poetry critical

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entwined
shadowskiss

When I finally found comfort in being alone
 1
you swept in, uncued, so unexpectedly.
 2
I'm leaning back from the shock
 3
jaw-dropped, and wide eyed.
 4
Staring at the spaces
 5
we've so willingly made
 6
for each other
 7
in this life.
 8
 
 
It was so easy to let you in.
 9
To curl up into you, entwined,
 10
to cuddle while we sleep
 11
our energies softly seep
 12
into each others beings.
 13
As sunlight pushes through slit blinds,
 14
we do push our way blindly,
 15
until we're safe inside
 16
each others dreaming minds.
 17
 
 
And, I would've offered you a lot of things, darling
 18
but I knew you were just looking for a hand to hold,
 19
a lover to feed your fasting soul.
 20
I saw you searching for the right seed to sow.
 21
Though, I'd never thought someone like you
 22
could bring me into full bloom.
 23
 
 
Yet, here I am,
 24
stunned.
 25
Turning every color that could be mustered,
 26
petals all clustered.
 27
I'm blossoming,
 28
and, who knew it would be you
 29
that could do such a thing.
 30
 
 
Staring at the spaces
 31
we've so eagerly made for each other,
 32
in this life.
 33
I've been practically uprooted
 34
trying to reach your light.
 35

3 Feb 10

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (3): 9, 9, 10

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Comments:

More punctuation, this poem needs it.  It's a good poem but you leave the reader too breathless, not in a good way.  Some of your lines are gorgeous.
 — Isabelle5

I hope more people read this, it has some lines that are lovely and the mood is not as overdone as it could have been if someone less skilled had written it.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks for reading Isabelle. I'm not very happy with this one. Just couldn't get the right wording out so I thought I would post for some feedback. I'll take a look at the punctuation. I appreciate your kind words.
 — shadowskiss

Isabelle. I've edited with punctuation. If you had any other thoughts they would be much appreciated.

I call on other criticalers as well.

Thanks.
 — shadowskiss

the mood of this poem was absoluetly amazing. you show true passion!!!

it sounds as though this poem were written from a wonderful personal experience.

was it?? not trying to pry just wondering....
 — firerocket

It is from a personal experience yes, though, not an exact replica of it. Thanks so much for the kind comments and the favorite, firerocket.
 — shadowskiss

anyone else?
 — shadowskiss

this really is a beautiful poem.  i like the idea of creating spaces for another, but i think the key for me in this is the first line.....finding comfort in one's self is what allows you to truly create space for someone else.......and when there is no desperation in your accommodation of the other, each has the space to blossom and grow as you have so eloquently stated.  

very nicely written!
 — Tandisol

Thanks very much for the lovely comment and the favorite Tandisol. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.
 — shadowskiss

your welcome. im glad that you could be so open and write about your experience(even if it isnt an exact replica). i personally write from experience, normally.
 — firerocket

I completely love this
 — psychofemale

Thank you very much psychofemale. And thanks for the favorite.
 — shadowskiss

Sweet... almost cloying in parts, but nice. Some lovely imagery and internal rhyme, and I loved the phrase "feed your fasting soul". One consistent grammatical error I noticed was a lack of apostrophes.
 — eurydice

Thanks for the kind comments. I re-read but felt no need for any extra apostrophes. Could you point out specifics?
 — shadowskiss

Loved the tone of this, I thnk l18 -23 are out of kilter, the rythm falters here, and it seems at odds with the rest. I love the ending.And its spot on, that strange feeling of being kicked by the wind and blown sideways, Lovely
 — crimsonkiss

It is a little of kilter. I almost wanted to put it in parentheses as it is more of a side note...an after thought... a between. I thought the off kilter tone would emphasize this. Thanks for the comment. :)
 — shadowskiss

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