Ouch--sharp and pointed. Not a word wasted. Well done. — sybarite
well-stated and for the record, under-rated — AlchemiA
Thank you very much Sybarite and AlchemiA for your kind words. I fully intended this to be sharp and pointed, if only to serve in poking and prodding. I appreciate the read, ratings and the time taken to comment. — EpicPants
this is sad
you are sad — unknown
I think you should change the preposition "in" in L1 to "on" and in L5, "in" to "inside." You want to go for the greatest effect and by choosing the right words (no matter how small,) you will get that effect across. This is both powerful and disturbing and masterfully executed with a minimum of words. It's sad (in a way,) but in another way, it's true. There but for the grace of God go I. You just reminded me to send my $10.00 tomorrow when I get paid too, so thanks 4 that. :-) — starr
unk - I am sad, generally. Makes it easier to deal with everything else.
starr - thank you very much. The 'in' in L2 was a deliberate choice in terms of context. I understand that normally you would say "on the television set" or "on the radio," but in selecting 'in' I was trying to convey a concept of it existing within the confines of the box of a television or in the radio waves as something that simply travels. Perhaps my choice was superfluous (?). "Inside" seems a little awkward to me when reading L6 but I will swish it around in my head before I dismiss it. Most suggestions tend to only add and not detract from my poems so I will - knowing that - listen to it a few more times.
Thanks for the kind words, suggestions and support. — EpicPants
I rated this poem a "10" and favorited it because it's sooooooooooo real! The sentiments are spot on and there's so much more to say about its simple yet potent verbal presentation. It's excellently written and there is a very quiet, monstrous metaphor lurking under its surface. I commend you for paying attention to what's inside your keen observant mind's eye. I'm proud of you! This one kick ass. May the people of Haiti find their recovery sooner than later. — starr
Ah, yes. I agree with starr, this is a kick ass poem--apathy is alive and well in the land of the free. — PaulS
Also, Eric- Something else just occured to me. You've written it in First Person Singular from L's 2-7, however in the last line you switch to First Person Plural. Why? When we refer to America, we usually say "we" just like a favorite football team..."we won!" See? So my suggestion is to change all the "I's" to "we's" to reflect that the real speaker here is America (which it IS) and not you. I rated this a "10" btw because it's got so much potential and it says so much and just slams your ass in the end. Think this over and make these changes if you agree with me. Peace! :--) — starr