| Caramel Waves in a Bun
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unknown
| She was not born with a bun for hair, | 1 |
black rimmed specs for eyes, | 2 |
pin-striped slacks for legs; | 3 |
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her long fingers are not for laptop keys, | 4 |
hands for accessories, such as | 5 |
italian leather briefcases; | 6 |
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her spiky-heeled feet | 7 |
never stumbles | 8 |
on corporate stages, but | 9 |
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who's to say they ought to be naked, | 10 |
on unpaved, unmarked paths | 11 |
to Somewhere, back to where | 12 |
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her hair is loose, caramel waves, | 13 |
strumming fingers flavor days | 14 |
with sung, sculptured, painted passion. | 15 |
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She is smart and prim | 16 |
behind a desk with black marble | 17 |
hailing her boss of the glass box, but | 18 |
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who's to know a heart is not in place | 19 |
does she know, still want, | 20 |
need to remember? | 21 |
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She belongs to the world of mood-swings | 22 |
in palette swirls, and raw happiness | 23 |
if only someone would dare her to re-enter. | 24 |
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1 Jul 09 |
(define the words in this poem)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
Would this title be better? Artist in a Suite
— unknown
Oh my god, I feel like this poem was written about me. It's so depressing. I'll comment more constructively when I've read it a few more times.
— SodaKid
gee, i meant Artist in a Suit
— unknown
Sodakid, I'm glad that you can relate to this. It's such a sad reality that in order to survive the normal world, we often need to stop living the way we feel we should be...
— unknown
O, the bureaucracy!
— SodaKid
Even though I relate to the concept, the tone of this is too melodramatic for my tastes. I don't really like "poor me" poetry. The language and images don't really pop out at me, nor the rhythm. It is nice and I appreciate that you are really trying to communicate this feeling of artistic oppression, but it doesn't stimulate me or challenge my thinking. Sorry.
Note: Ln. 15 - "Hair" is singular and "are" is plural. You could say "hair was made of loose, caramel waves" or "hair fell in loose, caramel waves".
And I'm a big anti-exclamation mark person. It seems like someone is yelling or overly-excited. I don't think they function well.
— SodaKid
Good for you, that you can rise above your circumstances.. some of us, can't.
I wasn't aiming for melodrama... so how do you suggest I tone this down?
Thanks for the comments SodaKid.
— unknown
Made changes...
— unknown
Things like "she wasn't born" "they were not meant for" "her heart is out of place", sound a little bit like complaining, as if she is this delicate, sensitive artist who just can't handle it. But she doesn't do anything in the poem. The character/narrator is static. She is a victim. The entire poem is about what she is not and what she ought to be doing. I would like to see what she actually dares to do. We may not be able to rise above our circumstances, but our poetry doesn't have to be stuck down here with us.
What I like is the last line, which suggests that there is something about her that keeps her out of the creative world. The word "dare" makes it seem like she is holding herself back and the reader has to wonder why. It is interesting. I would build the poem off of that line, maybe from the bottom up.
Overall, I tend not to like poems that are too emotional, especially when there is a focus on angst or depression. Even Plath annoys me. So my opinion of this poem was biased from the beginning.
— SodaKid
The artist does not do anything, indeed-- because she is trapped.. the sad thing is that she doesn't seem to know that she is. In the original poem, the lines " let her not forget, make them recall,etc. say that after she has costume-ized herself to fit in the real world, the artistic self is pleading to be set free.
this is the artist as of the moment-- she has self-inflicted amnesia, she is repressed, that even if she has a high-profile corporate job, she isn't happy at all... and just maybe.. this is why, that has to be a drama-sodden poem.
The hope is in the dare.. artists are just never stable... can she risk instability? can she, one day, make that decision? To trade a Macbook for a canvass and paintbrush? an office on the 100th floor for a studio in the basement? steady cash flow from corporate success for true,inner happiness, so to speak...
— unknown
some more edits..
— unknown
I've edited this yet again... I'm trying to minimize the melodrama. Pointers will be appreciated. Thank you.
— unknown
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