poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Top Rated (expand)
JesusInDrag

3.16.10

1. Neruda’s Beads
 1
 
 
in the pale moon of your neck
 2
a spider’s lulling flower, two beads
 3
rolling inside the hollows of your face
 4
open, willingly before your born
 5
 
 
2. pinecone.
 6
 
 
i am
 7
the sum of
 8
the nestled vales,
 9
plucked seeds
 10
and hurtled cones,
 11
that stem from
 12
the muddy limbs
 13
of your inner
 14
forest
 15
 
 
3. I like to meet in tongues
 16
 
 
behind the walls of your inner ear
 17
my tongue, like a cold metal key
 18
licking the sweet apple of your skull
 19
 
 
4. Black and white-67
 20
 
 
into the green, the brass cases
 21
like a fountain of shiny pennies
 22
“this is nuts, brother…” says Martin, as he
 23
takes one to the gut, one to the face
 24
our point-man, down, a barrage of hot led,
 25
mortars, and the noxious stench of napalm
 26
till all is silent but for a few static chirps  
 27
of radio chatter on the eastern front
 28
 
 
5. Sanctuary-67
 29
 
 
sitting in Dong Ha
 30
beyond the red eyes of Gio Linh
 31
an old priest, consumed
 32
by dirt, dust, communion
 33
and the horror of death’s echo
 34
 
 
6. Orca
 35
 
 
behind the grave of your weeping ivy
 36
the ghost of your bruised sea
 37
drifts into a yellow mosaic
 38
of rusting shame
 39
 
 
7. Death and Ghosts
 40
 
 
twice now, you have burdened me
 41
with the insubstantial words
 42
of your feeble mind, soaking
 43
the edges of your idle, white, fingers
 44
 
 
8. orgasmatron
 45
 
 
de•cep•ti•con  [dih-sep-ti-kon]
 46
-noun
 47
   1. a trans-sexual, a he-she, demigod queen of injected silicon
 48
   2. a rear-ender, a man-storming, transforming monkey with a slick-red shotgun
 49
   3. not a go-bot
 50
 
 
9. Be’MikeBauer
 51
 
 
for mike on his birthday
 52
 
 
two tired men
 53
for his ole
 54
dis’colored peter
 55
 
 
10. book of honest poems #1 i stole my wife’s smile
 56
 
 
two thousand
 57
and four notes later
 58
i still can’t get her
 59
to believe
 60
 
 
that it was never a matter of love
 61
never a matter of choice
 62
 
 
just that the car seat
 63
was too goddamn
 64
comfortable
 65
to leave
 66
 
 
11. linus inspired buffalo bill (repssst!)
 67
 
 
he had the ugliest one
 68
ever- but sometimes
 69
i’d fall to my knees
 70
bobbing at his size 9
 71
noodle like a chicken
 72
till he’d come all over
 73
my face with his
 74
sick sailor’s junk
 75
 
 
12. Grunts-67
 76
 
 
hell is
 77
disco dancing
 78
with your mother
 79
while she skirts
 80
at your belt buckle
 81
and tongues
 82
your handgun
 83
till your eyes
 84
glaze over
 85
and you grunt
 86
in horror
 87
 
 
13. Cheshire Cat-67
 88
 
 
when young boys jostle
 89
to be first to touch the pink
 90
and have their hard-stick
 91
held and played with
 92
you’re bound to find a few
 93
grinning, in their sleep
 94
 
 
 
 
14. Existence in Poetic Space
 95
 
 
out of an old red trunk
 96
the ghost of her secrets
 97
fingers her vast spaces
 98
till she writhes and shakes
 99
into a night of descending
 100
          loneliness
 101
 
 
15. Brittaney
 102
 
 
trembling like a needle
 103
in a smoke filled room
 104
I kissed the flesh of her
 105
tight money-junk
 106

11 Mar 10

Rated 10 (8.1) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9
Inactive (21): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(1 more poem by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

you're inventive and tongue-in-cheek ironic which makes this a piece about the conceit, the little flaw in the PC pantheon, replete with casual way we gotta' say what we gotta say, eh ... made me smile awhile
 — AlchemiA

Very cool! Really unique a 10 mos def! You should do it for Newest, Recently Commented, and Recent Best.
 — BxPR

rather smart of you, making us all re-read the top-rated list to see what you did in comparison.  i think mine is the worst of them all, but then, i can appreciate fun.  bruised sea and rusting shame is terrible no matter what or why you're writing.  you should be ashamed.  hehe.
 — jenakajoffer

is this oldshoe? whatever, it sure is talented.
 — unknown

... thought your shoe senyru was rather feeble though.
 — unknown

it's more like creative borrowing.  we could all do this,
so hey, let's have a contest!  (j/k).

like i said, it's good
and it's fun to do this but i wouldn't go too far with the talent thing
until our jesus writes his own poems.  
 — jenakajoffer

Just doing this at all was talented.
 — unknown

campbell's soup cans lined up in a row so you can see a pattern, doncha'know
 — unknown

either all the top's are written in blog-style, or you've stylized them out into your own blogger verse style. you've written weak-style to ingratiate, but only talk about these things because they came in some box mis-delivered to your door and you're pretty upset about it. just throw the stuff in the trash and poem out of it.
 — bmikebauer

Well, it's obvious you can copy but can you write your own?
 — Isabelle5

he's only writing his own -- this isn't copying, it's just arting-out. the question is why? and, if it's envy then it's its own reward.
 — bmikebauer

You're off to a good start keep it up.
 — BxPR

A bit sensational. I like these versions much better than the originals - but only because you didn't do me. :)
 — unknown

the unknown smile of a Cheshire-cat with a wit that's as sharp as a tack, just as deep too ...
 — unknown

i'd ditch the expand part since you didn't actually expand.
 — jenakajoffer

I second that motion.
 — unknown

It expands.  From a title to the top 15.
 — unknown

That was awesome. And I think I like your Brittany more than mine.
Good jorb there indeed,
It's nice to see someone not take everything so seriously.
Either or, I really liked some of your verses.
Thank you.
 — Solstice

My kind of poem! Very nice especially #7. you get hte highest rating form me.
 — Redlander

Different and so outstanding.
 — Ebony

" ... but managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines." -- Marcel Proust, Swann's Way
 — AlchemiA

Four 1's from a single IP Address.  

Someone's feelings got hurt.  

That's ok.

Jesus still loves you.
 — unknown

It's not that someone's feelings were hurt it's just plain old envy and jealousy. Someone one or a few can't take it when a poet gets high marks for something they don't like or achieve a position they can't and so 1s! It shows the level of their maturity. You can usually tell because they don't have the nerve or sincerity to just give a 5 or a 6 when they don't like it and at least have the guts to use a screen name. Instead it's but a series of 1s to get you down from a place their work doesn't have the ability or creativity to achieve. They're a group of cowards hiding behind being unknown. If you like a piece give it a good rating and put your screen name! If not also  leave your screen name and have the creative integrity to give it a low rating but not 1s! That is so petty and inmature and unamerican. That's specifically for who I suspect did this act of creative vandalism. Anyway this is a nice piece of poetry creative, different and worthy of the number one place it had before the poet visogoths, and I meant that in the nicestest way, decided to mob/vigilanty mentality.
 — BxPR

the 1 1 1 1's are from mong, the manic-mom of PC trying to tell us what is good for all the little boys and girls
 — unknown

Really? And who is "the manic-mom of PC"? Pray tell.
 — BxPR

how do you know the IP address unless you are a moderator here? only the mods can see the list of IP's linked with posts here.

is that you Keats? if it is, go fuck yourself.
 — unknown

the 1 1 1 1's are from mong, the manic-mom of PC trying to tell us what is good for all the little boys and girls
— unknown         &nbs p;[!]

this was posted by bmikebauer. his IP is on  it.
 — unknown

Mr. Anal Retentive? I mean bmikebaurer. it figures. What a pathetic dweeb, really.
 — BxPR

Hey so when A.R. writes "the frustrated question from me comes AFTER the games you've played avoiding any serious writer discussion on your work." it's all hypocracy like him isn't it? What a sanctimonyous A.R. dweeb. I was correct about his level or lack of maturity.
 — BxPR

Huh?
 — unknown

yay for the current #1!!!

; )
 — fractalcore

Which one?
 — unknown

hah, well you keep 'em coming like a modern hero, conflicted, hanging cross-wise, riddled with the voices of creative-destruction for unlocking the integrity of doubt
 — AlchemiA

don't you mean unlocking creativity by doubting the integrity of the voices?
 — unknown

A very very accomplished piece. Illustrious.

I thoroughly enjoyed this!
 — laura352

This is too much to take in at once. Been awhile since I've dropped in, please forgive.
 — mould_jesus

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