|Hey guys, I'm new here! Tell me what you think!
and you're beside me
The lights flicker
but still I can't see
what lies ahead
the future's dark
just a blur
we've lost our spark
Such a shame
some would say
if they saw the real us
for just one day
The bitter truth
just one excuse
take what proof
I soon will lose
Out the door
onto the floor
with the blame
can't show you more
Young and stupid
but I can't help but wear
my heart on my sleeve
You've seen it all
and all of me
take it or leave it
please don't leave.
23 Mar 10
Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 9
Inactive (1): 8, 8, 10
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Hmmm. The title seems overused. But I understand why you titled it Solitude.
Seems you wrote this straight from what you felt. No fluff which is nice. But it does seem a bit bland with stanza 3.
Or it could just be me.
Thanks for your feedback. You are right I wrote straight from what I felt at the time. Thank you for your time
i can definitely relate. good poem
thank you very much :D
this is sing-song in its sway, and authentic as you say - the last line says it all -- anyone can glean the heart-rendering sentiment in this and if your web site tells the tale, I'm sure you can belt this out with feminine intensity - however, how would this play with more internal-rhythms instead of clipped with forced-rhyme - to the sound of your heart yearning, one more time?
nonetheless, welcome to PC and write-on
thank you so much :)
Yeah, I like to rhyme a lot. It helps with the songs I write. I will put thought in what you said. Thank you for your time.
If you would like to check out the actual music go to myspace.com/rosesunreadband
hmmm ill come back to this one..
I like dis but dont know bout the last part
Nice poem. Reminds me of a cross between Poison's "Every Rose..." and Bleeding Through's "Germany"...if that's possible. Fave lines are the end lines 25-28.
thank you :) your comment put a smile on my face!
ya may wanna use bigger words sometimes just saying if ya know what I mean!?
I hear you
I feel like the words you rhyme either come off as being predictable or forced, with the exception of L13-14, which is a pretty good slant rhyme.
Well yeah, it reads like lyrics. A song is not a poem: A poem has to stand on its own music. A poem has sinew and its own velocity.
thanks for the input guys. at heart i am a song writer so your reasoning is probably correct
well i think its cool dog
this a a good read
I know the feeling to be alone.The fear and the pain. Thanks for sharing.
It's a scary pain isnt it :(
25-28 are highly stimulating to my sensibilities. Good imagery in the first stanza, but fades by the second, until the third has idiomatic images of hearts on sleeves. My analysis of this seems to point to a suggestion of revision, however you may just need to lower line twenty to the third stanza, and actually the last line from every stanza to the stanza below it. Please do try it and tell me what you think.
I'm a little confused lol...
like just crunch it all together..sry im having a slow day...lack of sleep.
You are young and sweet and loving.
I like your purity in expression, so good.
thank you for a kindly poem that makes
me feel like I could, again, romance (sigh!)
welll thank you :) that put a smile on my face
when laaaaav comes to town
sorry: wrong octave:
the thriiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllll is gone
last two lines say a lot.
thank you :)
Yours was much worse.
Lines 6 and 7 are repetitive because of line 5...seems like they are in there just for the sake of rhyming? This is why I don't rhyme, it takes skills I don't have ;) you seem pretty good at it though, so more power to you! The rhyming gives a sing-song rhythm that is sometimes interrupted by the line breaks. For instance, lines 23 and 24 want to flow, but are chopped in half (although I realize making them one line would be ridiculous as the only long line in the poem). The short lines also made stanza 3 hard to understand. I love, love the ending. It's relatable to probably every female out there, the feeling of trying to be strong for yourself, but being so vulnerable at the same time. Overall, I thought it was an enjoyable poem!
thank you so much, thanks for takin the time to connect and comment
This piece does much better when set to music, its definately got a lot of rhythm and rhyme, reminds me of paramore, some parts spoken low, some parts shouted.
thank you, yes it is one of my songs :)