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Into nothing.

Our cloud nine is fading
We're growing like vines
and we're too scared to eat
the fruit so divine
Too much apprehension
we can't take the risk
scared of prediction
and our minds playing tricks
And the world we once knew
to be so unknown
Is following us closely
too close to home
Breaking the rules
and the barriers down
the force is so strong
I can't stand my ground
I'm growing so weak
and soon I will fall
off this cloud
into nothing
at all

24 Mar 10

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (2): 8, 9, 9

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Cool poem.  Though maybe replace 'precaution' with 'apprehension' in line 5.  Otherthanthat, nice one.
 — JKWeb

Thanks for the input! :D
 — psychofemale

 — unknown

 — psychofemale

 — unknown

 — psychofemale

i would dare "off this cloud" in English though it's not my mother tongue... off of -  ( wouaf -wouaf ) ! sounds awkward...
 — greenmantle

thanks I agree
 — psychofemale

damn getting old
 — unknown

Yes, I agree.
 — unknown

Agree with what?
 — psychofemale

So much cliche, and off rythm.
I'm not much of a critic but I can
tell you there isn't much of a structure or
a form here.

- psycho groupie cocaine crazy :P
 — Thenameless

well maybe its free verse then. but im in the process of making this a song and there is a rhythm
 — psychofemale

I just dont understand you begin in L1  saying the cloud has faded but yet in like L18 you're saying soon you will fall off, just wondering :P
 — Thenameless

It is just to put more emphasis on the cloud being gone.
 — psychofemale

But I do understand where you are coming from maybe i should change Faded to fading?
 — psychofemale

Like ...Our cloud nine is fading
 — psychofemale

you've given me
your time,
your care
with words
of tender grace,
i only wish
that you could see
the smile it
brought my face.
and though the world
at times seems dark
and filled with
much confusion,
at least i'll have
this poetry lark
or is it just my delusion.
 — unknown

 — unknown


thank you so much :D
 — psychofemale

Psychofemale, you take criticism VERY WELL, and I applaud you for that. =)
You have to on here. It's nice to see you take it well. I just checked out your band, listened to part of a song, and yes you are very talented!
You have a great voice...keep working on these poems, because it shows that lyrics become you, being a singer n all--you know. lol

I liked the last stanza best. There were some cliche' lines-- the rhyming for one looked a bit blah- but I can see this as a song most definitely. :)
 — mandolyn

Thank you mandolyn....i really appreciate that...being a songwriter is hard because ppl like easy words and repetition so they can remember songs better. that is one reason i stay a bit simple, but it is nice to step out of the box sometimes :) I hope to grow and the criticism helps me a lot :D thank you for your input!!
 — psychofemale

it's really good......and i love the title, defines the poem perfectly.
the best part is that the poem feels complete.
 — arpit

Why thank you :) that means much ...i felt complete when I finished it!
 — psychofemale

i love the rhythmic drive of this. it's begging to be read out loud; very nice!
you do use 'so' quite a bit. it feels good to say it, and since it shows up in each stanza, i think it adds to that forward motion feeling. it might be slightly repetitive, though?
 — _fallenleaf

thank you :) this is the new song my band and i are working on
 — psychofemale