poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Removal Necessity

She really loved you,
you know. Too bad you never noticed,
being too infatuated by your ego.
And by the heat you felt in your
body every time you saw her.
She was beautiful—actually, that
word was an understatement
if there ever was one, the word
ugly compared to what she really was.
Compassionate, unlike you.
Always refusing to kiss up to you,
as there were more genuine ways
to show love;
always tailoring her every move
to make you as happy as you could be.
Thinking for herself, that is,
always keeping your interest,
seducing you on a path
to your own ability to use your
empty skull.
I'm not sure what she saw in you.
But there was plenty to see in her.
Good thing there was someone there
to throw you in prison for the rest
of your life when you
hit her for the last time.
I know she loved you but I'm still
surprised she tried to
get you back into your house,
where you could once again
use her sex as your fix.
Her attempts thankfully didn't matter,
as they really look down on rapists,
where you now live.
Barely keeping you alive,
only so you moan her name every day.
Making you wish you could go
back and love her for real.

5 Nov 09

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 8

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha



harsh words my friend, but i love them!
i'd tighten by removing a few words here and there.  sounds like he was infatuated 'with' his ego.  
so, was she beautiful?  i'm not sure by this stanza, if you truly think that.  maybe it's just a bit confusing.

'unlike you, she was compassionate--
refusing to kiss-up,
showing genuine ways
to love you, tailoring her
every move, to keep you happy."  

rather than write a long para about what i meant, i just thought i'd write out the structure so you could see what i mean.  however, saying she was compassionate then following with her refusal to be submissive, doesn't really show us her compassion, it's almost as if you've chosen the wrong trait for the stanza.  i'd say she was more 'devoted' or 'genuine' or 'real', to love for love, and not for anything else.

you have the biggest heart, you write with it, and allow me to feel, every time.
the ending was sharp, i wouldn't have 35-38 with any white space, but that's just me.  thanks for sharing this poem.  hope all's well.  
 — jenakajoffer

Powerful piece.  Nice work.
 — sybarite

You certainly do have a way with words, listen.  I didn't know where this was going until stanza 6 six hit me up side the head.  A very strong and powerful write, my friend.
 — PaulS

Recent Best (expand)