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Solitude
psychofemale

Hey guys, I'm new here! Tell me what you think!
Thanks,
Alli


Solitude
 1
and you're beside me
 2
The lights flicker
 3
but still I can't see
 4
what lies ahead
 5
the future's dark
 6
just a blur
 7
we've lost our spark
 8
Such a shame
 9
some would say
 10
if they saw the real us
 11
for just one day
 12
 
 
The bitter truth
 13
just one excuse
 14
take what proof
 15
I soon will lose
 16
Out the door
 17
onto the floor
 18
with the blame
 19
can't show you more
 20
 
 
Young and stupid
 21
so naive
 22
but I can't help but wear
 23
my heart on my sleeve
 24
You've seen it all
 25
and all of me
 26
take it or leave it
 27
 
 
please don't leave.
 28

23 Mar 10

Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 8, 10
Inactive (1): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(59 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Hmmm. The title seems overused. But I understand why you titled it Solitude.
Seems you wrote this straight from what you felt. No fluff which is nice. But it does seem a bit bland with stanza 3.

Or it could just be me.
;)
 — mandolyn

Thanks for your feedback. You are right I wrote straight from what I felt at the time. Thank you for your time
 — psychofemale

i can definitely relate. good poem
 — infinity

thank you very much :D
 — psychofemale

this is sing-song in its sway, and authentic as you say - the last line says it all -- anyone can glean the heart-rendering sentiment in this and if your web site tells the tale, I'm sure you can belt this out with feminine intensity - however, how would this play with more internal-rhythms instead of clipped with forced-rhyme - to the sound of your heart yearning, one more time?

nonetheless, welcome to PC and write-on
 — AlchemiA

thank you so much :)

Yeah, I like to rhyme a lot. It helps with the songs I write. I will put thought in what you said. Thank you for your time.
 — psychofemale

If you would like to check out the actual music go to myspace.com/rosesunreadband
 — psychofemale

test hello
 — unknown

hmmm ill come back to this one..
 — unknown

I like dis but dont know bout the last part
 — unknown

Nice poem.  Reminds me of a cross between Poison's "Every Rose..." and Bleeding Through's "Germany"...if that's possible.  Fave lines are the end lines 25-28.
 — JKWeb

thank you :) your comment put a smile on my face!
 — psychofemale

ya may wanna use bigger words sometimes just saying if ya know what I mean!?
 — unknown

I hear you
 — psychofemale

I feel like the words you rhyme either come off as being predictable or forced, with the exception of L13-14, which is a pretty good slant rhyme.
 — cubbzor

Well yeah, it reads like lyrics. A song is not a poem: A poem has to stand on its own music. A poem has sinew and its own velocity.
 — NicMichaels

thanks for the input guys. at heart i am a song writer so your reasoning is probably correct
 — psychofemale

well i think its cool dog
 — unknown

this a a good read
 — unknown

Thanks guys!!!
 — psychofemale

I know the feeling to be alone.The fear and the pain. Thanks for sharing.
 — UHamilton

It's a scary pain isnt it :(
 — psychofemale

25-28 are highly stimulating to my sensibilities. Good imagery in the first stanza, but fades by the second, until the third has idiomatic images of hearts on sleeves. My analysis of this seems to point to a suggestion of revision, however you may just need to lower line twenty to the third stanza, and actually the last line from every stanza to the stanza below it. Please do try it and tell me what you think.  
 — MattPat

I'm a little confused lol...
 — psychofemale

like just crunch it all together..sry im having a slow day...lack of sleep.
 — psychofemale

You are young and sweet and loving.
I like your purity in expression, so good.
thank you for a kindly poem that makes
me feel like I could, again, romance (sigh!)
 — R_Reid_Welch

welll thank you :) that put a smile on my face
 — psychofemale

when laaaaav comes to town


sorry: wrong octave:


the thriiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllll is gone

bb gun
 — unknown

Interesting
 — larrylark

hmm
 — psychofemale

title's good.
last two lines say a lot.
 — sanjaybhusal

thank you :)
 — psychofemale

Yours was much worse.
 — Quen

huh?
 — psychofemale

Lines 6 and 7 are repetitive because of line 5...seems like they are in there just for the sake of rhyming?  This is why I don't rhyme, it takes skills I don't have ;) you seem pretty good at it though, so more power to you!  The rhyming gives a sing-song rhythm that is sometimes interrupted by the line breaks.  For instance, lines 23 and 24 want to flow, but are chopped in half (although I realize making them one line would be ridiculous as the only long line in the poem).  The short lines also made stanza 3 hard to understand.  I love, love the ending.  It's relatable to probably every female out there, the feeling of trying to be strong for yourself, but being so vulnerable at the same time.  Overall, I thought it was an enjoyable poem!
 — schoony4

thank you so much, thanks for takin the time to connect and comment
 — psychofemale

This piece does much better when set to music, its definately got a lot of rhythm and rhyme, reminds me of paramore, some parts spoken low, some parts shouted.
 — technomancer

thank you, yes it is one of my songs :)
 — psychofemale

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