poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Said and Done
laura352

Most don’t see it, but we do.
 1
We know.
 2
The bone structure, the eye color,
 3
The chin.
 4
See that scar on her leg?
 5
We both have that.
 6
The bags under her eyes?
 7
We both have that.
 8
 
 
Our imaginations are the same.
 9
 
 
We’d both like to think they threw us in the car,
 10
kicking and scratching.
 11
It was kidnapping. It was crime.
 12
When we talk, this is what is said.
 13
It’s a dream that’s on repeat.
 14
But it was hope;
 15
it was damnation.
 16
Like shivering, pale bones
 17
offered up to the angriest of
 18
Gods, damnation.
 19
 
 
Really, though, it was my fault.
 20
When we are quiet,
 21
this is what’s known.
 22
 
 
Really, though, it was her fault.
 23
When we are loud,
 24
this can’t be said.
 25
 
 
I told her, “It’s going to be okay.”
 26
I held her hand, and
 27
Walked her through the steps:
 28
Point A to Point B.
 29
But what for what?
 30
 
 
We weren’t just the spawns of a catastrophe.
 31
We were children.
 32

11 Jan 10

Rated 10 (8.9) by 8 users.
Active (8): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(7 more poems by this author)

(7 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

nice, and sweet. poignant and intelligent. so true, so blue.

nice wording, readable and did what it should -- made me read it for what you say.
 — bmikebauer

Thank you
for
the
comment,
bmikebauer XD
 — laura352

I took think this poem is great!
Kept my attention the whole way through...
: D
 — mandolyn

The last two lines are absolutely heartbreaking.  A nice, tight powerful write, Laura352.
 — PaulS

Thank you mandolyn and PaulS...
Both of your
comments really
Mean a Lot to me XD
 — laura352

brilliant.

favourite lines 5 to 8 and 17 to 19.

only thing i would change would be the title. i feel it is a little weak for such a good poem.
 — raskolniikov

^_^ thanks for the comment raskolniikov!

This was the original title. Any thoughts?
 — laura352

Self to blame, and what do you say when you know the Truth?
I enjoyed this.
Readable and meaningful.
 — Empty

Well said.
 — liquidproquo

great post. everyline hovers at the fringe of possibilities.
 — crepaway

Thanks for the positive comments, liquidproquo and crepaway.

XD
 — laura352

line 16. damnation <- this word i dislike so much. ugh.
line 29. Point A to Point B....ehhh, dislike.

^ personal opinions.

much better than your other 2 pieces...simple, but still somewhat bordering on hackneyed (i.e. 2nd to last stanza).

5.4/10. but i'll bump it up to a 6 :)
 — Sequiturist

you've let our imaginations run on with what is Said and Done -- which is the trick of show but don't tell, you know -- straining to grow with more experiences in the i-me-mine field of near-misses -- life is a slow-cook and a fast-fry where we are eventually over-done; nice-one
 — AlchemiA

Oh, wow.  This is so much more professional and moving than what I've seen from you before.  Excellent.
 — aurelius

Thanks, aurelius.
 — laura352

Theres something about the grammar that confuses me, I havn't quite pinned it down yet but I think it has to do with the whole switching between pronouns... I'm not sure.

But I love the imagery in 1-8 and then when 9 comes in it kind of ties that all together really really nicely. And those last two lines are stellar.
 — Callisto

And I defend the title.
 — Callisto

Thanks so much Callisto for commenting on my work. I really value the feedback you've given me.

I've read it over and over again trying to figure out what it is that's confusing you, but am still unsure. If you figure it out, let me know :)
 — laura352

Reread it when I was a bit more awake. Never mind about the whole confusion thing.

Only thing is was there damnnation [16 and 19] twice before? I remember reading it once but I could be wrong...
 — Callisto

Yeah there was always two "damnations" lol :)

Musta been pretty tired, huh? Lol ^^
 — laura352

For me, sleep is non-existent. Only times of tired and times of kinda awake. I write and read new things in tired and edit when I'm kinda awake.
 — Callisto

Hmmm interesting. Karin Andersson has said that she writes all of her songs while in that sort of state. Guess it works lol. Though her songs are kind of...out there. XD
 — laura352

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 — unknown

^ I really think the mods should delete stuff like that.

>.<
 —
laura352

Oh my gosh, this is great! Lines like L20-25 are the reason I reason poetry. Not the words, but the images. 10. =]
 — radiogirl

Thanks for the look, radiogirl.

<3

You're so nice! ^_^
 — laura352

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