poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Night Moves-67
goeszon

Somewhere between
 1
       the twilight and dark of night
 2
          when flies
 3
               were nesting in their prey
 4
       busy soldier workers
 5
                  drag away their dead.
 6
 
 
              Viet Cong
 7
       lay in fields,
 8
                 sad images
 9
             in the spooky terrain
 10
       of the highlands.  
 11
 
 
           They were Vietnamese tea cups
 12
                     thrown
 13
              against ancient walls
 14
       living in crooked hidden valleys
 15
            accumulating battle lore
 16
                for centuries.
 17
 
 
              Still
 18
       were the dead
 19
                some with their eyes
 20
           on the land in the sky.
 21
 
 
             They were the winners
 22
                 in this place,
 23
      feeding tall grasses as the earth shook
 24
           from far away guns of death
 25
            belching fire and smoke.
 26
 
 
        Disce dies numerare tuos
 27
       (learn to value your days)
 28
     this american soldier
 29
           will never be the same
 30
         I have long lost
 31
       the use of my heart.
 32
 
 
        Lifting my voice to the Angels
 33
         things always stay the same
 34
     for the keeper of tears.
 35
 
 
     Mike Hendershot 2010
 36

30 Mar 10

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Comments:

"Workin on some night moves!"
Ahhh yeah....
 — mandolyn

    we owned the day and they (VietCong) owned the night.... night moves   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Intriguing poem from the 67 series.  Though I'd omit line 1...unless your intention was to start the poem with something like: 'the night moves...'.  'Somewhere' belongs together of course in line 2.  Instead of 'carry out',  'drag away' would be more impactful me thinks.  Other than those few things early in the write, the rest is $$$.  Nice work.
 — JKWeb

I think this is the best of your 67 series so far.  Well constructed and  full of emotion. Interesting perspective you've written this one from.  Lines 13-18 are fabulous, the imagery is powerful and effective.  Great writing on this!
 — Tandisol

I agree with all that JK suggested.  Also, line 39, "to" not "too."  This is an exceptional piece--a sparkle of light in the darkest of days.
 — PaulS

Very clear and direct, do you need line 1 repeated?  As the title, you don't need it twice.

I don't believe lines 34-41 add to the poem, I think you nailed it at line 33 and the added lines seem as if you wanted to add lines, not more depth.  You might consider using 34-41 in a different poem.

Lines 21-22 are very good, reminding me of The Good Earth by Pearl Buck, the idea of land, always more land.
 — Isabelle5

    JKWeb    I like your stuff and it was stupid of me to put the title in like that. The rest of your edit was fine.   j. g. smiles
 — goeszon

Another poignant picture of the face of war. Well written with much feeling. Thanks to Mike Hendershot for sharing.
 — JohnW

    Tandisol... thank you for your continued interest in -67 (1967) you are going to make me work even harder to produce anything you consider better than the last... thanks for all ypur positive observations... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    PaulS... Thank you for your interest in this piece and your positive comments.... also your help with my to or too   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    JohnW... It is always my heart to share those moments in Viet Nam, there are not enough words etc thank you for your continued interest in -67   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

this is the standard of poetry a would expect to find on a good quality writers site.  there is nothing sneery about the tone, no slanderous obscenities insinuated, it has a sense of pride.
 — unknown

    Dear Unk... I have never had a comment such as yours, it was thought provoking for me this early morning as the piece must have been (thought) provoking for you, thanks for your interest in this piece, I am looking forward to matching this hopefully in the future... j. g. smiles
 — goeszon

i'm usually criticised for being too run of the mill. heh, amusing response.
 — unknown

    I/5  thank you for your edit and comments they were well received... j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

    Unknown... my heart was in my reply to you every bit was true... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

of humankind
 — raskolniikov

  God Damn
 — dvdsxr

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 — unknown

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 — unknown

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