I love line 13 and 14. I feel like the ending has been done before. Not those exact words or story, but the mood and connotation. Good imagery. Check some of mine out please!!
Oh, Zach! You know have had a taste of The Pain.
You will learn, too, that =they don't give a fuck about your ordeal=.
I would say, "hire a lawyer", but, am not having any luck, myself.
For every "old woman burned by a spilled cup of McDonald's coffee, boiling hot, slipped from her hand" (famous case of years ago, she got money), tens of thousands get their lips burnt,with the only result being: "Oh, you should be more careful".
As you are learning, only the really nasty and persistent can prevail when a corporation's employees, or practices, mess you up. Wait for new horrors that will come? By then, at least your lips will be in good order to flap in indignation. They'll say, in oozingly sweet tones, "well, the lighter light, what did you expect?" or "drink cold coffee from now on." It's just not fair, and so difficult to get corrective justice in this USA. My BIC case? I will have to hire a lawyer (good luck, reidy!). The courts pay NOTHING for "pain and suffering", as a general rule. It's gotta be "can no longer work, lost wages", in order for a lawyer to go to bat for you...my wan experience, so far. OH, reality check: they will lie and say "YOU are the first person ever to have burned your lips on deceptive coffee. So, like didn't you ever know, see that coffee is made with boiling water?" It will be a circus. You will have to be the circus master. I'll watch, from outside, carrying matches and probably shuffling feet, schmoozing with some slender fag...in a white cotton sweater...no, black acrylic: cotton burns too easily! So does coffee. Have had a few cups of hot "coffee". They say, "once you've tasted black, you never go back to....lattes.
Lot of lats to you, thanks, hope you don't next take up tea drinking...or tea bagging!!!
Very well written with excellent imagery--I like the way the lines are broken and the last stanza is absolutely fantastic.
I come back to the poem with appreciation for your great empathy.
It's deeper and more abstract than I can fully appreciate, because you code rather a lot. But it's a poem of empathy...that makes it truly special. I hope your burn is fully healed, fast. It's that first day that is so bad if we get a first or second degree. I don't suppose they gave you much sympathy at the joint? Eh?
The enigma of the final strophe makes, of course me think of me. But he's not fully inflamed...so it must be some other cigar smoocher, ha ha. It's good poem, and I thank you for thinking of me when I was injured. Thank you,
Ok I love this! Not sure about the last stanza, if it fits there BUT I absolutely love L25-28!!
"I taste the fire on my lips and think of the one on yours" -- does that sound better? Not sure- just throwing it out there.
This is great Sequential Power Kick!!
thanks, mandolyn! you're right. i don't know why i used 'thought', since the poem is written in the present setting, with the events unfolding as i am writing.
the last stanza was there before it provides a sense of closure to the piece. plus, the imagery of a lighted cigarette and the smoke rising into and being extinguished by the rain adds to this piece, which is about burning and about fire....sort of, maybe... :)
Sequential Power Kick, haha! thanks much again!
and the last stanza.
make this poem a 10.
this is badass...love the imagery...:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
I very rarely comment on anyone's poems but this is quite beautiful, no critique, it's honest, its personal, gold star dude.
thank you, Luxy...I'm flattered. =)
I LOVE this poem, BUT, I don't think the last 3 lines add anything except distraction. If you ended it at L28, I think it would be perfect. MY opinion, of course. The imagery is excellent and the colors with which you paint a burning, swelling mouth is both hilarious and awesomely executed! I salute you! (oops...I'm not even signed in, so I'll be back in a second to sign my name to this post.)
^ Just me signing my name. :-)
hahaha!@ I don't drink my tea very hot but I was instantly transported into this! $2.81 sounds cheap, actually, but I am in Huntington Beach CA, where everything costs more! I like every single line, nothing to change.
aww....thank you, guys. this is for reid, so i'm glad you guys like it. ;)
Some good writing in here - prgnant pomegranate gladdened my heart and the last stanza is such a strong image. such a poem.
Could you think of another image instead of cheap 80's jazz?
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This is quite good.
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