poetry critical

online poetry workshop

haiku loop

the rainbow has nothing over you,
carved sky, haiku, you'ell and yes
my brazen tongue has left me
for another.
silence over springs, mattressed
between the body of the floor
and glint of your skin, (my)
signal of love transmitted to
the evolution tree.  
over this, or over you,
spilled out, heartless mass
masting over you.

20 Dec 09

Rated 9.7 (8.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7
Inactive (9): 6, 6, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(365 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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 — AlchemiA

very nice.
 — ashtray

am i missing something?
why has every other poem here a
connection to the cyborg poem.
the title for me makes the poem feel
obtuse. it's certainly not a haiku or a loop of them.
i love some of the images and some of the word play
but it feels trite. it screams out i am not a haiku.
obviously the last line carries a meaning but to the
unknowing it's really carrying confusion.
comes across as a bit of a gargle (lesson in clearing a throat)
 — billy423uk

your title sucks. never self reference. but yes godammit yes i liked your spring matress. yes i was expecting a 3 stanza snake eating head like haiku loop not so many words. bad marketing.
 — unknown

i just changed my rating from an 8 to a 9.
i looked at my previous comment and it seems really shitty (as in bad)
read it about 20 times now (the poem) and it's getting better with each read.

still struggling with the title but that's prob my fault.
got the jiz of the poem the last 3 lines have really grown on me as a solid image
 — billy423uk

typo? mastisizing? might just be my mind. wondering. fractals. tumors. rumors. that sort of thang. i am the yankee doodling
 — unknown

Solid imagery throughout and the first stanza is fabulous.  Nicely done.
 — PaulS

Lol, billy.  You got the jiz of the poem?

Me, I don't want to read this twenty times.  I went for twice and still didn't like it.  I don't know what it's saying at all.
 — aurelius