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Existence in Poetic Space
Isabelle5

She tells her secrets to the night,
 1
as she sits on top of an old red trunk,
 2
drunk with darkness.
 3
 
 
There, she is ghost,
 4
she is dream,
 5
a tickle of consciousness
 6
just beyond a sleeper’s reach,
 7
 
 
time traveling happily,
 8
alone in a vast otherness.
 9
 
 
Loneliness only
 10
descends as she returns
 11
to a body too confining,
 12
a mind too limited,
 13
hands that shake
 14
in troublesome ways
 15
that hinder her need for silence –
 16
 
 
fingers have voices –
 17
 
 
they are as relentless
 18
as the white space obsession
 19
they write and writhe within,
 20
spilling her secrets to the world.
 21

17 Feb 10

Rated 9.5 (7.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

a poet must write.....

i love line 17..."fingers have voices"......great phrase!

nicely done!
 — Tandisol

I like it 10
 — BxPR

Thanks.  Sometimes it feels as if I am only real in the silence, the dark, floating out of reality to the creative, where I feel normal.  I hope all the poets here understand!
 — Isabelle5

i think you are not alone in that!
 — Tandisol

"the white space obcession" excellent peice.
 — Ilena

it's lovely that on my, these days, rare visits, to find that you are still writing gems of poems..
 — unknown

A lovely write filled with great images--I REALLY like "drunk with darkness."  Just one small nit--remove "the" in line 2 and this will be perfecto :)
 — PaulS

Perfectly Isabelle--your poetic voice is clear and bright.  "Fingers have voices" is pure gold.  
 — sybarite

the beginning strophe grabs me within the imagery -- I want to know more -- the next two strophes create an image of melancholy-aloneness coupled with happy-otherness -- the fourth strophe explains the conflict above -- we have a 'soul' if you will bound in time and space matters, confined to the fatal-skin she's in -- 'fingers have voices', is a superb image, striking even -- that's where I'd end this 'lil gem as the last strophe kinda falls on explaining it too much ... nevertheless a superbly realEYEsed image
 — AlchemiA

I think you're all right there with me!  I love you!
 — Isabelle5

I would suggest that in L3 that you change the preposition form "with" to "in."  Drunk with darkness seems to connote evil or malintent.  For sonic's sake, I might also suggest removing the second "she is" and "just" in L7.  In L8, are you saying that TIME is travelling or are you saying TIMETRAVELLING as in TIMETRAVEL?  L17 tries too hard to be metaphoric.  What CHOO think?  :-)
 — starr

Drunk with, that's what I mean and that's how it must stay.  Have you never wished for the night to fall?  It's not a bad thing, it's quite restful.  

Actually, I have worked this as much as I'm going to.  It says exactly what I wanted to say, not always what happens when poems are birthed.

Thanks for the suggestions, though, I see how changes would fit with other poet's vision of how they would write this.
 — Isabelle5

i really like this...love what youve done with your poetic space..
 — brother_sun

line 3, maybe 'drunken with darkness' would ease the ear, because the 'ghost' sound makes three single percussive phone's in a row, which is a poetry structure used mostly for building and concluding an emotion. so, it's like you've accidentally shot a gun in the first couple of stanzas and not put the gun away.
 — bmikebauer

Thanks, Mike, but I've got this the way I want it now.  
 — Isabelle5

Brilliant poem, the site of old gives and new gives quality
 — Rossant

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