poetry critical

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the pine's needling
hank

wind ploughed pine needles
 1
round stones and stalks
 2
wovenlawn intertwined
 3
darted into grass stems
 4
 
 
rake them once and they align with tines
 5
so you must sweep backforthcrossways
 6
hands the finetoothcomb when clearing
 7
cigarettes burn to stumps while needling
 8

4 Oct 09

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 8

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Comments:

    you could have almost just written 1 thru 4 and had a beautiful piece which 1 thru 4 was etc... 5 thru 8 was something else i don't know why you didn't keep with the original flow of words in other words it started well, very nice but ended up something different... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

because the first four lines only introduce.
they don't explain.
(my frustration)
completely.
the first four lines might be a nice little poem.
but who's after nice little poems?
 — hank

You could end at line 4 and have a complete and lovely poem.  Having raked a peck of pickled pines, I can relate to this!  
 — Isabelle5

Ah, now I see why you feel the need to explain.  Still cute.
 — Isabelle5

the first stanza doesn't explain why i'm writing the poem
 — hank

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