poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Where We Go To Die

I walked through fiery gardens
chunks of flesh
gently swayed
from hooks and chains
through blood puddles
agony from a thousand mouths
draped in sin,
bone chimes
rattled in the wind-
as I approached her pale form,
her weakened breath
blew through azure lips,
"Hold me" she said.
"Heal my wounds
  and whisper death."

14 Feb 10

Rated 9.8 (8.4) by 7 users.
Active (7): 9
Inactive (22): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Brillant Mr. Web
 — unknown

Heal me.
 — ghost

another beautiful rendering of death, a peaceful ushering by a compassionate angel
 — Tandisol

LOve the blood puddles
 — ghost

Thank you for reading and positive feedback.
 — JKWeb

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
 — JKWeb

Thanks a bunch.  Much Gratitude for the nice words.
 — JKWeb

Dante's Inferno... Canto 3   line 9...  Final Words on the Gates of Hell... Abandon every hope, you who enter...
outstanding write JKWeb  if you enjoy reading the pieces by JKWeb read Dante's Inferno it is rich like our friend JKWeb... it is interesting to see you once again return to your buffet of horror Poet...
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

9,10 work for me; 2-3 not so much
 — NicMichaels

I Like every bit of it, down to the last drop.
 — unknown

you quite sure that azure is spelled that way?
 — unknown

Just too sad.  Well written but so sad.  (I do not view Death this was at all, I view Life this way much of the time.)  
 — Isabelle5

yes yes OK but me thinks lapis is better.
 — unknown

Thanks for reading and nice words.  I'll be sure to check-out Dante's Inferno in book form.  I saw a segment recently on the History channel and it did peak my interest.
 — JKWeb

Thank you too.  I'm glad you were able to "connect" just a little.
 — JKWeb

unknown 1-
I appreciate you having a look and glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

unknown 2-
I'm fairly certain that 'azure' is the correct spelling.  I googled.  Thanks.
 — JKWeb

Many thanks for reading and commenting.  Cheer-up now...it'll be okay :J
 — JKWeb

unknown 3-
Lapis is a brilliant color blue and thanks for the suggestion.  I'll have to give it some more thought.
 — JKWeb

Another oustanding write by JK.
 — mandolyn

Thanks for reading and the brief kudos.
 — JKWeb

what a Beautiful poem
 — Jonnyboy

Thanks a bunch.  Glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

this poem ROCKS

but quickly i will mention my picking
and say 'flanks swung from hooks' (i find a bit too much going on with tongue tying and fillers here)
"as i waded though puddles
of blood,
agony of a thousand mouths'

think 'suffered' and 'i heard' should be removed,
and i really feel it ending in the simple, yet wonderfully haunting
"hold me, she said".

THAT SAID, i love the eerie visions in this poem.  i'm finding things, i'm on a roll!
 — jenakajoffer

very nice... full of images cooling mystery.. this piece could also work well if you got rid of the "I"s and made the following verb active... walking through fiery gardens... wading through blood puddles, etc.  Could make the last stanza perhaps more powerful.... Just a thought.  Love it either way.  Another nice write from ya!
 — jpmhawk

Thanks for reading and suggestions.  I've given some thought to your insight but feel like I'd lose some of what I was trying to convey.  Though I'm glad that you did "connect" on some level.  Thanks again.
 — JKWeb

Thanks for reading and the positive feedback.  I do like your ideas about making the 'verb active'.  Gratitude.
 — JKWeb

I changed the first line back because it changed the tense but did keep line 5.  Thanks again.
 — JKWeb

Yes the chill up the spine makes this a 10, definately~
 — mandolyn

Thanks for re-visiting and the positive feedback.
 — JKWeb

JKWeb you sure make the macabre look good and make it feel visceReal ... their is something eerie in this kind of out-of-body experience -- kinda reminds me of the series Dexter - a conflicted-killer of serial-killers -- nevertheless, well wrought with your medical mind making it frisson ...
 — AlchemiA

Thanks for reading and the positive feedback.  I've heard of the show Dexter but have yet to see it.  I'll have to find it and tune in.  Thanks again.
 — JKWeb

holy mackrel!
 — DeformedLion

Thanks for reading and the brief kudos.
 — JKWeb

thanks for thanking everyone that has positive feedback
 — unknown

You're welcome.  Thanks for thanking me for thanking everyone for the positive feedback.
 — JKWeb

Very nice! Exquisite imagery. Well done.
 — ishtarboy300

Thanks for reading and the favorable remarks.  Much appreciated.
 — JKWeb

wow. that was great, but sad, but thats good i could feel that saddness and eerie feeling. and so thats a 10 for me.:)
 — unknown

Thanks for having a look and the positive crit.  Much appreciated.
 — JKWeb

Jk... like I commented before, top notch, I love it!  After a few more reads, I'm getting caught up on Line 15.  Before and after that line there is a sonic and rhythmic flow... "blew through azure lips" has a bit of choppiness.  I think "blew through" could finish of Line 14 leaving azure lips to stand alone on Line 15.  Just a thought.  I really like this!
 — jpmhawk

Thanks for reading again.  Edit done.  This what you meant?
 — JKWeb

Outstanding, JK.  The sonics work really well for me  Nice work.
Great title by the way:)
 — PaulS

Ok... now you got my poetic juices flowing... I like this better.  Here's another idea:  I would love to see-
"her weakened breath blew through"
as Line 14 and you could omit "azure lips" unless you're in love with that line.
I don't think you need azure lips because without it her weakened breath would flow through her pale form or simply through the wind like the bone chimes.  

Also, since you're using quotes in the last stanza you could consider omitting the "she said"

"Heal my wounds.
Whisper death.
Hold me."
 — jpmhawk

Thank you for reading and accolades.  Gratitude.
 — JKWeb

I appreciate you coming back to this and for the suggestions...I will have to give it some thought.  Namaste.
 — JKWeb

consider moving
'the sound' in l8 to the previous line, getting rid of that hyphen in l7 -

suffering the sound
of agony
from a thousand mouths

if not
move 'suffering' to l5, before 'wading', add comma after...

consider changing 'through' in l15 to 'from'.

the last three lines are too dramatic, but not correctly broken...

she said
'hold me, heal
my wounds, and whisper

nice poem, jkweb.

 — unknown

Thanks for reading and the detailed crit.  Like I had metioned to jmp., I'll have to give your suggestions some thought.  I'd hate to change it too much and lose sight of what I was initially trying to convey.  But thanks again.  
 — JKWeb

*mentioned  *jpmhawk ...oops
 — JKWeb

I absolutely adore this. It is number 1 for a reason.
 — Casiobone

Thanks for having a look and nice words.
 — JKWeb


; )
 — fractalcore

Glad this seemed to work for you.  Much appreciated.
 — JKWeb

The body, the essence, of all life now fades
There is no escape, from the silence that waits

Great. Beautiful.

 — laura352

Thanks for reading and commenting.

"The body, the essence, of all life now fades
There is no escape, from the silence that waits"

^ I like that ^
 — JKWeb

Wow. That's really depressing. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and... die. Really good poem if your goal was to make me feel like death.
 — unknown

Didn't mean to get you down but thanks a lot for reading and commenting.
 — JKWeb

tech note... is the last line supposed to be a step to the left of the rest of the lines?
 — jpmhawk

Duly noted and modified.  It was the (") that gave it the space.  Thanks.
 — JKWeb

Noir indeed 10
 — Redlander

Thanks for reading and brief comment.  
 — JKWeb

JKWEB I would walk through fiery gardens for you.  Your the greatest.  The chills, when I read your words, invigorate me.  I sooooooo look forward to reading your next great write.  
 — unknown

Thank you very much.  Glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

This is awesome. :D DAmn awesome
 — psychofemale

I appreciate you taking the time to read and the positive response.
 — JKWeb

No prob!
 — psychofemale

love lines 17,18,10
 — firerocket

Thanks for reading and commenting.
 — JKWeb

She is waiting.
 — unknown

I know unknown one...and I'll be there soon enough.  Thanks for reading.
 — JKWeb

I read this the other day, Popped up as random and stuck in my mind.
You have a way with words.
 — Quen

Web this is one of my favorites by you. It's better everytime I read it. :)
 — mandolyn

thanks for the kudos Quen.  glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

many thanks mandolyn for the return visit.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

spam bump and slight edit
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

spam, spam
green eggs and ham
 — JKWeb

few more edits
 — JKWeb

Some people have died and come back.
They say it's like being abducted by aliens.
 — unknown

Really? Really? This the 17th best poem on here? Really?
 — unknown

I've read Dante a lot, but this doesn't conjure him up for me.  Strangely, I like "Heal my wounds and whisper death"--hi, btw, thanks for the interesting read!
 — annakatterin

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Great stuff man
 — yield

appreciate the kudos yield.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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 — wlp

came up as Random Poem today how cool, I remember this one from 2010, has it really been that long? happy holidays JKWeb.
 — NicMichaels

thanks much NicM.   yep, time's jetting by.  happy holidays to you too and happy new year in advance!
 — JKWeb