| opus for the ocean
|
aurelius
| gently corrosive | 1 |
sea, so seldom | 2 |
curious, how | 3 |
do you abide | 4 |
the masterful cliff | 5 |
thumbing its chin | 6 |
at vagabonds? | 7 |
| |
envy of the bald | 8 |
and mopey sky, | 9 |
who gloats at | 10 |
flight and sings | 11 |
of exodus, how | 12 |
smothering are | 13 |
its croons and | 14 |
whispers? | 15 |
| |
you must take | 16 |
refuge deep | 17 |
below, doxy | 18 |
of the moon, | 19 |
pull as a mother | 20 |
sucking breath | 21 |
when her child | 22 |
suffers. | 23 |
| |
for the earth | 24 |
expiring will | 25 |
plumb you hard | 26 |
as thieves, seize | 27 |
your church in | 28 |
iron tanks, pour | 29 |
you dribbling | 30 |
in a paper cup. | 31 |
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6 Nov 09 |
Rated 8.9 (8.8) by 19 users.
Active (19): 1, 5, 6, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(23 more poems by this author)
(8 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wow! This is good stuff. Your metaphor is some of the best I've read, and the imagery is very vivid. Love it, thank you.
— JohnW
god love these carefully chosen scenes!
a film, a portrait and poem!
what can i say, 'thumbing its chin' and 'envy of the bald and mopey sky'...
this is brilliant. and me oh my, what is 'doxy'?
my only suggestion is for lines 20-23.
feeling this section doesn't flow as well as it should,
and i find 'as does' and 'suck breath' falls completely flat
in comparison to the rest of this poem.
perhaps
"pulling, as
her child dies
in mother's
drawn breath"
or
"pull, as a mother
draws breath
when her child dies"
anything to that effect?
whatever, great poem, as always.
thanks for posting. =-)
— jenakajoffer
Thanks to both of you.
Jen, drawing breath doesn't accurately capture the shock I'm looking for, but I think I have a compromise.
— aurelius
yeah, i realized after i posted my comment that it was 'suck for shock',
so, yes, draw isn't as captivating,
but suck just feels too vile, violent,
not like mother.
what's the compromise?
— jenakajoffer
ah, yes i see.
that is better. =-)
though if my child died, i think i would heave.
i'd be more sick than shocked.
ha, i'm so opinionated! sorry. ;)
love your poem
— jenakajoffer
the sense of old language, a Shakespearean language almost, flitting in and out of this modern (epic) portrayal of the sea, makes this a most enjoyable read.
— jharrison
good control of language your images are confident.
— Caducus
Gorgeous! :-)
— starr
i faved this tonight, because it's beautiful,
but for many other reasons,
those being my closeness to the sea
for the paintings and patches of orange,
and the expression in your voice (which i love).
lovely--
all but one word that hurts me,
and i have been silent as to not stain your voice,
but i wouldn't be truthful i didn't tell you that 'rapists'
could very easily be
'thieves'.
— jenakajoffer
killer poem-
though I agree with jen
about replacing 'rapists' with 'thieves' --
otherwise, masterfully crafted
— JKWeb
If she changed the word rapists then the line would not make sense, read the the words before rapist.
— unknown
(6)
— unknown
i read them.
— jenakajoffer
very beautiful, 16-21 and all of S1 are well written, you should be chuffed with this.
Caducus
— unknown
The imagery in this poem is breathtaking and the title fits it perfectly. Wonderful work :)
— PaulS
i still say rapists is a bad choice, but now i'm saying it for sound and rhythm purposes alone. a one syllable word would be the best choice here.
i know, the deed is done, but nothing is ever really done.
beautiful to read once again, aureo
:)
— jenakajoffer
A pretty poem.
— psychofemale
This is awful!
— unknown
love the last stanza the most, although it is the darkest.
— Callisto
Amazing, startling, beautiful. I am in awe and envy. Particularly loved the l20 -23
— crimsonkiss
Wonderful.... j.g. smiles
— goeszon
I had to really look to find something amiss. The first read went off without a hitch, so I'd say the nit I have is probably unimportant, but I'll share it anyway:
It's your modifier for cliff. It personifies, which is apt, considering the metaphorical nature of this; but I'm not yet understanding your choice. Maybe after another cup of coffee it'll come to me.
Great stuff though.
— A
I appreciate your recent attention to my work, A.
It has to do with the relationship between the ocean and the shore, and their contrasting natures.
Drink your coffee and get back to me.
— aurelius
I can see that the personified cliff, a bit pompous, believes itself to be the master, but the sea and the owner of the overseeing voice know better. It's an inkling, that's all.
— A
does the content really save the form? it seems like the form is borrowed from 'poetry writing', and anything in the 'poem' is supposed to be pure just because the form is high-class?
— bmikebauer
I don't know, mike. Sure.
— aurelius
Tell me good sir, if you please.
When shall we be expecting another installment?
— unknown
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
exodus is a capital E
— Jonnyboy
'lower-case' keeps the word inside the poem, and making the thing 'Exodus' into a way of existence, a thing like any other thing, keeps the tone of the poem moving towards it's real content. putting a cap there would be like sticking a major triad inside a piece by debussy... 'claire de lune' or something. it'd be an announcement, not a voice in the music. i really think the poet and poem create a new grammar with each poem, and all the old marks and clues are modified to say exactly what the poet wants to say and how it should be said.
— bmikebauer
i think this is brilliant. ~selah~
— mandolyn
When?
— unknown
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