poetry critical

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to reid and bic usa, on behalf of starbucks
Sequiturist

“We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it”
We Didn’t Start the Fire, Billy Joel


how depraved i must be
 1
to shell out $2.81
 2
because i am young and wanted to taste pain—
 3
 
 
burning my lips
 4
on a starbucks venti passion fruit tea
 5
two tea bags
 6
harvested from beneath the feet
 7
of some cocoa-skinned child
 8
 
 
my lips fume like plastic
 9
polymers stretched
 10
hot from the ironworks
 11
of our buddy—the bic of america
 12
 
 
not quite red
 13
but swelling—a pregnant pomegranate
 14
as blisters ripen like seeds
 15
 
 
to later be bitten or chewed on
 16
by a girl who will love me
 17
(if only)
 18
 
 
popping
 19
popping
 20
 
 
i am sitting on an aged iron stool
 21
looking out
 22
onto union square west—
 23
a turnstile to the world of brand name organics
 24
 
 
as coffee beans collide
 25
near the radio to cheap 80’s jazz—
 26
i taste the fire on my lips
 27
and think of the one on yours
 28
 
 
outside
 29
a man in a white turtleneck
 30
kisses the rain with his cigar smoke
 31

25 Feb 10

Rated 8.7 (7.7) by 8 users.
Active (8): 9, 9, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 2, 7, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10

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I love line 13 and 14. I feel like the ending has been done before. Not those exact words or story, but the mood and connotation. Good imagery. Check some of mine out please!!
 — KAE12

Oh, Zach!  You know have had a taste of The Pain.
You will learn, too, that =they don't give a fuck about your ordeal=.
I would say, "hire a lawyer", but, am not having any luck, myself.

For every "old woman burned by a spilled cup of McDonald's coffee, boiling hot, slipped from her hand" (famous case of years ago, she got money), tens of thousands get their lips burnt,with the only result being: "Oh, you should be more careful".
As you are learning, only the really nasty and persistent can prevail when a corporation's employees, or practices, mess you up.  Wait for new horrors that will come? By then, at least your lips will be in good order to flap in indignation.  They'll say, in oozingly sweet tones, "well, the lighter light, what did you expect?" or "drink cold coffee from now on."   It's just not fair, and so difficult to get corrective justice in this USA.  My BIC case? I will have to hire a lawyer (good luck, reidy!).  The courts pay NOTHING for "pain and suffering", as a general rule.  It's gotta be "can no longer work, lost wages", in order for a lawyer to go to bat for you...my wan experience, so far. OH, reality check:  they will lie and say "YOU are the first person ever to have burned your lips on deceptive coffee.  So, like didn't you ever know, see that coffee is made with boiling water?"  It will be a circus. You will have to be the circus master. I'll watch, from outside, carrying matches and probably shuffling feet, schmoozing with some slender fag...in a white cotton sweater...no, black acrylic: cotton burns too easily!  So does coffee. Have had a few cups of hot "coffee". They say, "once you've tasted black, you never go back to....lattes.

Lot of lats to you,  thanks, hope  you don't next take up tea drinking...or tea bagging!!!
 — R_Reid_Welch

Very well written with excellent imagery--I like the way the lines are broken and the last stanza is absolutely fantastic.
 — PaulS

I come back to the poem with appreciation for your great empathy.
It's deeper and more abstract than I can fully appreciate, because you code rather a lot. But it's a poem of empathy...that makes it truly special.  I hope your burn is fully healed, fast. It's that first day that is so bad if we get a first or second degree.  I don't suppose they gave you much sympathy at the joint? Eh?

The enigma of the final strophe makes, of course me think of me. But he's not fully inflamed...so it must be some other cigar smoocher, ha ha.  It's good poem, and I thank you for thinking of me when I was injured.  Thank you,
 — R_Reid_Welch

Ok I love this! Not sure about the last stanza, if it fits there BUT I absolutely love L25-28!!
"I taste the fire on my lips and think of the one on yours" -- does that sound better? Not sure- just throwing it out there.
This is great Sequential Power Kick!!
:)
 — mandolyn

thanks, mandolyn! you're right. i don't know why i used 'thought', since the poem is written in the present setting, with the events unfolding as i am writing.

the last stanza was there before it provides a sense of closure to the piece. plus, the imagery of a lighted cigarette and the smoke rising into and being extinguished by the rain adds to this piece, which is about burning and about fire....sort of, maybe... :)

Sequential Power Kick, haha! thanks much again!
 — Sequiturist

7-8
27-28
and the last stanza.

make this poem a 10.
 — Callisto

this is badass...love the imagery...:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 — psychofemale

hmmmmm
 — unknown

I very rarely comment on anyone's poems but this is quite beautiful, no critique, it's honest, its personal, gold star dude.
 — Luxy

thank you, Luxy...I'm flattered. =)
 — Sequiturist

I LOVE this poem, BUT, I don't think the last 3 lines add anything except distraction.  If you ended it at L28, I think it would be perfect.  MY opinion, of course.  The imagery is excellent and the colors with which you paint a burning, swelling mouth is both hilarious and awesomely executed!  I salute you!  (oops...I'm not even signed in, so I'll be back in a second to sign my name to this post.)
 — unknown

^  Just me signing my name.  :-)
 — starr

hahaha!@  I don't drink my tea very hot but I was instantly transported into this!  $2.81 sounds cheap, actually, but I am in Huntington Beach CA, where everything costs more!  I like every single line, nothing to change.
 — Isabelle5

aww....thank you, guys. this is for reid, so i'm glad you guys like it. ;)
 — Sequiturist

Some good writing in here - prgnant pomegranate gladdened my heart and the last stanza is such a strong image. such a poem.
 — opal

Could you think of another image instead of cheap 80's jazz?
 — oakspringer

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This is quite good.
 — Barranto33

Few watch aficionados realize that the Japanese brand seiko watch has a history as old as many of  its Swiss rivals. Founded in the 1880s, the company began manufacturing wrist seiko watches after World War I and quickly  became an innovative leader, developing one of the world's first seiko  automati c and seiko chronograph.  But perhaps Seiko's greatest achievement came about in its race with the  American brand Bulova to harness new technology, leading to the quartz watch,  which revolutionized the industry and nearly drove the Swiss out of business.

  More  innovations followed, including the first computer wristwatch, in 1984, and the  first nonbattery s eiko kinetic watch. To this list we can now add another  groundbreaker: the Seiko Spring Drive  mechanical movement, which is accurate to one second per day, making it  approximately three times more precise than the average mechanical watch. The  Spring Drive also provides an enduring seventy-two hours of power reserve (most  watches offer about forty) and winds 30 percent faster than a conventional movement.

  According  to seiko uk, twenty-eight years of work  went into developing this movement, and only five of the company's hundreds of  watchmakers possess the requisite skills to assemble it. Regardless of its technological  history, the seiko 5 is  a skillfully designed watch, with graceful hands and interesting use of  off-center dials.


 — shaotang

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 — unknown

Seiko watches have a very rich  heritage dating way back to the nineteenth century that was and still is  dedicated to perfection. Environmental issues nowadays are a big factor that  drives consumer buying habits. This Seiko Watch has been blazing the  trail when it comes to combining environmental conservation and watch making.

    

    Seiko UK are produced in plants that have fully complied with  the waste disposal management regulations. This has gone down to the process of  production to intricate steps of soldering where the quantities of lead have  been reduced. This Seiko Watches UK has many firsts including being the only one to fit  mercury free batteries.

    

  Currently research is underway to develop  alternative sources of power to cut down on the impact of used and discarded batteries.  In addition to this, Seiko Solar powered units are being tested in a bid to completely eliminate the use of  batteries in the watches. Such a display of an aggressive desire to go green  has not been witnessed for a very long time.

  

  To further underscore the uniqueness of these  products, only a small number of technicians are involved during the actual  production of these watches. Production is shared between two studios and two  hundred and forty craftsmen. Seiko has been a pioneer in watch production, the first divers piece was commissioned  by this company in the early sixties. It could resist the water pressure up to  a depth of one hundred and fifty metres.


The Seiko Sale has the  collection of Ladies  Seiko Watches,Seiko  Kinetic,Seik o  Monster,Seiko Automatic,Seiko 5,Seiko  Mens Watches,you are warm welcome to buy one from them.
 — shaotang

In sixteen twenty-one,a big celebration of barbour  ja cket took place at Plymouth Colony in what is now the state of  Massachusetts.European settlers known as the barbour jackets were  celebrating their autumn harvest after a winter of struggle.

  Other colonists held earlier ceremonies of thanks.But  the Pilgrims' three-day feast is often called the nation's first barb our coats Thanksgiving.President Abraham Lincoln  declared a national holiday in eighteen sixty-three during the Civil War.

  Today families and friends gather on the fourth  Thursday in November.And,thanks to the barbour  quilted jacket United States Census Bureau,here are  some facts about where their Thanksgiving meal comes from.

  The main dish is traditionally a turkey.About  two-thirds of the nation's turkeys are produced in Minnesota and five other quilted barbour jackets states.Producers are expected to raise  two hundred forty-eight million birds this year,two percent more than last  year.

  Popular side dishes include cranberries and sweet  potatoes.Last year North Carolina barbour sale grew  more sweet potatoes than any other state.Wisconsin is expected to be the top  cranberry producer this year.

  People often finish the meal with pumpkin pie.Last  year Illinois grew the most pumpkins.California,New York,Ohio and barb our uk were  also major pumpkin producers.

  Thanksgiving is a big event,but buying a barbour mens traditional holiday meal can be a  struggle for the poor.So charity groups often hold food drives to collect food  for barbour ladies low-income families.


 — shaotang

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