A sunny 8am did not
the sky looking grayish white,
the color of the bedsheet.
The weatherman did forecast
lots of rain for August
though I am not ready
As clouds keep shifting,
a gust hits the window pane
just when I looked away,
your body still warm,
after the doctor said
you are gone.
1 Aug 09
Rated 5 (6.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (1): 1, 10
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A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
this is pretty good-
though I'm not sure about line 2
for me, the wording is a tad strange
maybe you could try, 'the star was blocked by an angry sky'
or something to that effect
I must admit, I was a little surprised by the ending...very tragic
overall, good write
this actually reads like the intro to a nineteen-thirties popular song, from a musical -- where it's all background to introduce the lyric.
so, the lyric would go something like,
"you took your bedsheets,
you grabbed your soft valise --
left me with nothing but air --
so, i'm sittin, and wishin'
someone would come up the stairs."
that'd be one they'd cut from the show, but, still...
Any time you got nothing to do-and lots of time to do it- come on up Mae West (1893-1980)
Thanks for the feedback.
Revised to provide a setting to anchor the poem.
that actually did come through -- that the 'gone' meant, 'gone' -- but, this wording now, makes it into melodrama. what had been a fragmented set of reflections -- not focused, but real enough and emotive, now becomes a talk to the reader, asking for an answer.
This is a good idea for a poem, but it gets all washed out because everything poetic is sacrificed for the dramatic ending. It’s OK, but doesn’t work for me.
Thanks. The first version was raw. The second although there is a setting, I felt as I read it now is wordy. I'll let it rest for now until I come up with a more concise way to say it.
I think this is better with more coherence, the bedsheet and window pane anchoring the poem.