pod across the wharf,
we breathe the navy breeze,
bruised along the shore.
burns slow through my kin,
blood harpoon slays our name
as rage suggests these waves.
behind your monstrous eyes,
my severed roots lie
jaded by the seaside.
your fins reflect the glow--
my shame shaded in ghost mosaic
our past adrift with the tide.
5 Oct 09
Rated 9.2 (8.2) by 15 users.
Active (15): 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (33): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Very nice! blue/navy, red/blood, green/jaded, yellow/glow exquisite connections.
it must be that Canadian water... j.g. smiles
this is very nicely worded, with the rhythms and cadence, but the images are so flat, so empty of suggestion. there are lots of word combinations in this which seem to link a substance with a surface sensation, but it's from a shopping vocabulary, as though we were wandering in the aisles of 'poetry market', looking at the packaged products.
it is a wave of poetry, it has that feeling, but the objects swimming in the wave seem to have only name-dimension. something's missing in this for me. i think it's that, in spite of all the references, it's still the author telling us how the author feels about nature and not giving us any other nature but 'mind currents'.
thanks for reading JK, Redlander and goesz.
i wish i could show you the orca and the memories of victoria that inspired this.
it's not just canadian water, jg, it's the ocean, and i missed it so much, i cried.
mike, thank you for the close and indepth read.
yes, this is how i feel about this particular nature, and my life in victoria.
i suppose the only thing missing in it is the true, broken 'me'... and perhaps my blood guts and deep sadness for the loss of my roots and family unity.
and that must be another poem-- or not a poem at all.
i can feel it coming, one of those rants i'm so good at.
Having just watched a show about Orca's (Yes, I watch a lot of TV, as you will go insane if you only crochet without something else going on!), I can see this and feel the rage, the sadness. Lines 8-14 are lovely.
Truly lovely I can imagine the sea makes me want to go to Rockaway. Anyway a 10 for sure
I love how you've put this together, jen--the use of simple colors, expanded through imagery and metaphor--excellent work.
Jen, I've missed you! I haven't been writing (too ill) but feel a bit better now. Lovely to see you here.
This is very beautiful and has a lovely rhythm and cadence.
Lines 5-6 reading this out loud the "and" doesn't feel quite right.
Does "your breach" mean the plume of water that comes out the top? Am I being thick?
Line 14 "prove rage" ? I think the word "prove" renders this less effective somehow.
Line 19 Not sure you need "weeping". It makes "jaded" a bit weaker but "jaded" is good and different and fits in with the "green" thingy! Unless you say "I lie weeping" and then the rest?
Do you need a comma at end line 23?
I love lines 24-26.
Just a few nits. You're amazing!
good choice of words with the best in the last stanza. beautiful last line too.
i don't care for line 16 and think you could have chosen something else apart from 'pea', it sounds too flimsy for this but a good write nonetheless.
thanks to all who've commented, i appreciate the read!
Hi Isabelle, thanks for stopping by.
BxP, not sure what a Rockaway is.
thanks for the nice words, Paul.
Smugz, you're awesome
i loved reading your comment, i miss you too!
i wish you were feeling better.
your suggestions were spot-on, and i have made some changes.
love ya lots, xo.
Rask, how's it going?
i know, pea-sized is a little poking out of this thing, but for now i think it stays. it is saying what i want, even if it's not blending as well as i'd hoped. can't think of another option at the moment. thanks for the nice comment, as always. =-)
This is beautiful, however, it would, in my opinion, read better w/o all the possessive pronouns perhaps. Try it out loud and see what I mean.) Otherwise, it's as if Suzanne Ciani might have written a lyric to go with her Seven Waves CD. Very peaceful and regretful. Makes me wonder if it's really the ocean you're writing about. Hmmmm...something tells me that it's not. It's beautiful, nonetheless. I like the way you paint with words and language. :-)
Who? WHAT? NO!!! There are MANY, MANY sides to that muse of yours, Jen! I'm astonished! Now that I've read through this, I'm thinking that you ARE writing about the ocean and a very sad sight, but somehow it seems too easy. Y'got me. xoxo! Shitdawg of Love :-)
i found where weeping lies
and no longer need the pea. ;)
Starr, i love it when you are surprised.
you are right thought, it's not only about the sea.
i'm much too complicated than that. thanks for your awesomeness in words
ooh. this is really beautiful. each read something else pops out anew. cool.
wish you'd do a little more using white space. i mean this could really start dancing around without too much ado????
lovely just the same
Hi Sarah, i forgot to answer your question,
'breach' is when the whale's body leaps from the water.
I've made a few plucks,
so thanks Starr, I did take out the possessives. =-)
the suggestions have been most appreciated as i did post this in haste. you've helped me spend a little more time on this, so thank you Smugz, Rask and Starr.
Funes, thanks for the nice comment.
but as for the white space you mentioned,
i'm not much a dancer.
It reads beautifully now. Thanks for explaining about the "breach". I thought it was something to do with that plume of water that comes out of the top! Glad I asked.
jenK, you've an eye for colouring outSide the lines with emotional hues of tempus fugit memento mori ... the orca is one of my Totem guides -- I've a picture in front of me, the killer of the sea is home to me ... nice rhythms jenK , rhythms of the sea
Much better, Jen. Did I mention how much I love L24's "ghost mosaic?" THAT is TIGHT! xoxo!
you faved this mike?
i've a poem just for you,
and wrote it from the blue
after reading the words you have strewn-
i haven't the right
to post for your delight
since i'm bound by the limits
of this site;
see you soon.
From the poems I have read of yours their is a structure and soul reminiscent of Bernadette Cremin (published) and your work is bloody good.
I was published back in may this year and toured Ireland reading at several venues including the Seamus Heaney Centre at Queen University, Belfast and your work stands out JJ you should seek a publisher if not in the US then in the UK.
Do you attend open mic's?
very nice poem
thank you for the very uplifting comment, i don't know what to say. i will congratulate you though on being published, and touring ireland! you're living my dream right now, it seems-- well done! open mic? i live in the country, i am over an hour's drive from toronto, there is nothing here. besides i'd be scared shitless to read outloud to people! (however, i think i could get used to it ;)
thank you so much for great compliment-- i will try to keep working, and improving.
you really should, jen -- even if it's to make web-cam of yourself reading -- you're a fine lyrical writer and should have nothing to fear. i'm sure your voice is fine for poetry -- you don't have to be an actor on stage, since it's your stage.
So beautiful. I love how the primary color descriptors lead to need for light in yellow.
mike, i guess it's good to practice reading outloud,
recording it through the webcam. i've never done it. how does one handle themselves? i mean, looking at yourself, hearing yourself?? i guess you get used to it. guess you need to really love yourself, or something.
i read outloud at a funeral, my own poems, but that's it. not to people who know poetry or really enjoy it. my voice tightens with anxiety though, so...
thanks Cocoa, i'm glad you liked it.
i didn't quite get your comment about colours though, i'd hate to think that you'd forgotten for a moment that yellow is a primary colour. ;)
jen, the anxiety you feel is because on some level you care what people think. Of course you do, it's human nature. And I would be scared shitless too. But your work is bloody good, as Cad says, and once you believe that, your anxiety can be replaced with the desire to put your poetry across in the best way and to share it. I think you would get a real buzz from sharing your poetry with an audience.
And no, you don't really need to love yourself to do that. It's about loving your poems.
You write well, but I hate whales.
The subtractive color wheel with RYB is what we learn in art and for mixing paints, dyes etc and is based on absorbing or reflecting wavelengths of light to get different colors. Additive color systems do the opposite by starting with black and adding wavelengths of light to obtain color. The primary additive colors tend to by RGB, presumably because you end up with a larger gamut of color options with this system and these primaries. So, the way your poem was set up led me to think of how it starts darker and adds light to the primaries to end up with a yellow (reflecting the glow) and the metaphorical addition of light. Sorry, I've read far too much into this but it works for me.
i DOnt like poems not for seriosly complaints. not understand.
this is sufficiently depressing
smugz, thank you so much! i would love to get up there and spit it all over the place, if ever there was a such a place ;) i'll keep growing i guess.
unk, who the hell hates whales?? how perplexing, thanks for the comment.
cocoa, that is very awesome, and i believe in such colour schemes, as why the yellow is last, to illuminate, but subconsciously, moreso, thanks for your input and for reading into it.
thanks leaf, through all your mumbling.
AtomBomb, i'm happy you liked the poem, thanks for reading.
sufficiently depressing? well i'm glad i hit a nerve. i had nerves writing this, and some were depressed, yes.
just so surprised at the faving, i didn't know how this would be received, it's really different for me, and i really delved outside myself to feel the moves, and connect with the motions i was going through when i looked behind me, what lay in the past. thanks to all of you. =-)
Jen, you really make it worth coming to PC. i couldn't expect anything more from your poetry, if you want to know the truth.
this has nothing to do with your poem but i've had some problems lately, which is why i can't really give a more in-depth critique on your poem. plus i have school tomorrow so i have to get going. but, i hope you'll take a raincheck.
for now, good poem. this one needs to be analyzed a bit. a lot of poems here do, of course, but this one does too it would seem.
thanks listen, hope you return with a bang soon. bang, hehe. sorry. =-)
and to the people who have faved and not commented, i have not been on the poem in awhile, so i didn't see the numbers rise-- thank you very much!
I have not been to the site for months, maybe even a year, and what do I find when I return - a jewel from you. Beautiful rhythm (if that even makes sense), masterful choice of words, the music is everywhere and I cannot stop myself reading this over and over again
Jen, you really should think about publishing - really.
I concur with that sentiment, cocoa, I believe she could publish with no problem.
cocoa, paul, i'm very thankful for your kind words and encouragment. i am very happy to know that you feel that way. =-)
maria, fair lady! where have you been busy bee? i am so happy to see you were here. and wow, so surprised by your comment. thank you so much! i have missed you. i hope you're doing fantastically. =-)
green doesnt belong
cliche at best, word vomit otherwise
green belongs. =-)
This is ok. but only ok and of course if this were less of a social network and more of the actual truth this would not be in the top rated list, but of course this is a social club and there are plenty of word pimps to go round.
i quite agree with that statement, but i don't put much stock in ratings or the top lists, so it doesn't really matter what happens to the poems, as far as im concerned. it's just about reading what's out there and sharing an opinion. i'm just happy to be read now and again.
so thanks for reading, i appreciate your comment.
Very much like how you've given a color to each stanza. L4 stands out above the rest for me while reading....love the image of a "navy" breeze.
My Manta Ray wants to swim with your Orca.
Can't we all just get along???
This is good work, but you know that.
My only critique would be to ditch the "and" at the beginning of line 19.
You don't need it and it's "wimpy" to start a line with "and" (or but, the, etc.)
forbes, thanks a bunch, you know, i hummed and hawed at all the 'ands' beginning the second line of each stanza since i wrote this. it bothered me, but not enough to change it, because something about 'blue and glass blown' felt rhythmical to me., yet at some point, not.
how do i take out the 'and' in L19, and not the others? so, i have taken them all out and will see if it improves for me. time will only tell.
thanks for the keen eye, and where the hell is the manta ray? recognize that name, i do, but find it, i could not.
thanks for reading my shit today =-)
got any new recipes?? haha
ok that took all of two seconds to see that i hate it without the ands.
i did take out the 19th though. does it still feel balanced?
oh my, how can you tell a person was does and does not belong in their descriptions? i enjoy the contracts between admiration and guilt in this poem, its a shame moments cant be erased, regrettable moments that become rusted to ones heart. very vivid and nostalgic, yet beautiful
This looks GREAT with only one "and" in it. I think it doesn't suffer AT ALL from the edit. My "manta ray" poem is actually called Neptune's Nymph.
a beautiful poem for sure
a sense of longing is so vividly portrayed
moments like this are snap shot and repeated
you'll meet again
sea salt breeze tickling your nose
sorry it has taken so long to reply. but, as promised, i have a little review for your poem.
first off, i liked the colors. each color corresponded perfectly with the corresponding stanza. it is almost as though you're painting a picture, with different strokes, different shades. it works well.
the imagery itself is good as well. it would have to be, to do justice for the colors ... which it did, with no problem.
i always like your word choices. this is another example of why you choose words so well. none of your poems are in excess of words, which is hard to do sometimes, but you do it with no problem.
i also liked the play on words with kin, as it sounds like skin. the way you have the stanza structured, you think of blood beneath the skin, raging.
the last stanza might be the best. ghost mosaic is a nice word construction.
to me, this poem is about relationships. i might be way wrong, but it is the interpretation i got. it seems you're writing about the past, how it becomes a ghost, how it scarcely ceases to exist. ensuring hope.
going back to the kin reference, you also did that poetry technique with the first stanza, with glass blown, corresponding with breeze. cool technique. you really are saying quite a few things with each stanza, it would seem.
i'm sorry i've taken so long. but this is a good piece. colorful. vibrant.
love the 1st stanza
especially L2, 3, and 4.
would a colour in L2 (3 syls and no colour)match the 2nd line of the other stanza (4 syls and a colour)
L10 feels a little overly dramatic (i think it's the word grave)
love all the 3nd stanza except L17 (wise)
the last line feels to much.
apart from seeing them and maybe passing through a similar evolutionary stage was there ever a past.
that said i do enjoy the way you write and this is one of my faves.
thanks for the read.
you have written a beautiful poem here, jen, splaying the colors of the sea against your memories and longings. i read through some of the comments and i agree that the reading of this would be a lyrical delight. you are adept at many styles, jen, and you create wonderful images with your words which would tickle not only the mind, but the ear as well.
listen! thanks for returning your thoughts to the sea. i appreciate your words :)
billy, hi. thanks for the wonderful crit. though i'm not fully understanding your thoughts on the syllables in the first part of your thoughts.
grave: dramatic, yes. i suppose it's a dramatic poem, but grave is needed, for the death. and wise, well, i never like that line much anyway. i struggled most with that. thought it was 'roots' that stumped though, not 'wise'.
and past, well, what can i say. the poems' about re-visiting your roots after so many long years. thanks for liking this one, not sure though if i can revise it at this point. it might take a year until i can re-read this and know the right words, because yes, you make good points.
tandi, you flatter me with such compliments. thank you for reading this poem.
You have a talent for writing keep it up.....ill be looking forward on reading some of your new poems.....
i like green
9 for effort 6 for application
oh funking hell
how the fu%k do we give a seven point five.
thank you sir. true, green melons aren't soft and ripe.
Its such a sweet theme
(gosh, I think I just spoke with a lisp!, lol).
No crits. A truly good poem.
Of course I love this.
How could I not?
i like it... my only gripe is when you bring in the "grave" image. Rest of the poem is doused in the flavor of true-blue-burning passion and "grave" ruins it for me. maybe it was necessary for you to put that in, ill jus ignore that part and read on :D
Trainers at Sea World...num, num, num, num. It was reported the Killer Whale turned savage, but I reckon it just turned Killer Whale.
This poem gets new life thanks to recent headlines...
blue red green yellow
thanks reid, casio, cervus, troch, forbes, unk
looking again after many months, i have made some edits. you may not even spot them, but i think it's an improvement.
west-end, funny,,i wrote this when i was in the west-end, thanks for faving :)
l22 made me go damn. Beautiful imagry, made me want to go to the beach =]
your poem captures so many feelings that I could never express. WELL DONE!
I haven't been able to look at this poem for a very long time, it would make me cringe. I still can't believe how many people praised it, and told me to go seek a publisher. I am very confused. At the time I probably thought this was a good poem, but it never sat right with me from the start.
After 3 years I have had a look again and made some significant changes. I don't know if it improves this work, and I'm sure it won't get reviewed, but whatever.
Firstly, I took out all the obvious things. each line began with a colour: blue/red/green/yellow. they are gone. I don't miss them.
I took out the 'ands' that connected the colour words, (thx forbs).
I took out "grave" as per Trochee's suggestion. Grave sucked.
In the 'green' stanza, I removed 'roots torn from the wise' (thx billy), god i hated that line.
I took out 'melon swim'. even I didn't fucking get that. so thanks unknown.
Now I will let it steep and see what it does for me. thanks for everything all those years ago. :D