|the dream: we lived
in a building frame. dishes drawn
into our cupboards. cardboard
furniture. it was where
you made the only real thing –
a tree, planted
in our empty aquarium.
i laughed from happiness. laughed
until my waking hours
quaked with it.
6 Apr 10
Rated 10 (9.5) by 3 users.
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"Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures!"
That is to say: excellent work.
Minus the title.
oh, also, the you in L5 is redundant.
a tree, planted
in the empty
Thanks for the feedback.
oh, how beautiful!
I took your suggestion on L5, Aurelius, partially. :)
The ending is superb! Love your choice of words in this~
i really like this..
like this a looootttt
Quake: to shake or vibrate usually from shock or instability
good job good job
thank you, thank you
good imagery and an emotional force throughout - sweetly rendered poement - however, the title is under-ordinary
Thank you, AlchemiA. My title is actually part of the poem - the entire exposition. the dream: we lived...
I guess I was trying to convey that this was a dream and that within that dream, I was alive. We, my cohort and I, were infused in this half-built world.
:) I appreciate your opinion. Thanks.
This is excellent, excellent writing--and i do understand that the title is, in actuality, the first line of the poem.
I love this. I want to paint a picture of it.
on re-reading you're write, Dear, it works very clearly ... I was underunderstanding
Interested, what is the reason for the lack of capitals and the placement of the periods? This reminds me of some of the work of e. e. cummings.. there is a certain charm to it..
congrats on the perfect score!
this is a nice poem, but for me is without perfection.
i find 'building frame' an extremely bleak, and weak description. we lived in a frame, is even better. building is so explicit it puts a serious damper on the mood, for me anyway.
would sound better as 'the cupboards'; need a hard sound after 'into'. into our is a mouthful, and saying 'the' brings us back into a dream, and not into a shared item. we don't 'share' cupboards, they aren't really 'ours, like the pillows on the bed are ours.
it was where. not a good line.
'where' is sufficient i think. lose period after furniture perhaps, if you choose to edit.
laughing from happiness is pretty obvious. obviously so. i get your simplicity, but it doesn't do much for me considering you've done so well putting us into the diorama with cardboard furniture, fish tank and a tree...
The juxtaposition of building frame and laughter -- meant to be like the contrast in a black and white photograph. “Bleak” was the aim for the building frame, thank you.
“The” as a dis-possessive doesn’t belong in this poem. For me (the writer, the poet, the dreamer) – because this (poem, scene, dream) was remarkable for the warmth and ease my cohort and I “shared”. Yes, we owned the cupboards, our pillows, our empty aquarium. We were part of one another and our immediate “bleak” surroundings.
“It was where” is the transition/link/set-up for my “non-bleak” image: the tree. “It was where” observes the contrast from the bleak to the only real thing. Whereas, “where” feels like a blind leap.
So would omitting the period after furniture. Another blind leap – the tree was not planted in the furniture. Perhaps amongst, but not within, and that is the feeling without the period.
The laughter fits into this dream diorama because it becomes palpable – or three-dimensional - as it “quakes”.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jenaka :)
good points tidrade, i suppose it is a perspective difference from someone else, but i see why you want it to be possessive, and why i see it as not.
i still believe it would not be a blind leap at all to remove 'it was', for you are still in the same direction of 'we lived...', it could be read the same.
you've done a nice job. thank you for indulging me, i enjoyed your response.
i am not convinced by this weak domestic mellodrama. quaint, yes. a good poem? no.
I omitted from top rated, thanks :)