|Where We Go To Die
I walked through fiery gardens
bits of flesh
from hooks and chains
through blood puddles
agony from a thousand mouths
draped in sin,
rattled in the wind-
as I approached her pale form,
her weakened breath
blew through azure lips,
"Hold me" she said.
"Heal my wounds
and whisper death."
14 Feb 10
Rated 8.8 (8.4) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 1, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 1, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Brillant Mr. Web
another beautiful rendering of death, a peaceful ushering by a compassionate angel
LOve the blood puddles
Thank you for reading and positive feedback.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Thanks a bunch. Much Gratitude for the nice words.
Dante's Inferno... Canto 3 line 9... Final Words on the Gates of Hell... Abandon every hope, you who enter...
outstanding write JKWeb if you enjoy reading the pieces by JKWeb read Dante's Inferno it is rich like our friend JKWeb... it is interesting to see you once again return to your buffet of horror Poet...
9,10 work for me; 2-3 not so much
I Like every bit of it, down to the last drop.
you quite sure that azure is spelled that way?
Just too sad. Well written but so sad. (I do not view Death this was at all, I view Life this way much of the time.)
yes yes OK but me thinks lapis is better.
Thanks for reading and nice words. I'll be sure to check-out Dante's Inferno in book form. I saw a segment recently on the History channel and it did peak my interest.
Thank you too. I'm glad you were able to "connect" just a little.
I appreciate you having a look and glad you like it.
I'm fairly certain that 'azure' is the correct spelling. I googled. Thanks.
Many thanks for reading and commenting. Cheer-up now...it'll be okay :J
Lapis is a brilliant color blue and thanks for the suggestion. I'll have to give it some more thought.
Another oustanding write by JK.
Thanks for reading and the brief kudos.
what a Beautiful poem
Thanks a bunch. Glad you like it.
this poem ROCKS
but quickly i will mention my picking
and say 'flanks swung from hooks' (i find a bit too much going on with tongue tying and fillers here)
"as i waded though puddles
agony of a thousand mouths'
think 'suffered' and 'i heard' should be removed,
and i really feel it ending in the simple, yet wonderfully haunting
"hold me, she said".
THAT SAID, i love the eerie visions in this poem. i'm finding things, i'm on a roll!
very nice... full of images cooling mystery.. this piece could also work well if you got rid of the "I"s and made the following verb active... walking through fiery gardens... wading through blood puddles, etc. Could make the last stanza perhaps more powerful.... Just a thought. Love it either way. Another nice write from ya!
Thanks for reading and suggestions. I've given some thought to your insight but feel like I'd lose some of what I was trying to convey. Though I'm glad that you did "connect" on some level. Thanks again.
Thanks for reading and the positive feedback. I do like your ideas about making the 'verb active'. Gratitude.
I changed the first line back because it changed the tense but did keep line 5. Thanks again.
Yes the chill up the spine makes this a 10, definately~
Thanks for re-visiting and the positive feedback.
JKWeb you sure make the macabre look good and make it feel visceReal ... their is something eerie in this kind of out-of-body experience -- kinda reminds me of the series Dexter - a conflicted-killer of serial-killers -- nevertheless, well wrought with your medical mind making it frisson ...
Thanks for reading and the positive feedback. I've heard of the show Dexter but have yet to see it. I'll have to find it and tune in. Thanks again.
Thanks for reading and the brief kudos.
thanks for thanking everyone that has positive feedback
You're welcome. Thanks for thanking me for thanking everyone for the positive feedback.
Very nice! Exquisite imagery. Well done.
Thanks for reading and the favorable remarks. Much appreciated.
wow. that was great, but sad, but thats good i could feel that saddness and eerie feeling. and so thats a 10 for me.:)
Thanks for having a look and the positive crit. Much appreciated.
Jk... like I commented before, top notch, I love it! After a few more reads, I'm getting caught up on Line 15. Before and after that line there is a sonic and rhythmic flow... "blew through azure lips" has a bit of choppiness. I think "blew through" could finish of Line 14 leaving azure lips to stand alone on Line 15. Just a thought. I really like this!
Thanks for reading again. Edit done. This what you meant?
Outstanding, JK. The sonics work really well for me Nice work.
Great title by the way:)
Ok... now you got my poetic juices flowing... I like this better. Here's another idea: I would love to see-
"her weakened breath blew through"
as Line 14 and you could omit "azure lips" unless you're in love with that line.
I don't think you need azure lips because without it her weakened breath would flow through her pale form or simply through the wind like the bone chimes.
Also, since you're using quotes in the last stanza you could consider omitting the "she said"
"Heal my wounds.
Thank you for reading and accolades. Gratitude.
I appreciate you coming back to this and for the suggestions...I will have to give it some thought. Namaste.
'the sound' in l8 to the previous line, getting rid of that hyphen in l7 -
suffering the sound
from a thousand mouths
move 'suffering' to l5, before 'wading', add comma after...
consider changing 'through' in l15 to 'from'.
the last three lines are too dramatic, but not correctly broken...
'hold me, heal
my wounds, and whisper
nice poem, jkweb.
Thanks for reading and the detailed crit. Like I had metioned to jmp., I'll have to give your suggestions some thought. I'd hate to change it too much and lose sight of what I was initially trying to convey. But thanks again.
*mentioned *jpmhawk ...oops
I absolutely adore this. It is number 1 for a reason.
Thanks for having a look and nice words.
Glad this seemed to work for you. Much appreciated.
The body, the essence, of all life now fades
There is no escape, from the silence that waits
Thanks for reading and commenting.
"The body, the essence, of all life now fades
There is no escape, from the silence that waits"
^ I like that ^
Wow. That's really depressing. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and... die. Really good poem if your goal was to make me feel like death.
Didn't mean to get you down but thanks a lot for reading and commenting.
tech note... is the last line supposed to be a step to the left of the rest of the lines?
Duly noted and modified. It was the (") that gave it the space. Thanks.
Noir indeed 10
Thanks for reading and brief comment.
JKWEB I would walk through fiery gardens for you. Your the greatest. The chills, when I read your words, invigorate me. I sooooooo look forward to reading your next great write.
Thank you very much. Glad you like it.
This is awesome. :D DAmn awesome
I appreciate you taking the time to read and the positive response.
love lines 17,18,10
Thanks for reading and commenting.
She is waiting.
I know unknown one...and I'll be there soon enough. Thanks for reading.
I read this the other day, Popped up as random and stuck in my mind.
You have a way with words.
Web this is one of my favorites by you. It's better everytime I read it. :)
thanks for the kudos Quen. glad you like it.
many thanks mandolyn for the return visit.
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spam bump and slight edit
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few more edits
Some people have died and come back.
They say it's like being abducted by aliens.
Really? Really? This the 17th best poem on here? Really?
I've read Dante a lot, but this doesn't conjure him up for me. Strangely, I like "Heal my wounds and whisper death"--hi, btw, thanks for the interesting read!