25 Sep 09
Rated 10 (8.4) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
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interesting narrative verse-
though I think you could replace the majority of 'Chris' with 'he'
as you've established the main character early on--
otherwise, decent (w)rite...
didn't realize Chris was so repetitive. unintentional, will change that.
was perhaps wondering if you have any other suggestions. i try to make my writing at least a little more than decent.
thanks for your kind words.
I think I've said it before, you have a way of bringing characters to life...and I'm not sure if they're based on people you know or if they're fictional--either way, you're really good at it...if I could offer any suggestion, it would be to trim the poem just a bit--in other words, you could convey just as much with fewer words...or maybe your intention is prose--which I can't offer any suggestions as I'm not too familiar with it...anyway, I do like your poem
thanks JK. i'll look at this and see what needs to go.
i hope i didn't come off as unappreciative of your comment ... meaning, i didn't think you were rude or anything. i just have high standards for myself, and when i don't meet them, i don't feel as though i accomplished much.
but that doesn't mean you should feel like you have to tone any of your comments down. in fact your initial comment was very friendly. and i appreciate that a lot.
went ahead and removed many of the repetitions with Chris.
thank you, JK. please, always be honest with me. i value your judgment.
"I have lived eighty years of life and know nothing for it, but to be resigned and tell myself that flies are born to be eaten by spiders and man to be devoured by sorrow." Voltaire
Yes, your character studies are always top-notch--this is no exception.
it's jen here, just read this, love the story. HAVE to suggest you give thought to the last lines. L35, the word 'abuse', i think, really needs to be replaced by an image-- say, by using 'fists' (so much more impact, literally), and also in L36, I find the use of 'forever' useless as time, for there is no time after death, SO, what if you could say 'once' as in past? i think it's more direct.
i am a little confused by the 'lie'. maybe i didn't read closely enough. i'd love if you could tell me more if you reply.
i think the poem would conclude wonderfully at 36. perhaps it's that i just don't envision (understand) what the last 2 lines are saying. not sure.
anyway, great write as usual! your stories touch me. one of the last comments i made on one of your poems was about the way i feel when i read your stuff; this is one of those times when i want to write the same thing to you. just because it's so true. you've got to put these down in a little book one day. they read like memoirs, though not in first person.
take care, =-)
Very nice! Are all your character poems about actual people or are they fictional? Anyway a definite 10
hey everyone. thank you for commenting.
Goeszon, your quote was very accurate. i just hope that humanity continues to fight against sorrow, continues to toss it out the window, as humanity is worth more than sorrow.
Paul, i never thought of these poems as character studies, good way to put it. always appreciate your comments, and hope you keep your inspiration up, as it matters a lot, keeps my own inspiration alive.
and Jen, great comment. you always leave insightful comments, and i always try to respond when i can because they mean a lot.
i was hoping that forever would help to imply that Chris's suffering lasted forever. not literally, but in its own way. and you're right about time not existing in death ... which is why i'm now frustrated with that particular line. how do you think i can reword it in a way that helps stress that Chris's suffering was endless in his lifetime?
anyway, to explain the part about Chris's father: in a way, he was the real character in this poem. in a way. Chris mattered to his father, the father just couldn't show it, perhaps didn't know how. doesn't justify the violence, but Chris mattered, even though Chris never felt that way. so, that was the lie, the death of Chris causing the father to die in his own traffic accident; the loss of his son.
but that doesn't mean i'm not open to your interpretation of just how effective that may be, if i should expand or just focus on Chris's suffering. what do you think?
as far as making a better image with abuse in line thirty-five ... please continue with that. i really would like you to perhaps even write a possible scenario, and then perhaps i could go off that. great suggestion, just must confess i'm not sure how to incorporate that. which is annoying because i need to incorporate it.
i'm glad this had an effect, i always go for that. memoirs is a good description of them, as some would say these stories aren't poetry ... but i at least hope the effect makes up for that, at least tries to leave something within.
please, respond if you get the time. i'm curious to know if i explained this all right, and what i need to strengthen now that hopefully it makes more sense.
and hey Redlander. thanks for commenting on this poem. i like your poetry because you are funny and creative, don't stick to the potentially normal routine with words. please keep such a great trait up. you do it well.
it would seem these pieces aren't fictional because they happen even if they don't happen this way. but, the people and stories themselves are fiction, and any coincidence is unintentional and coincidental.
again, thank you everyone. your comments always mean a lot to me.
Hey this is a heart grabber for sure.
thank you for reading, Ebony. good to know it had an effect.
cliche as usual
sadly, woe tails the miserable as if dogged by punishment deserved -- guilt is a hungry-ghost and abuse is a gift that keeps on giving 'til it takes its own life and you with it -- accidents are often the result of being tired of keeping secrets to yourself -- well said story listen
Ah so very sad.
hey Alchemia. thank you for coming by. your interpretation is perfectly on track, of course, as they always are. the two major themes you mentioned were the ones i mostly built this poem around, and since they are the ones you mentioned, it's good to know that this poem set out to do what it wanted to do.
Frugal, i appreciate the favorite. my poetry is sad too much of the time, but hopefully, expresses a hidden hope.
thanks for reading Unknown.
This is such great non-fiction but fiction poem, the emotions wallow in the same belief and disbelief, to experience such a horrific fate one can only be thankful that there are poets out there to remind us all that this sort of thing can happen to anyone, and should think about that. because if you do not think about it then you will be surprised when it happens to and you will not know what to do or how to stop it. this is whole poem is a cautionary tale to what will become of us if we do not visualize the terrible things that can take place. I like the combination of events, it’s like a fusion story in a poem.
sorry i've not replied in while. simply put, i think if you changed 'abuse' to 'fists' and delete 'forever', we'd still get the message, but with less words, and more imagery. fists/impaled. that's the ticket right there. i dont find it necessary to mention words of time, the poem gives us that impression already, that the abuse was ongoing. we sometimes need to give the reader less, i think.
i still feel, and it's just a personal opinion,
that the poem loses impact having ended with lines 37/38.
i know it's valid to your story, but in a way, i don't really care about what happened to his father. in a way, these lines offer the opportunity for the reader to sympathy for the father, and for me, that just won't do. ;)
anway, don't know if what i said is useful,
but it's always a pleasure to visit you,
ey, listen to me and listen well, hehe.
just kidding. how you been, listen dear?
i just love ||24-29.
your |30 is a very risky transition point -- you
have a very constricting space to justify that line
towards the end. it seems that you left that area
ambiguous and for the reader to figure out for
himself, which, i think, is nice and has a very nice
effect on me at the very least. that part, too, from
|30 down, is where it gets really cramped-prosy.
but then it has to stay that way, right? you have
over 200 PC babies and that's really awesome.
i think i'm inclined to call them 'poetic prose' or
'prose with a huge poetic potential' or 'poetry
disguised as prose' or 'prose that is poetic in
i haven't read all of your posts yet nor have any
concrete idea of how you progress[ed] as a writer
here. i guess this has become your signature style
and you're quite comfortable with it, yes? and, you
are one of the many people who appreciate a poem
when they see one. i really think that a poet lurks in
you, waiting to be released from the chains of an
otherwise story-oriented poetic-prose style.
and, i enjoy anything i read of you when i'm able to,
so what am i complaining about, right? no, i'm not
really complaining, hehe. and i can get really prosy,
you are unique in that you're the only one doing what
you're doing here and you're very good at it.
so please keep those gems coming.
what is there to lose, anyway,
but the self in artistic expression...
which is a very tricky thing in itself.
thank you so much for your art, listen.
take care always.
Thank God! Soomene with brains speaks!
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