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Ancestral Wind
PaulS

My little dog turns to face the wind,
 1
as it whistles under the eaves
 2
and sends the limbs of leafless trees
 3
into a cacophonic clatter.
 4
 
 
She is timid and usually shies away
 5
from such commotion,
 6
but tonight, under a sheet of
 7
perfect stars, tail curved over her back,
 8
 
 
she stands her ground with a
 9
primal posture,
 10
nostrils sniffing the wind,
 11
as if she can smell the bones
 12
 
 
of her ancestors,
 13
an ancient bloodline
 14
that ripples through her body
 15
from ruff, to withers, to loin.
 16
 
 
She barks once, lopes back home,
 17
looks up at me with black eyes
 18
pooled with longing,
 19
as if to say,
 20
 
 
no kibbles tonight—
 21
 
 
tonight I want meat—
 22
 
 
red meat.
 23

6 Dec 09

Rated 9 (7.3) by 8 users.
Active (8): 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 1, 1, 5, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

great poem-
I especially like lines 1-23..
nice write
 — JKWeb

PaulS   only you could write something about a doggie and it would turn out fun... just like being there with the whole scene... then ended it up like you did thanks for the entertainment and the smile this Sunday after noon after a rotten week... J.G. Smiles
 — goeszon

Thanks for the read and fave, JK.
 — PaulS

Hey, goeszon, thanks for reading.  I'm glad you liked this and it put a smile on your face:)
 — PaulS

Small edits made.
 — PaulS

Feedback?
 — PaulS

a ten, but it's not the kind of poem i'd comment on without going into a dialog with you on what poetry is, and i know you won't go there. this poem is here, there, and that's what's important, like all the poems posted here.
 — bmikebauer

verities of realEYEsed looks with a companion on the ground following you like a shadow around -- this is well crafted Pauls because the words are fitting, sculpting moments for our inner eye complete with sounds, stars and a wit that's wry
 — AlchemiA

Mike: I always listen to what you have to say--I don't always agree, but I do listen.

AlchemiA:  Thank you for such a gracious comment.
 — PaulS

This is priceless, a tale of a dog who suddenly remembered her wolf roots.  I love the ending.  I might delete most of the commas in line 16, I don't believe you need them.  You might want to add a modifier in front of black eyes in line 18, perhaps wolfish?  That might be too blatant but I love descriptors in poetry.  Excellent job.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks for the feedback Isabelle.  I put the commas in L16 to slow the line down but I'll think about your suggestion.  I did have a modifier before black eyes but took it out because I thought it was to much, but I will re-think that also.
 — PaulS

Hey, Paul:  I like this a lot.  Your writing continues to get better and better.  This has such a crispness about it and it's very sensuous.  My only grievance is the mention of "kibbles" in L21; it's too cute and where this isn't a "cute" kind of poem, it takes the focus immediately off the ancestors and puts it directly on the doggie and serves more of a distraction than it does anything else.  If there ARE actually dogs buried around there, you might explore this a little more deeply so that it becomes clearer and ties in more with the poem.  Otherwise, your muse becomes more and more seasoned.  Keep up the good work.  :-)
 — starr

Thanks for the comment starr, it's much appreciated.  The bones of her ancestors are not the bones of other dogs buried around here.  the bones of her ancestors are the bones of wolves from centuries past--kibbles just brings it back into focus of what she actually is now--hope that helps.
 — PaulS

Paul, you are one of the few here that have it. You understand the ideal of writing with an eye more toward what you are writing than about the 'big words' you think you should use. BRAVO!
 — unknown

amusing too i might add!:)
 — unknown

(3)
 — unknown

Thanks unknown, I'm humbled by your generous comment.
 — PaulS

ok paul, don't hate me,
but when i saw the title it made me think of grandad's fart, haha!
poor little doggie in that cacophonic clatter!
you could totally read this poem with that theme, it's hilarious.

ok sorry.  i like the wording, but i am a bit lost in the last few lines, i mean, what meat?  lines 17-20 kind of lose it for me, but i know where your heart is, and i know this a poem that inflicts warmth, so, if anything, i'd find where the lead-up for the meat is.  
thanks for sharing paul, hope you don't mind my stupid humour.
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks jen--it all has to do with her wolf roots--her ancient ancestors.
 — PaulS

I think part of the confusion for me Paul, was that i did not get a wolfie feeling about this dog at all.  what with 'little dog' and 'timid' and 'shy' (though wolves tend to be), but even the word 'kibbles' made me think more of a dog like benji, or...molly.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Jen, I actually thought part of the charm of this is that many dogs don't look wolfish anymore but at the DNA level, they are related to the most wild of dogs.  I loved that this little creature yapped up for the meat her bones craved.  I like the contrast of kibbles, which sounds so bland and benign, with the image of snarling, red-muzzled animals in a dark forest under a full moon.

Okay, so I read some things into a poem when I read!  haha
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle--your interpretation of the poem is EXACTLY what I was trying to convey.
 — PaulS

I think a pefect ending would be if you added

and so do I.

The connection of your own ancestral roots, meat eating primates!  
 — Isabelle5

Ha ha ha--Isabelle that last comment sounds like "meat" for another poem.
 — PaulS

Normally you woo me with your words but this one has too much saccharine though after reading Hughes 'Crow' I am in a perpetual state of darkness lol.
 — unknown

dang it!!!
i just wrote a comment and clicked post without doing the little tricky letter gizmo and now i have to write it again. i revised your poem to demonstrate the suggestions i made, but i'll just give you the suggestions...

there are two thins i wanted to say: how you arrange things is the difference between narration and imagery. so if you arrange things a certain way, rather than being a narration of an image, the poem becomes and imagining of a story, which may not be your goal, but which is usually mine...
the more important thing i wanted to mention is that something you should maybe consider, argue with, and try employing is the idea of using details which are not absolutely imperative only when they are used to turn a phrase down another slinky corridor of your labyrinth text.


now, i really liked this poem, very much...from line nine to the end, your language spun out quite nicely and the ending was real nice...thank you for the post, it was indeed beautiful...
 — unknown

the comment just before this one, i made and my name is rlw2759
 — unknown

Thanks to the two unknowns who took the time to read and comment on this poem.  Also, thanks to whoever gave the three 1's, you are really standup people.
I don't mind the 1's but I would like comments as to why they were given.  If you don't like the poem I can understand that, just say so.
 — PaulS

it was i who made the two unkown comments, before i got an account i think...
it was not i who gave you the 1's...

i'm giving you a nine! :)

were my comments unhelpful? they were suggestions, broad ones...
i didn't tell you line blah blah blah should be dropped out or that you use too many conjunctions or something totally picky like that...
were they not good ideas?
i meant everything i said, and i wrote with kindness, i think, so please tell me if my comments were offensive...
 — rlw2759

didn't do all the unkowns! just the last two
 — rlw2759

rlw, your comments were not offenive at all, thanks again for reading.
 — PaulS

when i read the title, i thought it was going to be a funny farting poem. (i like that kind of stuff)

anyway on reading i found it wasn't. No worries though because i found it amusing via a non-slapstick route.
a little telly but for me that's what made the poem shine.

including the title i read wind 3 times. it works in the title and in one of the other two place, either of them but not both. two for me is fine and three was a wasted chance of an image.

why i really like it is this. it's one of those poems you can actually be really picky on while at the same time being one of those poems you really would change.

i liked it on more than one level. i love the title too.
 — billy423uk

oops. how does one edit a comment.

anyway. please read "would" as "wouldn't"
 — billy423uk

Thanks for the feedback billy423uk and I will consider your suggestion about the third wind.
 — PaulS

nice writing. glad you emphasized the last three lines.
 — listen

Thanks for the comment , listen.
 — PaulS

I read again this a.m.  Enjoyed it as much as the first time I read.  nICE.
 — JKWeb

Thanks for the return visit JK :)
 — PaulS

whatever
 — unknown

Whatever what, Unknown?
 — PaulS

S2 starts the write with more energy.

Scratch 1-4 as deadweight, simplify 17-20 to something like "she barks once, as if to say." the loping part may be accurate, but it doesn't add anything, and pooled with longing is way too cliche.

L12-16 roll really nicely.

Enjoyed the conceit.
 — NicMichaels

oh nice.

really great visuals/victuals

im just wondering . . that primal posture? would it not have tail standing on end as ears and nose pivot/perk to wind/alertness? the description of the tail curved over her back seemed incongruous with that moment (primal) you describe at that juncture

and frankly, poetic license aligned with call of the wild only comes once in a canaan lifetime

????


unless of course you extend the tale and nail it to a halo

bop

bop bop


Chesire Cheese Sneeze
 — unknown

ancestral wind = old fart?
 — unknown

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 — goeszon

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