|Said and Done
Most don’t see it, but we do.
The bone structure, the eye color,
See that scar on her leg?
We both have that.
The bags under her eyes?
We both have that.
Our imaginations are the same.
We’d both like to think they threw us in the car,
kicking and scratching.
It was kidnapping. It was crime.
When we talk, this is what is said.
It’s a dream that’s on repeat.
But it was hope;
it was damnation.
Like shivering, pale bones
offered up to the angriest of
Really, though, it was my fault.
When we are quiet,
this is what’s known.
Really, though, it was her fault.
When we are loud,
this can’t be said.
I told her, “It’s going to be okay.”
I held her hand, and
Walked her through the steps:
Point A to Point B.
But what for what?
We weren’t just the spawns of a catastrophe.
We were children.
11 Jan 10
Rated 10 (8.9) by 8 users.
Active (8): 10
Inactive (15): 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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nice, and sweet. poignant and intelligent. so true, so blue.
nice wording, readable and did what it should -- made me read it for what you say.
I took think this poem is great!
Kept my attention the whole way through...
The last two lines are absolutely heartbreaking. A nice, tight powerful write, Laura352.
Thank you mandolyn and PaulS...
Both of your
Mean a Lot to me XD
favourite lines 5 to 8 and 17 to 19.
only thing i would change would be the title. i feel it is a little weak for such a good poem.
^_^ thanks for the comment raskolniikov!
This was the original title. Any thoughts?
Self to blame, and what do you say when you know the Truth?
I enjoyed this.
Readable and meaningful.
great post. everyline hovers at the fringe of possibilities.
Thanks for the positive comments, liquidproquo and crepaway.
line 16. damnation <- this word i dislike so much. ugh.
line 29. Point A to Point B....ehhh, dislike.
^ personal opinions.
much better than your other 2 pieces...simple, but still somewhat bordering on hackneyed (i.e. 2nd to last stanza).
5.4/10. but i'll bump it up to a 6 :)
you've let our imaginations run on with what is Said and Done -- which is the trick of show but don't tell, you know -- straining to grow with more experiences in the i-me-mine field of near-misses -- life is a slow-cook and a fast-fry where we are eventually over-done; nice-one
Oh, wow. This is so much more professional and moving than what I've seen from you before. Excellent.
Theres something about the grammar that confuses me, I havn't quite pinned it down yet but I think it has to do with the whole switching between pronouns... I'm not sure.
But I love the imagery in 1-8 and then when 9 comes in it kind of ties that all together really really nicely. And those last two lines are stellar.
And I defend the title.
Thanks so much Callisto for commenting on my work. I really value the feedback you've given me.
I've read it over and over again trying to figure out what it is that's confusing you, but am still unsure. If you figure it out, let me know :)
Reread it when I was a bit more awake. Never mind about the whole confusion thing.
Only thing is was there damnnation [16 and 19] twice before? I remember reading it once but I could be wrong...
Yeah there was always two "damnations" lol :)
Musta been pretty tired, huh? Lol ^^
For me, sleep is non-existent. Only times of tired and times of kinda awake. I write and read new things in tired and edit when I'm kinda awake.
Hmmm interesting. Karin Andersson has said that she writes all of her songs while in that sort of state. Guess it works lol. Though her songs are kind of...out there. XD
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^ I really think the mods should delete stuff like that.
Oh my gosh, this is great! Lines like L20-25 are the reason I reason poetry. Not the words, but the images. 10. =]
Thanks for the look, radiogirl.
You're so nice! ^_^