderfully written satirical poem—how men would perceive a perfect world if they had their way—but in the end, they are still on bended knees to the woman—who has provided their sustenance since the beginning of time.
I have a good idea who wrote this and hope he/she comes forward to take credit for this creative piece of work.
 — PaulS

Hi, Paul.  Yes, I was locked in a closet, now free.  haha
 — Isabelle5

i, too am a fan of the naked women. definitely some sexy undertones to this piece.

although i hear what jenakajoffer is saying, i like trying to stretch language to enliven the capabilities of "things" and what they "do." i like when simple objects take elaborate description.

good write.
 — nemissk8

Well, Paul, since you read this, it got hit with a 2 and a 3, just to bring it down, no other reason.  
 — Isabelle5

If you are new here, I'm a lamppost.  If you were new here, you would know nothing about me and certainly would not consider me as someone looking for entitlement.  You are a poser and a liar, simple as that.  

You don't say a thing real about the poems, only toss personal attacks.  Loser, you're so transparent.
 — Isabelle5

To begin: This poem makes me want to be on the other side of the ocean! (I've always been quite the ocean loving, tipsy, naked girl.)
The use of "spigots" is so great! I love seeing words really working in poetry that I'd never suspect to do so - so fantastic!

These images are gorgeous, clear and oddly (or inherently) sexual in nature. So simple, yet so spectacular.
 — WordsAndMe

you dont need the word female in 11. it's clumsy. else, perfect.
 — noodleman

i love this, it's like a dog egg on the easter of my lawn mowing season.
 — unknown

Female sexism or a play on mens fantasies. Both
 — unknown

LOL haaaa
 — unknown

lily putas . . . . spigot is hilarious. i should think you might want to develop some stuff more? maybe? would be fun? like say have the running women -- hurdling? ooh la la, le spreading spigot limonade parade . . .
 — unknown

As it turns out oceans have multiple sides, the other side always being dependant upon the observers peculiar geography. There are no naked women dances on the other side of my ocean, therefore I, as reader am immediately lost.

Tangentially, I would very much like to know where women run naked.

More contextually, I always welcome the opportunity to drink from the female spigot. Unfortunately, evolution and my own fused cervical vertabrae make this particular position impossible with traditionalsize dolls. Fortuneatly, I have discovered my soul mate with a 42 inch inseam and outer labia that equal the expanse of Dumbo's ears, and I am eternally grateful.
 — unknown

This poem is GREAT!  I must admit... I had to look up the word TANSY.
It is a type of fern... GOOD STUFF!!!
 — aforbing

Reads like a calm rask  poem. Uncanny.
 — unknown

excellent imagery
 — useine

  
Sorry. This is a pretty silly little ditty.
I live on a tropical island. The women do not run around naked.
Give me a goddamn break.
 — unknown

http://www.cdfpr s.fr  maillot bayern 2018
http://www.m inihummer.fr  maillot de foot pas cher
http://www .crl-bretagne.fr  maillot pas cher
http ://www.chalet-des-mousses.fr  maillot psg pas cher
http://ww w.tsafermetures.fr  maillot de foot psg
http://www.k ellygreen.fr  maillot de foot pas cher 2018
http://www.ov erquick.fr  maillot foot pas cher
h ttp://www.pressing-de-la-comete.fr  maillot atletico madrid 2018
http://www.internationalartconsultants.fr  maillot griezmann
htt p://www.aubergebourbonnaise.fr  maillot neymar psg
h ttp://www.paschermaillotsdefoot.fr  maillot de foot enfant
http://www .tangocharlie.fr  maillot foot enfant
https://www.ae difis.fr  maillot paris 2018
http://www.cdrp8 3.fr  maillot de foot pas cher
http://www. uscompiegne.fr  Maillot Foot Pas Cher
 — unknown

0.345s