poetry critical

online poetry workshop

thundercloud kin.

soon, you will not shiver
and your blood will still.
edge of life, eyes
not weary but wise, that voice
you speak in
knows desperation,
and the silence of dead sky
around simmering stars.

23 Mar 10

Rated 8.4 (8.8) by 9 users.
Active (9): 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(22 more poems by this author)

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Inventive title.
 — NicMichaels

Wow this is incredible! I am running out of adjectives to describe certain poems.
I love the title, I love it all.
I would not change a thing.
 — mandolyn

Cool poem nicely conveyed.
 — JKWeb

hi varun - while I like the dark sobering imagery I find the use of the words death and dead perhaps a bit overplayed -- the whole piece is suggestive and screams of momento-mori which is the poet grinning, eyes empty staring at forever - like a skull -  otherwise you've got solid imagery reflecting the impersonal cold of the dark, the plight of the wise dispossessed by hope...
 — AlchemiA

very interesting...in a good and different way of course
 — psychofemale

thanks, alchemia.
lovely line 'plight of the wise dispossessed by hope' - very poignant, outside of the poem especially.

thanks, all, for reading.
 — varun

alchemia -
considering the tangent you spoke of (memento mori)
you know the triptych by memling? beautiful.
also, there are some tibetan-buddhist monasteries in eastern india where they have 'death dancing' on their gates - a grinning skeleton represented in either carved wood, or painted on walls. i thought this was incredibly funny, in a sense that it made light of life, and death.
 — varun

good poem
am a bad reader, liking or not is on impulse. listen internally to the words. ifound it very funny and appreciate death dancing a lot.
 — stout

why impulse = bad reader?
i appreciate death dancing too. that reminded me of shiva's tandav. hmm.
 — varun

I like this very much and I think the title is apt for this piece--it sets a tone of darkness.  Although you wrote "you will not shiver,"  I did shiver when I read the first two lines.  Well writ, varun.
 — PaulS

wonderfully ominous ..

i wonder if that comma on L1 is necessary?

also wondered if "eyes...wise" was adding much? i mean, are eyes wise? or is that the realm of what's expressed through 'em? it's a cute internal rhyme but possibly preoccupied with itself rather than the rest of the poem?

also wondered if "and" on L7 was required?

absolutely fantastic and evocative writing! thanks!
 — shell

line 2!!!!
such a patient write.
 — trochee

Gorgeous writing, V.!  Then again, I love everything u write.  :-)
 — starr

impulse - bad reader - in the context of this pc thing. not that it matters. do the words sing or bite, just the sound of them, then there's something interesting going on.
yes but what does it mean? fuck off i want to say, or unclench the bloodless fist.  there's milton and there's thomas, there's aeschylus and there's pound
i don't know what you are saying here precisely, in thundercloud kin, but the picture is right and it works as a catalyst for the story that unfolds in my mind.
i have now read it less impulsively, and find possible tracks of meaning, but for me they do not add they detract, steer me away from the story you first conjured up.
 — stout

this is interesting. it has a nice cadence, but it's almost like it was written in another language -- a language of barter and exchange. the actual words used fall apart if they're read as phrases, though they have street value. but, the feeling of 'dirge' survives, like a funeral procession. i think it might be the syllable count which makes it seem solemn..., though an syllable count, following the phrasing, and the phrasing is partially conversation and partially 'arty'.

i think the only real poem-breaker is the wordiness in line 8. i feel that line needs a tighter count to show passion. it says something which ought to be a passionate ending, but it's said with hesitancy. 'shimmering' is arty, but it's 'around' that makes it seem like 'shimmering' is a toy word.

but, it depends on if the author wants this as a deep feeling poem or simply as a top-ten poem for p.c. -- if it's only for here, then it'll maybe work as 'classic poetry' or something.
 — bmikebauer

humm, 'verun', and people did seem to like it for what it seems to be saying to them, though i wonder if they'd care for half what they read here if they saw it in a 'zine'.

but, this is sort of unlike your other work, but it's sort of like someone else's work, so that's in form. who actually is the 'you', in a poem, if not the author? and, if the writer of the poem is using it to tell the world to conform to his emotions, then what you end with is a t.v. show and not an honest poetry.
 — bmikebauer

yeah this is nectar to the soul. well done.
 — SarahMichele

what most people call 'soul' here is actually image against a good soundtrack, with soft lighting and someone desiring. the product of that mix is 'feel good', but works as 'soul' if you don't think that love's got anything to do with it.
 — bmikebauer

hey SubMachineGun, thanks for reading.
how are you?
 — varun

hey Varun
you up?
 — stout

what's up?
 — varun

I can't stand the commer after soon, it feels like you are telling.
 — unknown

it's supposed to sound 'intimate', as though a thought were not only being shared, but created before your very eyes. there's lots of moves like this in this one... check out: 'that voice you speak in knows...', a twisted syntax just because of word choice. the message here Is the author and the author's sentiment. it's a sort of hallmark to himself.
 — bmikebauer

Oh i love you varun, even when i called you "verun"
 — unknown

much interest in this one yesssss@
 — unknown

Fun to read. This poem has a great sense of "knowing," you know, not knowing but "knowing." Love it.
 — ishtarboy300

i love the title, but im not sure about kin, maybe children, I dunno

I love your use of unconventional adjectives.

 — Callisto

lines 7-8 are lovely. i love this!
 — _fallenleaf

Ahh, it's refreshing to read such a strong poem with minimal words. It shows your pure talent.
 — hauntedlies

thanks for the read, all.
 — varun

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