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Rainy August
JoelJosol

A sunny 8am did not
 1
come true,
 2
 
 
the sky looking grayish white,
 3
the color of the bedsheet.
 4
 
 
The weatherman did forecast
 5
lots of rain for August
 6
 
 
though I am not ready
 7
for today.
 8
 
 
As clouds keep shifting,
 9
a gust hits the window pane
 10
 
 
just when I looked away,
 11
your body still warm,
 12
 
 
after the doctor said
 13
you are gone.
 14

1 Aug 09

Rated 5 (6.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (1): 1, 10

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Comments:

  A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.   Mark Twain  (1835-1910)
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

this is pretty good-
though I'm not sure about line 2
for me, the wording is a tad strange
maybe you could try, 'the star was blocked by an angry sky'
or something to that effect
I must admit, I was a little surprised by the ending...very tragic
overall, good write
 — JKWeb

this actually reads like the intro to a nineteen-thirties popular song, from a musical -- where it's all background to introduce the lyric.

so, the lyric would go something like,

"you took your bedsheets,
you grabbed your soft valise --
left me with nothing but air --
so, i'm sittin, and wishin'
someone would come up the stairs."

that'd be one they'd cut from the show, but, still...
 — trashpoodle

ignore poodle.
best way.
 — unknown

he is
talking
shit
again.
 — unknown

Any time you got nothing to do-and lots of time to do it- come on up   Mae West    (1893-1980)
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Thanks for the feedback.
 — JoelJosol

Revised to provide a setting to anchor the poem.
 — JoelJosol

that actually did come through -- that the 'gone' meant, 'gone' -- but, this wording now, makes it into melodrama. what had been a fragmented set of reflections -- not focused, but real enough and emotive, now becomes a talk to the reader, asking for an answer.
 — trashpoodle

ignore poodle
best way
 — unknown

This is a good idea for a poem, but it gets all washed out because everything poetic is sacrificed for the dramatic ending. It’s OK, but doesn’t work for me.
 — cowork

Thanks. The first version was raw. The second although there is a setting, I felt as I read it now is wordy. I'll let it rest for now until I come up with a more concise way to say it.
 — JoelJosol

I think this is better with more coherence, the bedsheet and window pane anchoring the poem.
 — JoelJosol

wow....
 — psychofemale

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