I watch her walk,
as if downhill,
while striding uphill,
leaning so far back I marvel.
How does she place her feet
while staring relentlessly into rain?
Creased cheeks channel water,
falls toward distant edges of her face.
5 Sep 09
Rated 7 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 1, 6, 10, 10, 10
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nice first section, with the word-flip, but the second stanza is as though notes to the first, and that's not necessary when you're writing a word-flower in a word meadow.
nice poem larry.
i don't think you need 'up' L6
and 'toward' sounds nicer than 'towards'.
my 2 bits.
i like the rain and the questions you ponder.
i also like the creased cheeks and the images it projects into my mind.
i like your autumn thread. i feel that way too.
i love it, but it brings me to childhood, reminding me of change, and loss.
I am not sure whether you are walking uphill with me or downhill against me but really i see you as a flat liner, close to the living dead.
Larry dead head Lark
He's very entertaining in a peverse sort of way unknown. Sometimes i wish he were sat on my mantlepiece and at others stuck far away behind the outside toilet at the bottom of our yard.
Larry walking the walk Lark
Thanks for the bits jen, appreciated as always
hey larry, just add 'the' back in line 6, then you're sailing.
do you really need 'relentlessly'? just wondering if endlessly is a better word, or if you need to stress the staring at all.
always nice to visit your poems.
i hope you had a nice summer.
larry, i don't really live in a semi-detached and cultivate roses. there's no reason for us to do garden parties together, but, if you want to talk about writing poetry sometime -- beyond just 'rosy dawn', then crit one of mine with some kind of integrity.
You write stuff TP, that would go down like a lead balloon in Readers Digest, and why on earth would i be interested in your tiny poets korner, full of barbs rhubarb and carbolic? Even I am not stupid enough to feed your bonfire of vanity. You can carry on trashing my stuff all you like and i find your green bile hardly worth clicking the mouse for.
Larry in vain Lark
This isn't so substantial by itself. Give us a complete and fulfilling poem. 6/10
'reader's digest' -- and is this inarticulate sputtering meant to say that even in readers digest my stuff would fail, or that readers digest is the criteria of success for you? i wish you wrote clearer -- it's not enough just to have it in mind that everyone will know what you're talking about. especially when that everyone is the few hobby poets here who've pretensions towards getting an award for thinking the right things and writing only what can be thought.
"i watch her in a downhill way, while i'm watching her with an uphill feeling, marveling at my dexterity. how can i say exactly how she places her feet, when i'm staring in the mirror, watching myself watch?? look at her: 'staring relentlessly' -- dare i write it?? should i not say 'despairingly' or even 'anxiously'?? no, that would be telling the reader what i think. better to be distant and objective -- 'relentlessly' is already too emo.
'the edges of her face' -- so evocative, no? like the edges of knives, her hate shedding away nature and nature's moisture -- no tears for me, not at all. sob. but, that's not the message -- and they'll read 'edges' as 'fortitude' and admire me for writing it."
You'd make an excellent poetry critic for all the chavs who read The News Of The World.
Larry sub letter Lark
PS I luv it when you work yourself up into a frenzy. You almost start to sound sincere...almost but not quite.
glad you structured the poem around it seemingly going downhill.
seemingly simple but it isn't.