poetry critical

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Kiss n' Tell (1952)

Ran aimless with Teresa May,
played behind zinc bath, punched rusty with holes,
hung on hook above pile of coal,
breathing stalled. Footfalls of red sandals
stole over back yard stones past the mangle,
always close to home.
I preferred being caught,
shelved hide and seek for “kiss and tell."
No one fell in love.
Cool lip taste of strawberry cream,
Neapolitan ice made every filling scream.
I was edgy, even then avoided shadows.
Trails we blazed? Half remembered scenes;
tugged at the edge of a monochrome dream.

14 Sep 09

Rated 9 (7.7) by 1 users.
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Now, is this your real style or not? Are you submitting poetry here as J. Harrison too? Well, this one is better. I can taste the tobacco between Dad's lips and imagine what it would have been liked to have been chased around the bathroom by him!! What a slice of life!!
 — 2queer2fear

Hi 2queer2fear

What a pity its all a total fabrication and a complete lie, as well as well as being untrue

Larry 7queens7heavens Lark
 — larrylark

Not sure really - maybe some editing?  Can't see the point of the first stanza at all - it seems to act as filler more than anything - distracting from the main event. You have plenty of pointers and signposts from the second stanza onwards. The last stanza is very prosaic and explanatory - I don't think line 16 is right at all - it's clunky, but I enjoyed the rest!
 — opal

Have edited but maybe its another one for the bin
 — larrylark

mmmmm its starting to grow on me.......now where did i put the fungel spray

Larry moulsy old bastard Lark
 — larrylark

HOT SHIT! I love this one!!
 — aforbing