nestled seeds of
the forest floor.
my sum of
rest on strength
of limbs and stem
like that which line
the inward floor
the more i'm dropped,
the more i give.
21 Feb 10
Rated 9.8 (8.3) by 8 users.
Active (8): 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (27): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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(11 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Like a hand on a cup of good warm coffee, its taste is smooth to the last drop... j.g. smiles
like mud values
but its yours
and, why the full stop
ah yes. beautiful. thank you!!
...i give all the Mor, er more...
i like it because it sounds pretty, and pretty is. a nice. aesthetic.
NIce! Great rhythm and flow. I like the whole feel and metaphor.
Like the images - reminds me of a something told to me by an acquaintance - her grandfather, a young man in the First World War, was buried in an avalanche of earth after a shell exploded - the only reason he was found was because someone spotted a hand poking out of the soil holding a pinecone. The family still has it kept in a teapot. I've always felt that pinecones deserve personification and your poem encapsulates my feeling somehow. An excellent capturing of the move from microcosm to macrocosm.
the sounds are mellifluously flowing capturing feeling without the conceit of knowing -- nice!
Especially liked lines 1-4.
And the ending lines, of course.
Oh wow. Last stanza kills. ^^
but for the souls and the souls and the souls,
mind you, it's probably intentional as it reads like a form poem.
hurtle makes me think of turtle. the pinecones turtle to the forest floor,
funny how that kind of works . ;)
It deserves a "ten" surely. I'd only wish that the author would capitalize the "I", for it is a proper noun, yes? IF one chooses to go with the =seemingly modest= smallcase "I", then, to most non-poet readers, the piece may appear "affeted.
The lack of the capped "I" is one thing, OK. That's your call?
But then you use line-end marks. Not really needed, or are they?
It's sort of like...half of this and half of that, what with the i's and the ayes, that people here seem to proffer. Hmmm. But it's a beautiful poem, withal.
Reid, this is a good poem, but it is not the one one I was speaking of on the forum. It could be Web's-- whoever it belongs to is a DANDY writer fer sure!
I think I'll give it a 9.999!
I think "will to live" is heavy handed and it's in here twice. Love the conceit and L19,20. This poem's best moments are its simplest. Consider: Another way to say dropped S2 ("fumbled") and save dropped for final stanza. Del L17,18. Rework S3. "My will to seed,/ my life my soul,/" Rebreak S4 "Muddied vales,/mud-gums,/tooth-scales/smile to breath,/" deleting L16. Rethink title, too bland.
This is GORGEOUS! :-)
changed my mind about the souls.
i love them.
i love this poem now.
it started out just growing on me, slow as a turtle, but now i'm practically married to it.
Oooh... this is good.
I tripped up on line 15, I guess I was wanting "breathe" instead of "breath".
I also didn't like all the "the"s in the last three lines--I think you could drop them (get it, DROP them) and this would be just as strong, if not stronger... like your poem.
I like this poem. a 10
beautiful and inspiring! perfect
Did Jen just say she's married to a turtle?
One could argue that AIR is wasteful. And it will help it relate better: soft/dropped. But then you'd be required to edit 3-4 to add more power. In fact, you should do that anyway. "Of conifer cones" not only has more syllables but is considerably heavier (no pun) than the rest of the stanza.
Then all that shit about mud of soul sum of scales... I think you got carried away. It's obvious you understand language and the relation of words. I don't think you are top on your rhythm yet, and it's really ugly in poetry to say the same word more than once.
Don't trust me, though, I'm not a poet!
changes were made, for better or for worse.
I like your changes. Reads nicely.
when shall you reveal your 'nom de plumage' for all of us to feel the real inside this poem as a sublimation of what's been writ by you before, those words that scar the face in haunting ways that show the depths you'd go for 'feeling so' in this poetic space ...
Tell us who you are, Damn it, damn you.....
Now look, I wrote that four days ago, its up to you.
I have friends in ip addresses-they will
if i ask
i hate you.
i will hunt you
with small people
ah fuck it play fair.
I kill you. I will
you dont scare me
bollocks to pinecones
Love your poem
but shit its good
I will k*ll you.
I won't kill you.
sorry for the lame threats
It's pretty good, but... not as coherent as I expected when I first started reading. I guess I was a little disappointed as it went on.
I must've missed it on my 1st read but shouldn't it be:
"like that which line(s)..." in line 17?
Just wonderin' --
still nice though
'that' would be a plural in this case, i think... it's ok in poetry to swap out verb forms, since the form might be subjunctive.
What is a verb?
sorry about before,
look i love this.
and it eats me that
i do not know who
to say thanks to/
and i come back and read it and it curls my stomach up,in truth i do not care.
like those which line...
This is spunky, life from the viewpoint of a pine nut! I love the mud-gums line.
yes, a wonderful write.
it draws you into a tiny world of timeless being and continual rebirth
it is a poem about forgiveness and selflessness
and it is, within itself, altruistic and subtle and enlightened
very inspiring from a both reader and writer perspective