| EXPECTING
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joshcoops
| You call me into the bathroom | 1 |
to show the little white test | 2 |
saying yes— | 3 |
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and I fumble through the morning, | 4 |
thinking of nothing else. | 5 |
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After a routine trip through the kitchen | 6 |
I lift a mug to my mouth and find no coffee, | 7 |
as I forgot to pour it, | 8 |
only the small cool splash of cream. | 9 |
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What else do we add | 10 |
to make the bitterness | 11 |
so savory and worthwhile? | 12 |
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3 Feb 10 |
Rated 9 (9.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 10
(define the words in this poem)
(2 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Del L4-L5. L6 In the kitchen. L7 find better words than "little red." Remember all senses. L8 is poorly worded. The way I read this poem, the relationship like the coffee is bitter, the news of a child is pleasant cream. If I am supposed to read it differently, I didn't. I like the way you linked the details and the events, save the lazy little red mug thing.
— NicMichaels
thanks Nic,
you read it right.
very useful critiques. Though, Im gonna have trouble deleting L4-5 and 'in the kitchen', because it is what describes why i forgot to pour coffee into the mug. Although, it does need reworking for sure. 'Little Red' is pretty awful though, i guess i was trying to force a parallel with 'little white' (L2) as well as induce the image of red which predominates many pregnancy connotations.
L8 is poorly worded.
i appreciate your thgouhts
— joshcoops
oh, it's so profound.....so...so...so...so?
— unknown
made some changes. whatever.
— joshcoops
Glad you found some use. Actually, I meant write L6 as In the kitchen. It's less wordy but still puts you in the room. I saw what you were doing with the mug and test parallels; I just think you have more skill than that, so it's a working line to improve. Sorry about unk being so so so so profoundly rude. Keep the faith. An old newspaper editor of mine used to say, "Writing well is the best revenge."
— NicMichaels
Footnote: Consider a transition from L3 to L9 like "Distracted, I lift an empty/cup to my mouth finding/cool splashes of cream and confusion."
— NicMichaels
some small editting needed, but not a horrible poem in all
— unknown
Bitterness seems an odd word in a poem about a new baby coming. Lines 4-5 say it all! haha Are the tests white? They always look blue on tv.
You might not need, "I forgot to pour it." We know you are confused and in shock so we can figure out that line. You need to take out the creme, too, though, you probably would not forget both. When you lift the cup, you realize you never made or poured the coffee, you're on auto pilot.
I don't think savory is the right word. I do not think of coffee and creme as savory. They are many things but savory isn't one of them.
— Isabelle5
thanks is,
some good suggestions there,
i cant take out the cream though, that is the whole point of the poem.
— joshcoops
Perhaps then you could say something like
"How could I forget to add the bitterness to this small cool splash of cream?
or It's as if I forgot to add the bitterness....
I still do not think you need to tell us 'as I forgot to pour it."
— Isabelle5
Hey, by the way, ARE you expecting???
— Isabelle5
yeah, i can get rid of the forgot line. thats true.
the point im trying to make is that coffee by itself is bitter, and the cream makes it savory/insert word and worthwhile, which is supposed to mirror the idea that life is bitter/difficult but a child can make it worthwhile.
Thats the direction im trying to take it, i just need to get it there effectively.
thanks for the help
— joshcoops
I trip into the kitchen,
lift my forgotten mug
to find only a splash of creme
where bitter coffee should have been.
What can we add to this new life
to balance the bitter and the sweet?
— Isabelle5
thats pretty good. although i think your last stanza is too direct. I think poetry is often its strongest when it is suggestive rather than descriptive. It is often the unsaid that says the most. I don't want to take a short-cut and just come out and say it....if that makes any sense
— joshcoops
It does make sense, I was just showing you how I am perceiving the poem. You have to write it the way it makes sense to you.
— Isabelle5
thanks for your help is
— joshcoops
MMMMM A Hohumm poem. No profundity.
— unknown
Leave it how it is. It's good.
— themoonglow
i like. i would have liked to read it b4 you made the changes though. but i can relate to it and thats what i love about poetry i can relate to so much of it. and thats the reason i write poetry, so that others can relate(and from experience).
though the way i relate to this didn't turn out weel in my case. hope yours is better.
— firerocket
I'm wondering if you could make line 8 into something like (how could I forget to pur it?) Or even ask if it's a portend of things to come.
The day my grandchild Klarissa was born, when she was all cleaned up, her father reached for her and there was an earthquake! He asked that very question, "Is this what I can expect for this child?" It was a perfect moment!
— Isabelle5
*well
— firerocket
I agree with NicMichaels. L6 needs work. Its too much information...Everyone has routine trips through/to the kitchen in the morning, it is telling us nothing, only stating the obvious.
You could delete it completely, it adds nothing to the poem - if you feel that you must have it because for some reason it is imparative that people know that you get your coffee in the kitchen, like everyone else, then, as NicMichaels said, "In the kitchen" would be just fine.
Nice, cuddly poem otherwise.
— unknown
drop the "and" at beginning of line 4.
this poem rocks!!!
— aforbing
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