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you're my cigarette in the best pack of parliament lights
nikkimint55

i wanted to develop a craving for something that i'd have guaranteed access to... because you're not it; so i began smoking.
 1
 
 
i'd quit but it's too hard so i'll call you incessantly
 2
it will ring and ring and i will inhale and inhale
 3
until your voice hits my lungs and i smoke you into my world of you and me and our togetherness in my mind
 4
 
 
it hurts sometimes, i breathe too hard and your answers are far too short
 5
like the breaths i take; i cough, i wheeze, just please pick up so this can stop.
 6
 
 
i'd put you out but somehow i love the burn.
 7
and i don't understand how you can ignore me like this.
 8
 
 
it's like i'm putting my lighter towards you and you refuse to light up... you won't pick up.
 9
you're my tobacco and you're wetter than i am when i'm with you and you're winning the game against my flame.
 10
 
 
i try to keep you in my lungs until you fight for me to exhale, until you disperse and drift away. it goes straight to voicemail.
 11
 
 
so i try to catch you but you escape from my grasp.
 12
i need to take another drag, so i will call you again.
 13
 
 
if you tell me how i can put you out for good, i'll do it.
 14
but you're there eternally, and you always taste the same. the ring, it sounds the same.
 15
 
 
i don't want camels and i don't want marlboros. you're a unique blend, and i don't want virginia slims either.
 16
 
 
they're just as bad for me, but as far as bad goes, you're the best.
 17
i'll excuse your behavior--your cussing, your disinterest, your ignorance.
 18
after all, you're parliament "lights"--so you're not as bad, as strong, or as destructive. the dial tone isn't loud, so my hearing won't be damaged.
 19
 
 
and there's that stupid skinny LA bitch, smoking you with ease.
 20
i wonder why you treat her better than you treat me, if her lungs are as black as mine, or her heart as broken. do you pick up on her?
 21
 
 
you're taking up time and space in my mind, and years away from how long i'd live...
 22
if you never existed.
 23
 
 
just let me finish this pack and pick up the phone. i promise i'll quit... someday.
 24

13 Oct 09

Rated 9 (8.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (8): 1, 6, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

5*****
 — unknown

I liked the way this started but it really became unfocused. Maybe try tightening it up and finding the metaphor which is screaming to come out and you might have something here.
 — Cocoa

love the title, like the idea you are working with... but it needs trimming. I agree with Cocoa, I like how it started but then it becomes messy and unfocused. Try and get back to the central idea---organize and cut some of it.
 — SarahMichele

better?
 — nikkimint55

I like the idea of this--
in a way, kind of reminds me of one I wrote (I am smoke)
though mine would be a condensed version...
fave lines are 9, 19-20
*tobacco...line #9
overall, nice write
 — JKWeb

*thumbs up*
 — nikkimint55

I like the idea, but I feel like you are beating the reader over the head with the extended metaphor. It's overwhelming to read. I like the message, but the delivery needs some cutting/toning down.
 — cubbzor

Hey...just read this.  I concur with the other crits and tobacco is spelled wrong in L9.  It's with an "o" not an "a."  You've got the idea though; you're just over elaborating it, I think.  :-)
 — starr

thankss
 — nikkimint55

Ironically, I was listening to Dragonette's "Pick Up the Phone" as I read this... I love the cigarette metaphor (something I'm using in my own new work heavily; have you read the Millay sonnet "Only until this cigarette is ended"?).

Anyway, I love the desperate way you compare smoking with this not-so-past relationship: at times it feels like you're stretching, but this fits the tone of someone begging for one more fix... very nice write.
 — andyleggett

i like the metaphor
 — youareadecep

Too long, very self-centered.  Nothing for the reader.  It's narcissistic poetry, not at it's best.  There is a good point of sorrow in here but it's covered with so much extra stuff that it's nearly impossible to find.
The first verse is actually very good, the key point in writing a poem is knowing when to end.  From what I've seen of your work thus far, I think you can become very good.
 — Isabelle5

shorten the title.
 — youareadecep

niiicee
 — r3dhead69

I think you've fallen in love with your metaphor and can't quit, a word addiction as powerful as nicotine.  For the sake of the poem, it would be good to go ruthlessly through this and get rid of anything that is repetitive.  You can say this more dramatically with less.

As written, it reminds me of a cocktail waitress standing in the alley with one highheel against the brick wall, smoking and talking a mile a minute about nothing but herself.  You must cut!
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle's right. This could be cut down a bit and still be beautiful.

unknown, you may see Isabelle as a bully but atleast she has the guts to post her constructive thoughts under her name. Unlike you, you're a gawdelpus. So if there's someone worth ignoring, I think it has got to be you.
 — raveneffect

i really like this, well done!
 — sodabelly9

the best
 — unknown

wonderf.
 — unknown

favorited!
ahhhhh love it so much :)
And do not shorten the title! its perfect!
 — faith

lighting, inhaling and stubbing out never seemed so complicated
 — unknown

i miss this poem
 — unknown

thank youu!
 — nikkimint55

As I am in this exact situation right now...this resonates deeply.  You've done a stellar job with this.  Very impressed.
 — sybarite

you've taken the long metaphor on this poem and made the poem a long plaint complete with coughs, hacks and some bile -- however, I enjoyed the comparative obsession and addiction spelled out over 'n over -- it could've been done with one or two cigarettes instead of the whole pack -- now you've got butt's piling up by the phone and your lighter has grown cold and empty and alone -- you'd say anything with a cigarette hanging from your lip: tempus fugit -- nice writing
 — AlchemiA

lol the best
 — unknown

edited.
 — nikkimint55

:)
 — unknown

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