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Race Point
starr

We bicycle,
 1
spin inside
 2
the tops of trees
 3
 
 
then we
 4
downshift,
 5
 
 
drift
 6
with ease.
 7

In memory of a beautiful time and place, 1991.

4 Jul 09

Rated 7.3 (7.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 9, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

LOVE IT! GOOD ONE. MADE MY DAY :-))
 — unknown

LOL!  Right on!  Glad I could help make your day!  Thanks to u2!  Happy 4th!  :-)
 — starr

    Finally... something... something in the way he moves , something in the way he woo's it... the words that weave , something, you had a few minutes to breath, your laugh as you ease through the trees , something, the relief, someone one owned that day, the breeze, something of the sky coming thru the trees, the beach sand coming up a tease of the ocean... oh Starr...  you are so beautiful.
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

goeszon, you're beautiful 2.  Glad u like it.  :-)
 — starr

a red bicycle...?
 — DeformedLion

I would go anywhere with you on a bycycle made for two

Larry pedal to the metal Lark
 — larrylark

Of COURSE it's a RED bicycle, D.L.!  And Larry, we're gonna have to oil up that chain first.  Peace, guyz.  :-)
 — starr

this is provincetown. yes?

if so, i love your poem.
 — noodleman

nice.

but i don't think you 'earn' soul and in such an event the poem falls onto its head and grazes its eyes. 10 and 11 being perfectly ridden into from the preceeding lines...that lovely little scene. not image, but sense drawn. the blur of it, as time seems to vanish in the trees.
 — DeformedLion

soul is allowed here. another mans opinion. i usually hate the word.
 — noodleman

.......soaring in the updraft of memories sweet...this is lovely, flows ever so softly, ever so gently...
 — sybarite

Hey Noodle:  Yes, P-town it is, indeed.  LOVE me some P-town.  Haven't been there in almost 20 years, but remember it fondly.  I'm glad u love it.  D.L., thank you and syb, thank YOU TOO!  :-)
 — starr

the bi-cycle of your soul stole my heart away, what more can I say -- this is a 'lil imagism gem reflecting all your light, that's write starryMan
 — AlchemiA

"bicycle of my soul" jars; sounds clunky, corny. Would "cycle" work?
 — unknown

Alch, thanks as always for your kind words/critiques and unknown, "cycle" could pertain to "any" cycle really.  This poem involves the memory of a bicycle ride.  Thanks too for contributing a very valid suggestion.  :-)
 — starr

Can you be within a bicycle?  I would think that would be 'I feel you riding the bicycle of my soul.  No , inside () in fact, why do you have () there?  I think they are distracting.

This is springlike and cool, crisp, except for the ().
 — Isabelle5

How DARE YOU attack my parenthesis!  To the lions with you!  LOL.  Okay...better now?  :-)
 — starr

Yes.  Now explain the bicycle.  Are you thinking of it as the wheel of your soul?  I want to see what you're seeing there.  I really like the downshift, drift image, it's just peaceful.  I have done that on the beach sidewalk, I know exactly!
 — Isabelle5

Well...it's like this:  "The bicycle of my soul" is simply the passion of the beautiful day and the awesome bikeride.  Nothin' more.  It COULD pertain to any one of the chakras, I suppose, but that wasn't really my intention here; just a nice bikeride in a beautiful place, Isabelita.  :-)
 — starr

Good enough for me, Cholito!
 — Isabelle5

LOL!  Cholita!  :-)
 — starr

....and here I thought the bicycle was reference to how we may fall, but get back up and ride again...

...such a lovely, breezy piece....
 — sybarite

This must be starr. Nice breezy write.
 — Ananke

Thanks, Ananke!  Breezy and easy!  :-)
 — starr

"Bicycle of my soul" is a really unexpected image. I'm not sure if I'm sold on it, since it's difficult to imagine containing anything inside a bicycle; but I applaud the outside-the-box thinking; I feel like you know exactly what you mean to say there, and that's a positive; I just feel like it needs to be pried at a bit more.

"Take you up inside the / lines in trees" is an odd pair; my two (personal) rules for a line are that it either makes literal (if unconventional) sense, or creates an honest sensation that I can cling to. I can't get this image to meet either criteria.

For the finale, I generally shy away from elipses and jarring word displacement. I feels like word displacement drags my eye around, like it's forcing me on a journey rather than leading me to a journey's inevitable outcome, and all the while the elipses act like speedbumps underfoot.

I think that there is positive material here that could use some fine tuning. Hope this is helpful in some way!
 — griffinxi

bicycle of my soul??
haha, i don't know what to say.  *shakes head!!!
but hey don't sweat it,
this bicycle song just came on the station:
'i can ride my bike with no handlebars
no handlebars
no handlebars
and i am a proud american
and i can see your face on the telephone"..that was kind of funny.

beach forest? why both?
pretty rhymie rhythmn but...bicycle of my soul?
i'm just saying that out loud...don't change it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

griffinxi, thank you so much for your suggestions.  I pulled in those drifting lines and did away with the elipses points.  I changed lines in trees to "tops" of trees because when one is pedalling uphill, one generally sees the tops of the trees on the other side before careening back downhill again.  As for the bicycle of my soul, it's just a beautiful bikeride that happened to do the soul a lot of good that day almost 20 years ago.  :-)  And Jen...you're crazy, but I still love you 2 pieces.  :-)
 — starr

How about 'spokes of my soul?"  That indicates a wheel, like eternity, without the odd bicycle image.  
 — unknown

Oooooh...and it's got that nice alliteration too...spokes, soul.  Hmmmm...
I also changed "take you" in L6 to "lead you."  I'm definitely looking for something that has to do with wheels.  Would "wheels" work?  :-O
 — starr

Wheels seems too mechanical to me but spokes of the soul would be good.  I feel you turning the spokes or I feel you turning in the spokes.  Wheel in the sky keeps on turning...
 — unknown

Spokes it is.  I kinda like it, actually.  Thanks.  :-)
 — starr

A little more fine-tuning.  I didn't want to lose the "bicycle ride" in this poem.  Thanks 4 the suggestions, every-1.  :-)
 — starr

rather middle-of-the-road poetry...i can see the changes, the first two lines are divine...but i think the last two need to be kept apart, spaced, given pole position.

otherwise, yes, this is good.
 — DeformedLion

COME ON IS THIS REALLY ANY GOOD?


really admit it

it isn't
 — unknown

What 2 do...what 2 do...I'll go and slit both wrists right now because you don't like my writing.  :-(
 — starr

Let's do it together, Starr, they don't like mine, either.  

You know what my opinion is about the Unknown wankers, right??  haha
 — Isabelle5

I'll go get the razor blades, Isabelle.  You bring the noose.  Wankers is an interesting word.  I just call it "no balls."  :-O
 — starr

I love the spirit of this poem; the freedom it generates.
 — PaulS

Thanks, Paul and to everyone else who has enjoyed this.  It's an honor.  Peace.  
:-)
 — starr

Seems quite fitting that a poem written by Starr shines over us.  Congrats on the number one.  Well deserved.  I read this poem poem every day.  E-hugs from your north western neighbor!
 — sybarite

Awwww, syb.  Hugs back at'cha.  xoxo :-)
 — starr

this is not very good...... what exactly is a 'beach forest breeze' ?

L5 is about as far away from poetry as you can get... cliched beyond imagination,

you don't need L11, L10 says that already.

if you want to strengthen this, thread together the different metaphors you are playing with here.... the breeze, bicycle, forest..... suggest a connection on a deeper level, but PLEASE dont use the word soul.... never use the word soul.
 — unknown

Thanks for the comment.  The Beach Forest is a place (a natural feature, as are The Dunes) in Provincetown, Massachusetts.  Same for Race Point.  Google them all.  They're beautiful places.  As for "soul" being cliched in L5, perhaps, yes, perhaps, no.  Most spirituality IS cliched to a point.  I'll take a closer look at this and maybe change things up a bit to reflect what you are proposing be done here.  Some of it actually makes sense and I can appreciate the suggestion for revision.  Thanks.  :-)  
 — starr

the spirit behind it is good
the words are so so
 — unknown

Experimenting.   Wondering where I might be able to fit in "chakra" anywhere here.  Any suggestions?  :-O
 — starr

sacrally? no no no
 — Ianto

How about:

In my chakra
your wheels turn
 — Ianto

Better?  :-O
 — starr

starr, this does not seem to have the spirit and grace as before :(
 — PaulS

agree
 — Ananke

Ahhhh...majority rules then.  Be right back with the original.  I was experiment-a-ma-cating.  :-)
 — starr

Okay, guyz.  It's back to the original.  I was going with what the unknown was suggest-i-ma-cating.  :-)
 — starr

I think the problem lies with line 2-5. The rest is what's so rhythmic and fully of ease. Maybe experiment-a-ma-cate with those lines? But please leave the rest, PLEASE PLEASE leave 8-11 just as they are.
 — Ananke

LOL!  Okay...I just got rid of 2-5.  I can hear all kinds of clunks in those lines.  I was never really a fan of 'em anyway.  I see you weren't either.  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  Thanks, Ananke.  :-)
 — starr

How about in L7 change-a-ma-cating "with ease" to "in the salty breeze?"  Just a thought.  :-)
 — starr

BRAVISSIMO-A-CATION! I CHANGE MY 9 TO 10!!

This gave me shivers this time. And how many times have I read it before? A lot.

Excellent. Carve it in stone and
do.
not.
change.
one.
dot.
or.
tiddle.
tittle?

ahaha, bye now.
 — Ananke

no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no nein, nunca, bohoi,
nee, oxi,
leave it
ALONE
 — Ananke

Awwwwww... thanks, Ananke!  You're so cute!  I won't change-a-ma-cate a "thang!"  :-)
 — starr

Ooops...my smile got cut off there.  What I meant was, ":-)!"
 — starr

Oh perfect!!  Starr, this has evolved to such simple beauty.  It's breathtaking.  
 — sybarite

Awww...thank you, syb!  I did with the help of quite a few people.  I can't take all the credit.  Glad u like it.  I'm still trying to.  :-)
 — starr

Can't type tonight.  I meant "I did IT with the help of quite a few people."  :-)
 — starr

I did.
 — sybarite

goes to show a kind of value, then, don't it?

i've been watching the myriad alterations of this "poem";

it is quite dissimilar from the version it began, and was rated/favourited as

i think it stinks like the queen's ass
 — chuckle_s

What "value"?  I liked the original version and I like this version.  The poem has metamorphosed but maintains the integrity and intent of the original (for me).  
 — sybarite

the value of your opinion/praise in a critical environ

that value
 — chuckle_s

...and pray tell how one would assign a "value" to an opinion given an opinion is entirely subjective?
 — sybarite

oh, i don't know
by watching how they comment?
by noticing what they deem 'fantastic!', 'wonderful!', 'awesome!'?

if i worship at the altar of dung would you be flattered if i also worshipped at your altar?

cripes your dense; always another question from you, ain't it?
aren't your lips getting sore?
 — chuckle_s

Ya know.  Never mind.  You're far too negative.  
 — sybarite

Starr--apologies for hijacking your comment section.  
 — sybarite

like i care what you think
 — chuckle_s

Myriad, myriad on the wall...who's the drunkest one of all?  Don't apologize, Syb.  You didn't do anything wrong.  I don't drink, so I don't understand his rants either.  
 — starr

he seems fairly cogent to me.
 — DeformedLion

Added two new last lines.  Myriad, myriad...where for art thou, sweet Myriad.  D.L., let us have our fires.  Thanks.  :-)
 — starr

starr- Without the last two lines, this poem is PERFECT. It still conveys everything that you wrote in the first version of this. Bicycling through the tops of trees conveys soul-bicycling. But with those last two lines added, it turns this into an acid trip bicycle ride - nice and fun images, but it does not have SOUL POWER.

OK I know you know my opinion by now as I've already well explained it. But I'm just sayin.....
 — Ananke

ACID?!!!  LOL!  Nah...ain't no acid up in here!  Just a little 420.  I'll think about your last comment and remove those last two lines when I get 2 work (if I MUST!)  LOL!  :-)
Thanks again 4 droppin' by and keepin' me on my Starr toes.  xoxo!
 — starr

Okay...thought about it (and I'm not even at work yet!)  Thanks, Ananke!  :-)
 — starr

I'd call it a "repost," but I never took it down to rePOST it to begin with.  It's always been a work in progress.  :-)
 — starr

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