| Butterflies from Hades
|
JKWeb
| I caught butterflies on my tongue | 1 |
It felt as if | 2 |
my mouth rinsed glass- | 3 |
| |
stark faith cradled | 4 |
scaled wings | 5 |
I cursed them | 6 |
with a cardinal smile | 7 |
beautiful creatures, purities dead | 8 |
I sprayed a prayer | 9 |
in divested guile | 10 |
| |
and blood overflowed | 11 |
their hateful chalice | 12 |
they bathe, they bathed | 13 |
| |
a metamorphosis transpired | 14 |
| |
I drink, I drank | 15 |
till my belly split | 16 |
steeped with chrysalis | 17 |
they took flight | 18 |
| |
Voracious proboscis- | 19 |
| |
drain, drained | 20 |
their vehement feed | 21 |
filled the air with bloody wings | 22 |
|
2 Jul 09 |
Rated 8.8 (8.4) by 19 users.
Active (19): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(61 more poems by this author)
(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
comments, crits, suggestions...?
— JKWeb
the title does justice for the poem. there's something strangely mythical about this. you also did well with the rhythm.
also, line nineteen stands out. and blood wings is a powerful image.
oh, and line fourteen is good.
— listen
thank you very much listen-
me glad you like :)
— JKWeb
forgot to mention that your imagery itself is good.
just glad to read this.
— listen
I agree with listen about the imagery in this poem. this is a very ambitious write JK--the religious references are not at all subtle, but are very well done. I like this very much, it is a well written piece--some might take exception to this this because of their religious preference, but not me--from my point of view this is excellent.
— PaulS
Thank you very much PaulS-
I very much appreciate your crit and comments...I'm glad you like it...
— JKWeb
and thank you for visiting again listen...
— JKWeb
any other comments, crits, suggestions?
— JKWeb
I enjoyed this much. Liked the play between pesticide and sermon(or whatever its called)
I dont know if this was intended but I found "voracious proboscis" and the overall concept of butterflies from hades really funny. nice job.
— peoplescareT
Unique and creative. Wonderful word choices and flow. Nice writing.
— sybarite
smile. this reads like a strange first translation from hungarian -- the embedded cases and verb directions, which are so easy in some other language, have to be fully filled ih english. but, i like that you did this dance, this baroque vision of a future minuet.
— trashpoodle
peoplescareT...sybarite...trashpoodle-
thank you all very much for taking the time to read and comment...
me glad you like : )
— JKWeb
I sit , read this over , over, but i am transfixed by it ... there is... something about it that speaks out at me, perhaps the butterfly or something, their stark faith cradled, their scaled wings, beautiful creatures, steeped with chrysalis, their voracious proboscis , standing out of course, their vehement feed, with bloody wings, they filled the air... bouncing with the wind... solemn creatures... look for rest... some cardinals take away... then to swing till mounted on a scrub, there is no more time to play... excellent piece i am still transfixed upon this ... j.g.smiles
— goeszon
JG-
I appreciate you too taking the time to dissect my poem...
glad you like... :) (:
— JKWeb
i am enamored with twenty through the last lines. lines thirteen and fifteen are iffy only because of the drink drank, present past stuff. the rest is in the past tense, perhaps keeping it that way would make it stick more but over all i love it. beautiful ;)
— brokenarrows
I read with a rictus grin drinking deep the bloody feast you've been with butterfly's razor smiles complete with honey-suckle'd sin -- a macabre play well writ JKWeb
— AlchemiA
Thanks brokenarrows-
for giving my poem a l@@k...I appreciate it...
— JKWeb
AlchemiA-
Thank you for your cool poetic comment
me glad you like... :)
— JKWeb
super work......
— waltwhitman
waltwhitman-
thanks a bunch for reading and commenting...
:)
— JKWeb
pros
lots of neat imagery, viscerally felt
good allusions
some good phrasings
you have fun with tenses.
cons
story-telly
a bit bombastic
vehement feed makes no sense to me. but i could be dumb.
i feel you reaching with this, trying to attempt something challenging. i commend you for challenging yourself.
not scored.
— noodleman
add to line 4 -leaving an admiral's eye
think about butterfly type and significance.
this is one of the best i've read on here beautiful imagery that only loses power on last line (do butterflies bleed?)
last line could be - air turned silk into ?
— Caducus
Thank you noodleman for insight and comments...
vehement is good, I googled it... :)
— JKWeb
thank you as well Caducus-
I'm glad you like it, I appreciate the kudos...
the blood on the butterfly wings was not theirs
— JKWeb
I love the first line and then it goes into something so unbutterflyish that I was caught up in the imagination of it all. Demonic butterflies! (Kind of like Bridezillas!)
I don't need to know everything that's going on to like it, which is a relief. The lines and images are brave and different, creative. I love the 'vehement feed' line. I'm thinking African vultures only very, very small!
— Isabelle5
Isabelle-
thanks for having a l@@k see at my poement...
that would be small vultures with proboscis as opposed to beak :)
— JKWeb
11-13 my favorites. This is very well crafted, James. Congrats on being up there at the top. ;)
— SarahMichele
Thanks Sarah-
I appreciate you checking it out...
me ams happy you like ;)
— JKWeb
"Beautiful" - vague, over-generalized, abstract, has no impact, nondescript.
I'd cut Ln 13, and take out the repetition of bathing. Choose one. It does nothing for the poem to say it twice.
the same with lines 15 and 20. The repetition serves no function other than that it disorients the reader.
Overall, very provocative, vivid images and stimulating language. Love it.
— SodaKid
Thank you very much SodaKid-
I'm glad you enjoyed reading...
... :)
— JKWeb
I don't know why I'm the only one who does not like this. It's not as if I don't like stuff. I do. This just feels so unrealistic, I can't place it in my vision at all. It's overblown and inflated.
— unknown
as if I don't like macabre stuff*
— Ananke
dang, I revealed my unknownness, whoops
— Ananke
That's what I like about it. It's overblownnesses and inflatednesses. For some reason can't seem to use real words here. It suspends our disbelief. It is a fantasy.
— SodaKid
I know, and that's why I waited to comment on this. I read it when it was first posted, tried and tried to like it. I *like* fantasy. I like the fantastic.
This just feels too pretending, like a dungeon in a fairy tale that's described in detail but doesn't belong in the story and has no participation in the plot.
— Ananke
Ananke-
that's exactly what I was shooting for...
like noodleman said, it's bombastic and I guess I've
succeded to a certain degree...
— JKWeb
SodaKid-
Thank you for stopping by again ;)
— JKWeb
it's a heavily clad poem
which is ok and i know you intended it
and i like the richness and blood.
i don't like the abundance of 'their' and 'they'
in the poem. this could be avoided i think.
people like to write about butterflies
in all sorts of ways, don't they. i like them too.
your title makes me think of Karl Childers
with all that talk about Hades. cool. =-)
— jenakajoffer
amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— bladeofagony
=Jen=
thanks for having a l@@k @ my poem...
— JKWeb
=bladeofagony=
thank you for your brief but cool comment
I'm glad you like it ;)
— JKWeb
some butterflies are toxic if ingested.
this poem is toxic
— crab
ummm...thanks crab...I think :l
— JKWeb
Interesting that your butterflies are scary and beautiful at the same time too. :-) I love your title - it could also be used for my poem.......I want to steal it!!
I didn't read this in a religious context initially, because it feels very physical and I was caught up in that.
Lines 1-3 I love these 3 lines.
Lines 9-10 I'm not sure you need these - the religious imagery is strong enough without maybe?
Lines 16-17 gory and evocative
It does feel slightly overdone (line 19 maybe?) but at the same time, I can understand why butterflies might inspire that kind of drama :-)
— smugzy
thanks smugzy-
for reading and commenting
I was going for that "over-the-top" feel on this one
thanks again for stopping by :)
— JKWeb
why did the butterflies feel like glass?
— ghost
ghost-
Thank you for reading.
— JKWeb
Is that all you can say? you got nothing? no explanation? you can write it- but yet you can not be bothered to explain?
— unknown
"It felt as if my mouth rinsed glass?" why?
— unknown
ghost and unknown(s)-
You really want me to explain?
Or are you just yankin' my chain?
The butterflies are from hell, it's all metaphorical.
Best regards
— JKWeb
"It felt as if / my mouth rinsed glass."
Mmmm.. Yes. This is some really nice poetry, lamely put. I love the imagery that you present. :3 It's wonderful.
— irisiis
irisiis-
Thanks for the nice words and making this a fave.
— JKWeb
Bravo dear man!
I find this poem to be exquisite!
;)
— mandolyn
mandolyn-
Thank you very much. Glad you like it.
— JKWeb
perhaps taking out puities dead,
beautiful creatures,
I sprayed a prayer
— Callisto
Callisto-
Thanks for reading and suggestions. I've trimmed this an awful lot since the intial post and I'd hate to trim anymore and lose sight of what I was trying to convey. Nonetheless, I do appreciate it.
— JKWeb
wow...this is great!!!
— psychofemale
Thanks psychofemale
for reading and accolades.
— JKWeb
my choice for the day, very nice.
— manuka
Thanks manuka
for reading and nice comment.
— JKWeb
whoa, quite nice,
JKWebster sir.
: )
— fractalcore
Thank you much fractalcore
for reading, commenting and making a fave.
— JKWeb
killer!
— unknown
dang
— unknown
Thanks unknown(s)
for taking the time to read and comment.
— JKWeb
much admire l15-18 - very well executed.
— Caducus
Thanks a bunch Caducus. Glad you like 15-18. Gratitude.
— JKWeb
A quite powerful and subtle work that I very much have enjoyed.
I wanted to tell you so.
— unholy
How did I miss this one??
Another great write web!
— mandolyn
Much gratitude for reading and positive feedback unholy.
— JKWeb
Thank you too mandolyn. I'm glag you like.
— JKWeb
*glad...oops
— JKWeb
I gotcha.
;)
— mandolyn
|
|
|