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snow joke
SkaaDee

winter crosses its arms,
 1
leans on the dining room table
 2
and toys with its Lego city.
 3
 
 
no one told me the wood pile
 4
should be closer to the back door.
 5
 
 
waist deep; buckets of wood,
 6
I feel I'm dragging the fallen;
 7
this foe is defeated
 8
one deep step at a time.
 9
 
 
I hear that Britain got a foot of snow today
 10
but I offer no smug Canadian snicker;
 11
no frosted laugh. seasons are war
 12
and winters; sieges to the unprepared.
 13
 
 
but I do chuckle
 14
at being able to finally reach
 15
the stranded apples
 16
autumn left for dead.
 17

30 Jun 09

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Comments:

there are parts of this i really enjoyed.
i really liked the whole winter thing, and the canadian snicker.
i love the ending as well, but for the word 'stranded'.  
would you consider its removal?

now, saying Lego city just completely destroys this.  what has lego got to do with this?  i'm all about lego, don't get me started, but this just seems gimmicky here.
for the title, i supposed it works.  but i see it more of a snow globe.
i almost wrote 'glob' by accident, funny. =-)

i am not sure how to visualize winter leaning its arms on the table
and toying with the city.  of lego...

lines 7-9 sort of blur my senses.  sort of mediocre, sort of not concrete enough.  or something.
why don't you laugh at britain's snow?  lines 12-13 don't help me with this stanza.  am i not reading this very well?  frosted laugh...hmm.
you pluralize a lot in your poems i've noticed.
i read all of them tonight.  just an observation.

beautiful ending, as i said.  so much in those apples.
thanks.
 — jenakajoffer

lego is cool. jen, shut up.

the lego is the best bit, all hail the lego!

lego. just saying it makes me giddy. lego.

...lego.

ok, nice poem. very seasonal, touches my toes.
 — DeformedLion

oh linus shutup.  you don't know anything.
if you did, you'd know that my life fucking revolves around lego.
i know everything about lego
and this poem doesn't deserve such a reference.

and that is what i meant in my comment.
 — jenakajoffer

no offense to anyone intended.
 — jenakajoffer

you have skewered yourself on your own feelings. but that is ok, so have i. evidently winter has been personified in this poem, i guess that is ok in the figurative where she might have a frosty touch and summer has a sunny smile but such embodiment leaves one skeptical when it is said to embody a child's pastime.

of course, who really knows the mind of winter? but that is the crux, nonetheless, winter has no mind only a biting wind which freezes my ass. when going off onto some intangential image you leave the reader in the perilous dark. so perilous, it is very perilious! ! !, and thus you run into problems like the one jofferthejen had...it is, well, rather pointless in the building of an overall image to be distorting it from the very beginning with "wrongness"...the reader is left in the wilderness.

the last stanza feels real. touchable. stick to what is.
 — DeformedLion

you don't need the word stranded.
reaching for something left for dead is enough.
it's clear as a bell, and it makes apples have so much more impact
without being told WHAT they are.
 — jenakajoffer

and as for lego, this poem has nothing to do with a child's pastime.
if it did, it would say so.  it's used for trend and nothing else.  there is no follow-up, no brick-a-block houses, no red or blue, no firetruck.

your first comment proves exactly my point.  you loved the lego reference and had nothing else to say about the poem.  the author used the attention word, and got a yay vote.  useless.
 — jenakajoffer

no, i just like the word 'lego'...but then looked at the poem a bit and decided to agree with what you were saying and trying to work out why...and, yes, it is probably because there is no follow up. no reason. no [french thingy i can't remember how to spell]...

but my reaction to the opening scene is to think of some Winter Kid sitting at a table and playing with lego...and thus: child's pastime- it is what i use to do (but with a sheet on the floor and a crate or two of the stuff) it is instinctive and clear. i can't help it, whereas, the metaphor or whatever it is may be designed for some other objective...
like the actual one where a whole actual city is reduced to scale. ok.
 — DeformedLion

i think the opening 'strophe is like letting the air out of the tyres before you have even begun to roll.

you are saying it is winter. ok, it is winter. the title says as much. lines 4 and 5 offer as much in the way of inference and take us straight to you. to the tangible present, to where we should be standing.

...enough about the beginning...

with "sieges" don't you think the "s" sound is coming on a bit strong, the way winters leads into it seems to nullify the identified pause with the semi- thus making it redundant....
 — DeformedLion

I'm proud to have stimulated this much grey matter.
Just the controverial use of the word Lego, is almost enough
to leave it in the poem, if only I did not esteem the finished product
above all.
:)

I'm thinking of trying this

winter crosses its arms,  
leans on the dining room table  
and tinkers.


...but I'm afraid there may be some tinkertoy
enthusiasts among us.

Jena, I would be glad to remove 'stranded' from the last stanza.
that was a late add on anyways.

Snow globe is a great title, thanks.
It has double meaning.
As does 'Snow Joke'  = " 's no joke " .

These comments have all been useful for rewrites.

thanks!

  
 — SkaaDee

seriously, don't use lego in this poem.
why is winter tinkering at the table?
this image is not clear, the first stanza is crap.  
i'd start with line 4 and work from there.
line 4/5 are wonderful lines.
 — jenakajoffer

how does one post a revision?
should I start a new thread?
 — SkaaDee

I think Jen may be right


winter crosses its arms,
leans on the dining room table
and toys with its snow globe.

no one told me the wood pile
should be closer to the door.

waist deep; buckets of wood,
I feel I'm dragging the fallen;
this foe is defeated
one deep step at a time.

I hear that Britain got a foot of snow today
but I offer no smug Canadian snicker;
no frosted laugh. seasons are war
and winters; a siege to the unprepared.

but I do chuckle
at being able to finally reach
the apples
autumn left for dead.
 — SkaaDee

Nope. ~Henry
 — HenryII

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